Up to 13

Our first ultrasound was moved up to today. I started spotting brown again this morning, but I'm also throwing up. As far as prognostic indicators go, that seemed to cover all possible bases. 

I haven't believed in intuition since I totally miss-guessed Quinn's gender. At the same time, my last two twin pregnancies, intuition said it was twins. This time, same thing. Intuition said twins, even though it was an unmedicated pregnancy and they're so unlikely in that situation.

Intuition wasn't completely off. One gestational sac with a FHR of 120 and a CRL equivalent to 6w1d. One completely empty sac. A vanished twin.

I really, really, really didn't want twins again. I didn't want the extra sickness. I didn't want the hospitalizations and prematurity. I didn't want an in-pregnancy cerclage on a uterus pregnant with twins. I didn't want the financial implications of another set of twins.

I didn't want twins. Why, then, do I feel so devastated about this? 

The doctor said everything was perfect. I'm more than a bit concerned about the CRL, but I know that's subject to measurement error. I also know that a heart rate of 120 bodes well. I'll remain nervous until the next ultrasound in two weeks. Hell, I'll remain nervous until delivery. I'll also remain sad about our little Baby A, the one who didn't make it. These were babies 12 and 13, if I'm counting. That's just too many babies to lose and not be sad, no matter what you think of twins. For now, I'm hoping that come August I'll be able to tell myself '13 babies, 3 healthy, living children.'

Reflections and Cynicism

 The events in my home country have really shaken and saddened me. In my cynicism, I've often said that other humans never fail to disappoint me, but this goes far beyond that. 

The questions I keep turning over in my mind is: how could a reasonable person believe that the election results were fraudulent? How could a reasonable person attempt to subvert democracy while simultaneously claiming to do so because others have subverted democracy? I certainly understand how a reasonable person could be upset and angry with an election outcome that countered their preference. I understand how they might want to look for a way to achieve a result they liked better. I don't understand how masses of people could wholesale believe in such a massive hoax and turn to insurrection to 'resolve' the matter. There's the true fraud perpetrated this election: the fraud of the incumbent claiming a victory that was definitely not earned.

I wonder if the culture of avoiding things that upset us is somewhat responsible. I'm part of an IF group. That group maintains a separate place for members to discuss 'success.' However even in that separate place, some people were getting upset over the details of others' success. What options did they have? They could have avoided the success discussion all together. They could have acknowledged that other people get the things they want, and that's not a reason for anger. Instead the group decided that those reporting on success could no longer provide any details. Rather than saying "Hey, I want to have a success like that, and it kills me that I don't, but I'm happy for you." they said "Find someplace else to celebrate so I don't have to feel pain because of you."

Now we have part of our country who can't stand being faced with the pain of not having their candidates win. They can't stand it to an extent that they're rioting and attempting to violate the very democratic foundations of our country. Maybe the time has come for each of us to say "Hey, there are some things in life that I don't like. But rather than deny or avoid or get angry at those who have what I want, I'll focus on doing what I can to improve myself and my environment through reasonable and legally appropriate means." Alas, I'm too cynical to think that most people are willing to take on that level of emotional work. 

Repeat Beta

I had my second beta draw exactly 48 hours after the first. With the first result being 655, I figured I needed 1310 or thereabouts.

Beta #2 was 1608. 37 hour doubling time.

This was an unmedicated cycle of a 41 year old. It can't be twins, right? 

The ever amazing betabase shows the following for twins:

15 dpo: 376
16 dpo: 565
17 dpo: 835
18 dpo: 1200

For singletons:

15 dpo: 197
16 dpo: 294
17 dpo: 425
18 dpo: 616

My results:

15/16* dpo: 655

*This is possibly 16 dpo if I ovulated within 12 hours of peak LH test and tempted too early the next morning to catch the progesterone rise. I usually temp just after midnight, so that's possible. I was testing twice a day with LH strips, so I'm very certain of the surge timing. That means I can't be any later than 16 dpo.

17/18 dpo: 1608

We had two reasons for going through IVF. One, so I could do a pre-preg TAC. That's not happening. Two, so we wouldn't risk twins again. I know that given my age I should be much more worried about seeing ANY euploid baby with a heartbeat, but these numbers have me scared.