Baby Book: 12 Months!

I've been a terrible blogger, friend and participant in much of life lately. Mea culpa. I can only say that ~5 hours a day of pumping, plus work getting busy, plus that whole 'raising twins' thing has distracted me. It's been the best kind of distraction, but I'm ashamed of not keeping up with so many wonderful people who have supported me. With the twins' first birthday I've started the weaning process and I hope to do a better job of keeping track of what everyone else has going on. In the meantime, this was a post I had to make time for.

On Monday, T and A turned one.

• For months now, T has refused to crawl. She doesn't like being on her tummy, she doesn't like getting up on hands and knees. When she wants to go somewhere, she either rolls or badgers an adult into helping her walk there, because she loves to stand & walk. We all keep encouraging her to try crawling, but she hasn't been having it. Sunday, after her first birthday celebration, we set her on the floor. She immediately cralwed halfway across the family room to reach a toy. No going backward first. No hesitation. She just leaned forward and went like she'd always been able to crawl but just wasn't going to show us until now! 
• She can pull herself from sitting to standing. She's wobbly and she can't always do it, but she's done it often enough that it's a skill now.
• Just days ago she figured out how to sit herself up from laying down, although she complains when made to do so!
• She can cruise the furniture with relative ease. 
• T can put food in her mouth and is happy to do so. She will also grab a spoon from an adult's hand and 'feed' herself with messy success. She takes neat bites out of mum mums and french toast squares.
• T's still the needier baby. She wants someone to play with her, and cries if she doesn't get that 1:1 focus. 
• T is noticing her brother and will pass toys back and forth with him. It's amazing how the toy in the other baby's hand is always better than the toy in her own, and vice versa!

• A is constantly up cruising the furniture, crawling, and getting into mischief. The toy he most wants is whatever object he's not allowed to have (e.g., baby monitor, Dad's cell phone, Grandma's sewing.)
• A figured out how to pull to stand, then use the baby gate bars to pull himself up onto the step that leads out of the family room. 
• Like his sister, A wants to feed himself with the spoon. He also likes shoving his nose into the spoon and snorting. This is why our child has carrots up his nose. 
• A is such a happy kid. His grin is so contagious. 
• A's got 8 teeth - 4 uppers and 4 lowers. Molars are next, sob. Aside from constant drooling, he's actually done amazingly well. There have been a few days of bad naps, but nothing more serious than that. 
• A week ago, A figured out that he could reach into T's crib and steal her lovey. We've moved the cribs farther apart, but we usually come in to find him standing at the end of his crib, looking at her. 
• A will stop what he's doing and look for T if he hears her crying. She'll do the same for him. 

Baby Book: 11 Months

The month to month changes at this age are so huge, it's amazing.

• A is now crawling everywhere. He figured out the forward crawl one day and just took off. We've had to baby gate off everything!
• A is pulling to stand on anything that might support his weight. He also stood without any support for a few seconds today.
• A has six teeth and loves grabbing things in his mouth and crawling off with them, puppy dog style! 
• A is so much happier now he can crawl. 
• A has become our better eater. He'll have more ounces of most solids than T will. He's also able to pick up puffs and mums and chomp down on them. 
• A is still the more mellow baby. He loves hugs. When in his walker table, he'll still run over and hug his Dad's legs the moment he sees Dad come into the room. 

• T is showing no signs of crawling. She won't get up on her knees. She can sit if you help her get upright, but can't sit herself up unless someone holds her legs. 
• T will roll to get to toys, but as before she'll only move exactly as much as needed to get what she wants.
• T will 'fake cry' - sob without tears - to have toys handed to her, rather than move to get them.
• T loves to stand if you help her. I suspect she thinks crawling is beneath her and wants to go straight to walking. 
• T started to use the walker table and will joyously run laps around it now. Overnight she figured out how to walk with one foot in front of the other, versus using both feet to push/pull.
• T is now a pickier eater. Foods she enjoyed she'll no longer tolerate. No peas. No bananas. No peanut butter in yogurt. No carrots. She wants yogurt. 
• T will eat some solids, but has trouble getting them into her mouth. She seems to like Mum mums, and she'll eat french toast chunks. If you feed her yogurt melts she'll eat them, but good luck getting her to feed herself! 

Baby Book: 10 Months

The month to month changes are so amazing. I'm glad to be doing this, even if I rarely get them posted.

• T gave us her first intentional wave this weekend. She saw Grammie walking down the stairs toward her, and she grinned big. When Grammie waved hello, she waved back and she was SO proud of herself. It was amazing.
• T now has her two bottom teeth. She's done pretty well for having them both come in at once. 
• T is now sitting quite well independently, although she'll still fall over occasionally. 
• T will now stand up if you help her. She also LOVES to "bounce" - she'll stand, and then do a squat, then stand again. If you help her get back up, as if she's bouncing, she loves it. 
• Because T can sit, she'll happily explore the toy box. She still loves her taco, but the stacking cups have become another favorite. Nothing is more fun than unstacking and chewing upon freshly stacked cups!
• T is still our big eater. She likes pretty much all solids. She's also now able to recognize what's on the spoon and will stop eating things she doesn't like as much, but then start opening her mouth again when you give her things she likes better! We were feeding carrots and yogurt. She refused to open her mouth after 2 ounces of carrots, but as soon as we put yogurt on the spoon, she looked at it, and opened her mouth to eat all 2.5 ounces of that! 
• T has figured out how to make a clicking noise with her mouth. She'll click and be super happy if you click back at her. 
• For the first time, I'm able to calm T down as much as DH can. I guess mommies do exert some powers!
• T is now saying "mama!" on occasion. 

• A is finding more food to enjoy! He likes carrots and pears, as well as his true love, yogurt. 
• A is so close to crawling. He can do a 3 point crawl backward, but is so frustrated that he can't move forward. I hope he figures it out soon. 
• A now has at least one top tooth, maybe 2. 
• A is developing more severe separation anxiety. If you leave the room, he cries. If you let him fall asleep before you put him down, and he wakes up with you gone, he cries. 
• On a few occasions, A has stood up on his own by holding onto the furniture. On another occasion, he flipped on his tummy, grabbed the crib bars, and then pulled his head into them, hard. That didn't go over well, poor fellow! 

Baby Book: 9 Months

I wrote all of these baby book posts around the right time, but between pumping and babies, I never had a chance to post them. Back posting now to keep a log.

Have I mentioned that moming living kids is amazing? The babies make me so, so happy. They're so different, and so challenging, and so wonderful - all at the same time. We decided to be brave and take T on her first restaurant meal with us last weekend. She did great, playing with napkins and a burp cloth and looking all around. Everything was good until we were waiting for the check and I noticed that the hand holding her bottom was wet. It wasn't drool or pee. So, our first public changing experience included a full blow out. Go big or go home, amirite?

• A is 'standing' - holding his own weight and using us for balance. He won't pull up yet, but he LOVES to be standing up. 
• A is a rolling machine. Where you set him down is not where you'll find him if you turn your back for a few minutes. 
• A can get up on hands and knees and rock. He's pushed himself backward a few times when doing that, but hasn't yet figured out crawling. 
• A is not a fan of any foods but yogurt. Yogurt, the kid loves. Bananas, he'll tolerate. Anything else (including things mixed with yogurt) gets 'the face'. 
• A's got two teeth now and drools like you wouldn't believe. 
• His favorite 'toy' is his walker table. He'll cruise lap after lap around it, and he's now tall enough to play with all the toys on the table itself. 
• He continues to be a fan of shopping, and to only tolerate bath time. 
• A's babble now includes "mama!" and "MMMMom!" 

• T has no interest in standing. She'll sit up, but still launches herself backward, so you have to sit behind her for safety. 
• T rolls, but only enough to get whatever toy she wants. She really moves the bare minimum amount necessary to accomplish what she wants.
• T still LOVES her jumper. She drives her Grammie mad by swinging front to back in it, rather than bouncing up and down. 
• T loves food. All food. Especially peas. She opens her mouth, leans so far forward that only the highchair straps contain her, and whines if you don't give her another spoonful fast enough. 
• T loves shopping and other outings. She also loves bathtime, and will kick her legs in the tub hard enough to splash whoever is bathing her. 
• T doesn't have any teeth yet, and isn't drooling much, so I don't think any are coming in soon. 
• T continues to be curious. If her brother has a toy, she wants it. If she can figure out how to do something herself, she's happy.
• As T's reflux is improving, her mood is too. Poor baby, I think much of her crankiness has been tied to reflux. 

Baby Book: 8 Months

Somehow I missed 7 months, because life has just been too busy. I love every minute with these guys (with the possible exception of the last half hour before bath time at night!). Here's observations 2 days shy of 8 months actual, 6 adjusted.

• A's first tooth has come in, just before the 8 month mark.
• He can pass toys between hands, but doesn't often do so.
• He can now roll all the way over, although he still forgets sometimes and is unhappy to be stuck on his tummy!
• A is able to support his own body weight while standing up, if you help him balance. 
• He has the greatest grin, and the happiest I've ever seen him was when DH asked him to 'help' fold laundry and piled clean socks on top of him. He giggled and squirmed and gnawed on the socks and the memory of that simple activity will bring me joy for a long time. 
• He's the more laid back, happy baby, although his 'I'm unhappy whine' and 'Saddest Baby in the World' face continue to make themselves known. 
• He's gone from sleeping 10.5-11.5 hours to sleeping 9.5. 
• He'll eat bananas, but he makes a face that clearly says "WTF did you just put in my mouth? Could I have a burp cloth instead, please?"
• Here's A, plotting his next move.

• T remains our curious one.
• T has figured out how to pass toys between both hands, how to hold different toys in different hands, and how to use her hands (and feet) to grab objects that want to move away from her, like balloons.
• T figured out how to roll all the way over the same day her brother did.
• She will routinely roll to her side just enough to grab a toy, then go back to her back to play. She likes to 'sit up' in your lap and observe the world.
• T still loves being in the carrier, and especially loves going for walks in it. Her little head bobs back and forth from side to side as she tries to take in everything. 
• T's smile is coming out more and more. If she's in the right mood, you can make her giggle by blowing raspberries at her, and she'll almost always blow them back.
• T really enjoys bananas and likes to feed herself with the spoon. She's great at that. 
• T figured out the jumper and there is no place on earth that makes her happier. She'll jump for as long as you'll leave her in it. Now her reach is better, she can also press the button and 'play' music in the jumper. It can't be real understanding, but if you ask her to play music for you, she'll push the button. 
• Here's T, in her jumper.

More?

In August DH got a referral for the big V. He asked me if there was any reason to bank sperm before the surgery, since that ship will have sailed afterward. I know what my answer should be, but I hesitated.

If I was to wake up today and see two lines on a pregnancy test, I'd be happy. So my question to myself is: why?

I *think* it's because actually being a mom has been awesome. Because I'm so enjoying all of the 'firsts' that we're having with these babies, and I'm sad that they'll be our only firsts. Because I'm sad I've already hit some 'lasts:' the last nap snuggle with A on the sofa, the last time breastfeeding, the last time sitting with T on my legs after a bottle hearing her 'talk' happily to me. I loved two of those things.

Two lines would mean an in-pregnancy TAC, though. It would mean risking loss and the NICU again. It would mean risking the physical hell I went through after my c-section again. It would mean that I'd go from feeling like I can never quite give enough attention to each child because the other needs me to feeling like there's no way in h*ll I can give everyone the attention I'd like to give! It would probably mean an extra 4+ years of work to offset childcare and college costs.

Let's get real here, too. After my second post c-section hysteroscopy, my uterus was filled with scar tissue. The ultrasound images were so bad that I could see all the scarring. I'll be 40 in not that many days. I won't go through treatments again, because I won't risk twins again or spend that kind of money. So two lines would mean a genuine miracle, which I gave up on when Quinn arrived four days short of minimum viability.

Writing all of this down, my head knows what the right decision for our family is, and that decision doesn't involve banking anything. My heart is still hesitating. I told DH I was hesitating. I told him why I was hesitating.

Turns out, he's hesitating too, for the same reasons.

I'm not sure where we go from here. Maybe NTNP once my period returns. I hear rumors that unprotected sex leads to pregnancy. I'll probably just wind up with more early losses, but so long as the hesitation remains, I guess I'm willing to take that risk. We'll see where DH falls when the time comes.

______________________
I typed this post up, then life got in the way and I wasn't able to post it for several weeks. And in that time, something has changed that's leaving me spinning. My corporate 2020 benefits came out. And my employer is now offering infertility coverage, that, according to the brochure, would allow me to go straight to IVF. AND, for the first time in 2020, my clinic is covered!

I don't know the dollar limits, but if IVF was covered, we wouldn't have to risk twins again. And if it was covered, there wouldn't be the same financial pressure. There are my two objections to more treatments, gone.

I feel like this might change everything. Or the limits might be so low it would change nothing. Or I might be too old for my clinic now. Or, or, or, or. . .   Did I mention I'm spinning? So much to consider and discuss with DH.

Baby Book: 7 Months

I actually wrote baby book posts for each month, however life with twins and pumping was too much for me and I never posted several. Trying to go back and correct that now, so I can enjoy the history.

It seems impossible to believe, but the babies are now 7 months old! In the space of 4 days, both figured out how to consistently roll back to front. Neither can roll the other way right now, although A did quite a bit of that weeks ago. What the heck, kid? Our lives are now a constant game of watching a baby roll, waiting until they start wailing while hoping they'll figure out how to roll themselves back, then flipping them back over. Mostly it's amusing, the one place it isn't is with sleep. They'll now roll when they wake from sleep and naps, and then freak out rather than going back to sleep. That isn't ideal.

When on their tummies, T is figuring out how to use her feet to lift her butt in the air. She's starting to get her knees under her, but doesn't lift her head all that high. A does this great back bend so his head and feet are both in the air. He's got great neck control and will happily prop himself up on his arms, but he has no clue that legs should go down, not up!

T is getting fussier. She's got this shriek that she'll let loose if she's on her back and not happy. Once you pick her up or sit her up, she'll stop. We spend a lot of time together in the carrier on weekends, which I mostly love. I think her shriek is related to reflux, because she seems to do it most often right before spitting up, then she'll stop and be content again after. That also aligns with less shrieking when being upright. I'll ask her ped about reflux meds if it keeps up.

T continues to be the curious one. She seems to get bored if left on her jungle mat (or anywhere else) for too long. Hanging out in the carrier, she'll spend the entire time looking around, eyes wide, chewing on the carrier's strap. It's adorable to see her happy and inquisitive like that. We bought a jumper for them over the weekend. DH showed T how to use the toys on it, and she immediately started mimicking him and playing with them. Alas, she's about an inch too short to really reach them yet, so she just got frustrated. I can't wait for her to be bigger so she can enjoy it more. She is obvious in understanding that there are toys around her that she wants to play with but can't yet reach. You can see the wheels turning! She did figure out how to jump and it makes her so happy. She'll have the biggest smiles we've ever seen on her face when she's jumping. I melt a little each time.

A is still his smiley, loveable self. He's so delightfully happy most of the time. He's more laid back than his sister, but he's also less curious. He'll chill on his mat for much longer. When showed the jumper toys, he mostly sat, smiled, and bounced a bit. He also only plays with things right at hand - there's no obvious desire to reach things still out of reach.

Both kids love Raffi songs. T loves her baths now, A tolerates them. They love watching people eat, so I think we're getting ready for food like we should be. We're able to space out bottles further, but give bigger feeds, which is nice. We've been taking them out shopping with us on the weekend. It's great for them to get out and see the world, but it's suboptimal because it always interferes with naptime, and then we have cranky or shrieky babies.