Moot Point

My prior post focused on the decision to proceed with an attempt for a third. That glosses over the fact that at 40, with an AMH of .5 and IVF as our only option, our probability of having a live birth is probably in the 5-30% range. I am nothing if not a realist, so I know the entire debate over having a third or not could be entirely moot. Still a decision to proceed with IVF (or not) must be made now. If we're going to decide to stick with two kids, then there's no need to proceed with IVF. The end result of all of this is that I feel like I'm constantly putting the cart before the horse when talking about if we should have a third, since the chance is so low, while simultaneously feeling like it's in my best interest to have the cart sorted out before attempting to buy a horse!

My biggest concerns: Money. Physical misery associated with a new TAC/c-section/Asherman's surgeries. Messing up the awesome that is our current life.

DH's biggest concerns: Revisiting the trauma of more hospital time/medical procedures/late losses. Waiting longer to do things important to him, like travel and bike riding with the kids. Getting stuck in the fertility treatments/surgery/waiting loop we've been in for years in the past (this probably boils down to the first two). Disagreeing with me on how to spend money when finances become tighter with another kid.

People, including my therapist, have asked how I can consider the idea of going through the physical hell I've been through before, with TAC/HG/C-section. My only answer is that I've always been a long-game type of person. I'm betting that as hellish as the physical recovery will be, it'll be worth it in the long run to have another child. This morning, I asked T for a hug. She came running over and buried her head in my shoulder. That, right there, that's worth an awful lot of physical misery. So I think my cart is firmly on the 'let's try to get a horse' train. And I appreciate that if the horse doesn't come through, the ache won't be the same as it was before A&T. Now if I can just hold on to that perspective throughout the road ahead.

Complex Choices

I have been mostly silent in this space on thoughts about trying for a sibling. Outside this space, I’ve talked to my therapist, to DH, and to myself. I can’t speak to the therapist, but DH and I find ourselves conflicted. It’s complicated.

 We both agree that we’d be thrilled if another baby showed up on the doorstep tomorrow. At the same time, we both agree that another baby would interfere with some of our hopes and dreams for the future. We disagree on which hopes and dreams, and we’re unclear on how to prioritize the ‘thrilled’ against the ‘postponed/lost hopes and dreams.’ As I said, complicated.

 We also both agree that our family right now is amazing. Everyone said this age is fun, and they were so right. The kids are interactive, funny, and overall delightful. I wanted living kids, but was unprepared for just how awesome they would be. Would a third amp that ‘awesome’ up, or strain it? At least at the moment we have a 1:1 parent to kid ratio. We’d lose that with a third. T is already a great “big” sister to A, would it get better with a true ‘little’ sibling, or would the reduced attention on her cause a negative cascade? It’s complicated.

 I thought that the question might be answered for us medically, but it wasn’t. My first PP cycle came, and I went back to the RE, who by some miracle was still doing testing. My AFC was 9. That’s the best it’s ever been. My AMH was .5. That’s .1 higher than it was 4 years ago. My RE called me “stable” and said she’s game to proceed to IVF if we are. She said our situation is time sensitive enough we could start with my next CD1, despite our state’s SAH orders. DH wasn’t ready. I am ready, but I still wonder if I should be.

 So there you have it. Lots and lots of talking, but no more answers that I had 6 months ago. I *think* we’ll try a round of IVF in May/June and see how I respond. We can make decisions from there. It’s complicated, but that kicks the ball down the road and perhaps gives us a medical answer after all.

Baby Book: 14 Months

T and A turn one year, adjusted, today. It's hard to believe that it's been a full year since we brought them both home from the NICU. Overall, things are going really well. They're growing, developing on track, and are just a pleasure to be around (most of the time). They've caught up to their un-adjusted age's growth curves and seem to be hitting most developmental milestones on an unadjusted track. Eating is the one thing that's challenging, as both are very picky eaters and don't really want any solid solids. Outside of breakfast foods (eggs, oatmeal, yogurt), and fruit (pureed), the list of foods both will eat is near zero. Even traditional kid favorites like Mac N' Cheese or chicken nuggets are often rejected. Veggies are even harder to work in. I'll keep trying and remind myself that they're above the median on their growth curves, so unlikely to starve.

For the milestone list.

• A is fantastic at standing up unaided. He'll go from crouching to standing, turn around to look at things, lift things, and otherwise be really stable.
• A has just, in the last two days, started to take unaided steps. As of today he'll routinely take 3-4 steps to someone waiting with open arms. It baffles me how he can stand so steadily, but tips over the instant he tries to walk. 
• A loves climbing the stairs. If you let him loose, he'll race up to the top, and whoever is waiting up there is greeted with a HUGE grin as his little face peeks over the top step. He'll then crawl off to explore the rest of the house. 
• A's gotten his first four molars in, and I think there might be a canine about to emerge. 
• If you don't move fast enough when feeding him, A loves to chomp on the spoon and  hold on for dear life. He also loves to feed himself with the spoon if you put food on it. He is very happy, but it is not the cleanest process ever! ;)
• A seems to have learned the sign for milk, and will say 'all done' aloud when he's done eating. He still won't sign "more". 
• A is part puppy dog, and loves to chomp things in his mouth and then crawl off with them. He also drools like crazy and still spits up a lot, so our carpet is covered in blankets we wash every night. He and his sister love to each pull the blanket up off the carpet in different places and wait for mommy or daddy to come grab them up and tell them no. Every morning after their bottles when I leave them alone to run upstairs and start the wash, I'll find them both sitting on the floor, rolled up in the blankets that they've pulled up! It's a favorite game.

• T is a walking machine. Even when she can crawl somewhere faster, she'll find a wall or person and stand up so she can walk.
• T can't stand up unaided like A can. She needs something vertical to push off against. 
• T can point out her nose, her mouth and her tummy. If you ask her to bring you something, she'll find it and carry it over. If you ask her to play music when she's holding a toy that has sound, she'll take whatever action that toy needs to start playing. I continue to be impressed by her receptive language. 
• During play, T will routinely try to pass toys to her brother or the adult playing with her. She knows he likes to hold things in his mouth, so she always tries to put the toy in his mouth. With an adult, sometimes she wants you to pass them back, sometimes not. 
• T continues to be the one that needs attention and has strong opinions. She cries when she doesn't get what she wants. I feel bad for her brother because this often means I spend more time with her as he's pretty mellow left on his own, whereas she's meltdown city. 
• T has gotten good with stacking cups and rings, and is starting to correctly use the shape sorter. She'll bring you her books to read, although she gets distracted immediately. 
• T is happy to climb stairs, but keeps trying to walk up them instead. She's not quite tall enough and this frustrates her to no end!

Baby Book: 13 months

13 months and their very first pandemic! How exciting!

We are extremely fortunate in that we both have jobs that can be done remotely and are not in immediate jeopardy. Our nanny is healthy and smart about social distancing. My MIL is sad to be stuck with us and unable to visit her other son, but we're super fortunate to have her help here. We have enough diapers, baby wipes, and formula. Being homebodies with babies, we didn't have much of a social life before the virus, so we're not missing out on much now that we're stuck at home! There are certainly things I had looked forward to for years that we can no longer do: walking with the babies at the arboretum, play dates with their friends, our summer boundary waters trip. Despite that, we're very lucky overall. I continue to hope for the well being of those around us.

In baby news, they are doing so well!

• T took her first intentional steps last week. She can now walk at least 3-5 steps in a row and she's just so excited about it.
• T also had her first temper tantrum last week. I'm sure we're in for it, but it was pretty amusing as far as developmental milestones go.
• T is getting to be a slightly better eater. She'll feed herself some solids and drink some milk from a straw cup. She refuses a lot more than she eats, though. We're still giving bottles because I can't get enough food in yet. Pediatrician said that's ok through 12 months adjusted. 
• T has learned how to sign 'more'. She understands what it means and uses it in context, both with food and when she wants to have an adult do more of something she's enjoying.
• We've had several past attempts at sleep training, by which I mean teaching the babies to fall asleep independently. Those attempts always crashed and burned when I turned bedtime over to DH, because he and MIL would go right back to rocking them all the way to sleep. DH went on another business trip and I realized just how bad their sleep was and threw my own tantrum that we were going to fix this sleep mess. T has responded beautifully to sleep training. She's now getting about an extra hour of sleep a day and the change in her personality is amazing. She's so much happier now than she was. Less crying, more exploring and playing. I'm so, so happy for her and for us. 
• T has had her first illness, an ear infection, right before her first birthday. She did great, slept well, and didn't even act like it was a problem. The cold that preceded it was more distressing to her. 

• A is a master stair climber. Last week we set him down at the bottom of the stairs. With no hesitation or wobbling, he climbed right to the top like it was the most natural thing ever. He may not be walking, but he's certainly mobile. 
• A's also getting slightly better at eating solids. He'll feed himself some solids and two days ago started drinking milk from a straw cup. He likes a different mix of things than T does, which is tough, but we keep exposing them both to see if something sticks. 
• A has not taken well to sleep training. We're 11 days in and while nights are pretty good, naps are horrid to non-existent. The sleep deprivation makes him as cranky as T is happy. It hurts my heart that he's having such a hard time, but as someone who has struggled with insomnia, I desperately want him to learn to self-soothe to sleep. It's a skill I didn't pick up, and I don't want him to have the same experience I do because of that lack of skill. 
• A also had his first illness, an ear infection. It came about two weeks after Tess's. He was a mess, clearly in pain, and barely slept until he'd been on antibiotics for almost a week. 

Unreservedly Happy

Wow. A year has gone by.

 Thinking back, I can't say that raising twins is the hardest thing I've ever done, because losing twins was harder. I can say that it's the most rewarding, in an ongoing sense. Getting my PhD, that was rewarding, and in a 'change my life' sort of way. But it wasn't as joyous as raising twins. The babies, well, they bring so much joy. I am in awe of them every single day. Their growth, their curiosity, their personalities - what can I say, I'm hooked! I am so grateful for this outcome every single day, even the days with the 1:00 am wake-ups and the inconsolable crying.

 Physically the last year has been tough. The c-section itself was NBD, but the digestive system complications were beyond-adjectives horrible. Weeks of agony. The bleeding didn't stop until 7 months out. My decision to try to pump for twins was also challenging. I didn't get more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep until 7 months out when I dropped the 1 am pump. Mid February was the first time I got 8 consecutive hours of sleep. Bending, lifting, holding, wrangling twins, and twins in bucket seats, all of those things are physically challenging. My neck and back don't love me too much!

 Emotionally the year has been a roller coaster, although mostly on an uphill journey. The NICU stay, the pain, the grief over never having a normal pregnancy and delivery, those were hard. I had DMER, so every single letdown was preceded by overwhelming feelings of thirst, followed by soul-crushing sadness, followed by a return to normal. Realizing first hand what we missed out on with Alexis, Zoe, and Quinn. All that made for some serious 'down'. But the up? The ups have been the best. Rocking a baby to sleep. Seeing huge grins on both babies when I walk in the room. Getting hugs. Hearing my first 'mama!' Watching DH and our parents interact with T and A. Seeing personalities develop. Every one of those things have been absolute highs that really helped ease all the lows of past and present.
Am I a different person today than I was a year ago? Undoubtedly. Am I happy about that? Unreservedly.

Baby Book: 12 Months!

I've been a terrible blogger, friend and participant in much of life lately. Mea culpa. I can only say that ~5 hours a day of pumping, plus work getting busy, plus that whole 'raising twins' thing has distracted me. It's been the best kind of distraction, but I'm ashamed of not keeping up with so many wonderful people who have supported me. With the twins' first birthday I've started the weaning process and I hope to do a better job of keeping track of what everyone else has going on. In the meantime, this was a post I had to make time for.

On Monday, T and A turned one.

• For months now, T has refused to crawl. She doesn't like being on her tummy, she doesn't like getting up on hands and knees. When she wants to go somewhere, she either rolls or badgers an adult into helping her walk there, because she loves to stand & walk. We all keep encouraging her to try crawling, but she hasn't been having it. Sunday, after her first birthday celebration, we set her on the floor. She immediately cralwed halfway across the family room to reach a toy. No going backward first. No hesitation. She just leaned forward and went like she'd always been able to crawl but just wasn't going to show us until now! 
• She can pull herself from sitting to standing. She's wobbly and she can't always do it, but she's done it often enough that it's a skill now.
• Just days ago she figured out how to sit herself up from laying down, although she complains when made to do so!
• She can cruise the furniture with relative ease. 
• T can put food in her mouth and is happy to do so. She will also grab a spoon from an adult's hand and 'feed' herself with messy success. She takes neat bites out of mum mums and french toast squares.
• T's still the needier baby. She wants someone to play with her, and cries if she doesn't get that 1:1 focus. 
• T is noticing her brother and will pass toys back and forth with him. It's amazing how the toy in the other baby's hand is always better than the toy in her own, and vice versa!

• A is constantly up cruising the furniture, crawling, and getting into mischief. The toy he most wants is whatever object he's not allowed to have (e.g., baby monitor, Dad's cell phone, Grandma's sewing.)
• A figured out how to pull to stand, then use the baby gate bars to pull himself up onto the step that leads out of the family room. 
• Like his sister, A wants to feed himself with the spoon. He also likes shoving his nose into the spoon and snorting. This is why our child has carrots up his nose. 
• A is such a happy kid. His grin is so contagious. 
• A's got 8 teeth - 4 uppers and 4 lowers. Molars are next, sob. Aside from constant drooling, he's actually done amazingly well. There have been a few days of bad naps, but nothing more serious than that. 
• A week ago, A figured out that he could reach into T's crib and steal her lovey. We've moved the cribs farther apart, but we usually come in to find him standing at the end of his crib, looking at her. 
• A will stop what he's doing and look for T if he hears her crying. She'll do the same for him. 

Baby Book: 11 Months

The month to month changes at this age are so huge, it's amazing.

• A is now crawling everywhere. He figured out the forward crawl one day and just took off. We've had to baby gate off everything!
• A is pulling to stand on anything that might support his weight. He also stood without any support for a few seconds today.
• A has six teeth and loves grabbing things in his mouth and crawling off with them, puppy dog style! 
• A is so much happier now he can crawl. 
• A has become our better eater. He'll have more ounces of most solids than T will. He's also able to pick up puffs and mums and chomp down on them. 
• A is still the more mellow baby. He loves hugs. When in his walker table, he'll still run over and hug his Dad's legs the moment he sees Dad come into the room. 

• T is showing no signs of crawling. She won't get up on her knees. She can sit if you help her get upright, but can't sit herself up unless someone holds her legs. 
• T will roll to get to toys, but as before she'll only move exactly as much as needed to get what she wants.
• T will 'fake cry' - sob without tears - to have toys handed to her, rather than move to get them.
• T loves to stand if you help her. I suspect she thinks crawling is beneath her and wants to go straight to walking. 
• T started to use the walker table and will joyously run laps around it now. Overnight she figured out how to walk with one foot in front of the other, versus using both feet to push/pull.
• T is now a pickier eater. Foods she enjoyed she'll no longer tolerate. No peas. No bananas. No peanut butter in yogurt. No carrots. She wants yogurt. 
• T will eat some solids, but has trouble getting them into her mouth. She seems to like Mum mums, and she'll eat french toast chunks. If you feed her yogurt melts she'll eat them, but good luck getting her to feed herself!