A Waiting Game

Patience has, quite frankly, never been my strong suit. I suspect much of this is the result of how I viewed the various stages of my life. Highschool was the thing you did so you could get good enough grades/work/volunteer experience to go to college. College was the thing you did so you could get good enough grades/research/work experience to go to grad school. Grad school was the thing you did so you could get that first job, which would eventually get you to a stellar career.

Every stage was an opportunity to work my ass off, excel, and therefore get what I wanted in the next stage. Every stage was something to be conquered before moving on to the next. Because the focus was always on the next stage, I spent a lot of my life ‘counting down’ – waiting for the end. I counted the days until the end of college semesters. I counted the days until the end of grad school semesters. My “coping” strategy for getting though a stage was to work harder, and that typically paid off with better outcomes in the next stage.

All of that is nice, and it’s left me in a really good place life and career-wise, but it hasn’t taught me how to cope when “work harder” isn’t an option that helps. When it comes to repeat pregnancy loss (RPL) no amount of work on my part is going to improve things. I already eat a good diet, maintain a healthy weight, and exercise a good amount. None of those things probably matter, but even if they do, there are no logical changes I can focus on working toward that might result in a better outcome. In other words, my normal coping strategy has failed me, and I have to revert to patience as a coping strategy.  

This is tough. Thursday, five days from now, will be my follow up appointment. It will also be when I find out my cycle day 3 test results. I expect that Thursday will be when I find out if we’re just dealing with RPL, or if we’re adding infertility into the mix, too. I’m worried. I’m 36, almost 37. Based on that alone, there’s a good chance I’ll be diagnosed as “diminished ovarian reserve.”  I understand that knowing my test results today won’t change anything when compared to knowing them on Thursday, but I’m still not finding it easy to wait patiently for Thursday. Or to wait patiently to ovulate and then get a period so I can start my next cycle. Or for any other waiting involved in this process of trying to conceive (TTC)!

It would probably be better for my mental health, physical health, and eventual success if I could wait out life patiently. I would say ‘that’s what I’m going to work on,’ but that sounds like my normal approach. So I’ll focus on alternate coping strategies (blogging, anyone?), appreciate how wonderful my day to day life is despite these heartbreaks, and keep moving toward Thursday. .  with my 5 day counter ticking down! J