Monday the 24th, I went in for my routine antepartum ultrasound. I knew we’d be getting bad news, because I’d been leaking so much more fluid. I think the u/s showed that she still had some fluid, but it also showed that her feet and cord were fully engaged in the birth canal. She was breech with her little legs crossed. We knew then that it was over.
The doctors and residents came in for rounds about an hour later and told us what we were expecting – that I was in labor and she’d be born in the next day or two. The doctor, who was the most compassionate of those we had met, said delivery would probably be very fast. She told us they’d move us over to L&D when we were ready, but there was no rush.
We let our family know. While DH’s mom was in town, my dad and step mom had left for a few days because they’d had a friend who was visiting them at their home. They changed their flights to get back as soon as they could, but that was Tuesday the 25th.
I got up, for the first time in three weeks, and got a long, long shower. After that, we let the nurses know we were ready to go to L&D. A room opened up and we were moved somewhere between 11 and 12. I was having relatively painless contractions every 10 minutes or so. I knew I was contracting only because I could feel my belly get firm, but there was no pain. When I was up and walking around, I felt pressure and cramping in my back, but nothing that would actually be pain.
We stayed in the L&D room for about 2 hours, with the nurses checking in, but our doctor never came. Eventually we learned that once we moved to L&D, the perinatologist was no longer allowed to see us, so one of the hospital staff doctors would deliver Quinn. We politely but adamantly expressed dismay over that. A month earlier I’d asked who would deliver us when we were transferred to the university hospital where my OB doesn’t practice, and I was told perinatology would. I didn’t want a complete stranger who didn’t know my history of hemorrhage there. We said this, and the nurse left.
About an hour later, the amazing perinatologist, Dr. Y., came in. She checked me using the ultrasound, and Quinn was engaged further with no fluid left, but not quite far enough out yet. Dr. Y told me to try walking for an hour. If we could get Quinn to deliver without further intervention, Dr. Y would break hospital rules to be the one to deliver, along with an OB resident. I walked for an hour, and Dr. Y and the resident came back. They used the ultrasound to see what was happening as I pushed, and guided me. It was amazingly calm and peaceful, and almost entirely pain-free. After a half dozen pushes or so, I could feel Quinn start to move. After another few pushes, she was out. Someone checked and confirmed Quinn was alive.
Dr. Y asked if we wanted to hold Quinn and then suggested we do delayed cord clamping to maximize our time with her. They wrapped her up and gave her to me, and holding her was so utterly amazing. She was tiny, but I could feel her move in my arms. That was the most wonderful, precious thing I’ve ever felt. The nurses got my MIL from the waiting room, so she could come in and see Quinn while she was still alive.
Eventually they cut the cord and gave Quinn to us. She was such a fighter that she was still alive. They also started me on Pitocin as the placenta hadn’t delivered. We just held our daughter and let the doctors do their thing, and eventually the placenta did deliver. After about an hour and a quarter, the nurse checked Quinn’s heartbeat and she was gone. They took her, wrapped her up in a new blanket, and gave her back to us so we could spend more time with her. It wasn’t enough. It could never have been enough.
I am so grateful for such a calm, peaceful experience. I am so grateful for the time we got with Quinn, and that Quinn got to meet one of her grandmas. I am so grateful that this delivery went smoothly, and Dr. Y was willing to stay with us. During a day of utter heartbreak, those things were rays of light. Afterward, they let me go back to spend the night in my old room in Antepartum, and I was discharged the next morning.
The nurses took pictures of Quinn after she left our room, including the one above. I didn't find this picture until yesterday. It's funny because when she was born, I recall thinking that she didn't really look like anyone in our families. Seeing her in this photo, I realized she is the spitting image of my maternal grandmother. That is grandma's chin and nose, no doubt about it. I'm hoping that they're together somewhere now, and grandma is giving Quinn all the love and snuggles that I can't give her in person.
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