Missing a Few Things

Things that are missing:

1. My period. Can I tell you how worried I am? I've NEVER had a 14 day luteal phase, even with progesterone. There is no chance I'm pregnant. My temp has dropped. There is no bleeding. Does this mean my lining is gone? My uterus is fused shut? This surgery, all this pain, was in vain? I am not in a good place.

2. My ability to know when I have to pee. I guess the swelling is still bad enough that I can't tell if/when I have to pee. This is not good.

3. DH's STD screen. To be fair, this isn't missing, he just hasn't gone to get the blood draw. I guess this doesn't matter - no period means no RE, no RE means he'll never need his STD results. That said, I'm really frustrated, because I've just been fucking cut open and he can't find the 2 hours it will take to get a blood draw. I know he's super stressed and I know he hates needles, but that, combined with the fact that he left me mid-recovery to go to CA for a business trip does not leave me feeling supported. And that's partly not fair, because he took amazing care of me in Chicago and on the first day home, and no one's taking care of him, but it's still how I feel.

4. Seven pounds. I am officially back at middle school weight. Not being able to eat for more than a week is suboptimal. It's not what I want going into trying to get pregnant again, and it's really depressing, because I spent the last few months trying to get back in shape and now I've probably lost what little muscle I gained. Did I mention that I'm not in a good place?

5. My willingness to touch myself between my belly button and my knees! Seriously, between the incision, the abdominal pain, and the digestive pain, plus the history of uterine infection, I get scared each time I have to do things like use the bathroom and take a shower. I don't want to touch myself. It hurts, I'm worried I'll "break" something, and it's so depressing to see my body so trashed for no obvious benefit (see #1). And since we're on the TMI train, I'm sure not ready yet, but I am so scared about having sex again. I know the TAC will have no impact, but I've got this irrational fear of pain or problems during sex. This sucks.