By this time next week, I'll be 10 dpo and have a pretty good idea if this cycle reached what I consider to be "stage two": biochemical pregnancy. Next Sunday would be beta day, if I get a positive home test. I'm still far enough out to be calm about it. If anything fertilized, and if it started to correctly divide, it would be reaching morula stage in the next 24 hours or less: That means 16 cells, which are starting to compact as they prepare to head to the blastocyst stage. There's some research to suggest that embryos that reach morula earlier do better than those that reach it late, and "sibling" embryos of those who reach morula early do better than siblings who reach it late. Thus, I'm hoping there's life inside me and it's reaching morula now!
In IVF settings, the big fall-off is between the 6-8 cell stage and blastocyst stage, so I'm also hoping that if anything is growing, it it's healthy and able to keep dividing through to blastocyst and beyond. Our recurrent chemical pregnancies suggest that my issues tend to happen later in the game: in that 7 to 10 day range when the embryo should be hatching and implanting.
As for the rest of the stages as I've defined them, I consider appropriately doubling betas to be "stage three." I've only made it to stage three in half of my pregnancies, so it's a stressful time. Stage four is a heartbeat, or a clinical pregnancy, and on that we're two of six pregnancies. Stage five is normal chromosome results and still having a heartbeat at 12 weeks. Once again, two of six. Stage six is viability, where we're at zero. I want to make it there. I'm not even ready to consider the existence of a stage seven, just let me get to six, please, then we'll talk!
Reading this, I realize just how demanding I am! In my head, I sound like a petulant child: "I want my eggs to fertilize and grow. I want my betas to double. I want to see a heartbeat and get good NPT results. I want a living baby. I want, I want I want." On one hand, I feel guilty about making all these demands of my body, and any life inside it. On the other hand, this is basic survival of the species! Wanting this isn't abnormal or inappropriate, right? Is there a point when I need to tell the petulant child to shut up and just let things be? There probably is, but I guess I'm not there yet. I wonder how one even knows they've reached that point, much less comes to terms with it?
I don’t think you are being demanding at all! But I get why your brain is going to a place where you think you are whining as you’ve been through so much that something so normal seems like you are complaining. It’s like feeling guilty for breathing when one’s lungs are giving out.
ReplyDeleteSending you love as you go through this 2 week wait. Hoping so much for you.