Unexpected Healing

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In August of 2016, after the betas were positive but before our first ultrasound, DH and I went to a B&B called the Blue Heron for our 10th wedding anniversary. Despite the fact that I was bleeding and certain I must be miscarrying, we had an amazing time. The beauty of the Boundary Waters is, to me, unsurpassed. It is a place that brings me peace and happiness, and it was a lovely trip. Days after we returned home, we saw two heartbeats on the ultrasound screen for the first time. I associate the Blue Heron with those happy memories. 

In June of 2017, while pregnant with Quinn, we decided to scatter some of the twins' ashes in the Boundary Waters. As their mom, I couldn't do much for them, but I could leave them in what I believe is the most beautiful place in the world. We returned to the Blue Heron again. It was an incredible trip, and we wanted to make it a family tradition and return when Quinn was born. 

Last December, knowing that we wanted to scatter Quinn's with her sisters', I tried to book at the Blue Heron, but it had gone out of business. There was a "B&B for sale" message that had taken over their website. I discovered this about the same time as my December/January miscarriage occurred. It was one more cut, one more hurt. I've tried to move past it, but a part of me has been so sad ever since that we can't easily return to scatter some of Quinn's ashes. 

This morning, I checked the Blue Heron website on a whim (confession, I checked it last week too, and they were still closed) and discovered that they've re-opened under new ownership! I can't communicate the feeling of relief that's come over me, knowing that we CAN go back this summer for Quinn. It's like a wound that's suddenly healed up. We'll plan to go back for our anniversary this year. There's a symmetry to that. The travel will be tough for DH for work related reasons, but when I told him they had re-opened and I wanted to go, he surprised me and said it was important to him, too. So we'll make the time, visit our girls, and say goodbye to Quinn where it feels most right. 


I really feel the girls have been with me a lot this summer. This morning on my commute, I saw a double rainbow. Several minutes later, there was a third rainbow. On my Saturday morning walk, when I was feeling down and in a bad head-space, a loon flew overhead, calling at me. He must have circled past twice, because he stayed with me until I was out of my funk. Just as I was wrapping up that walk, I heard a loon calling from out on the lake. Our lake isn't big enough for loons, so we don't usually hear them here. During our visit to the B&B, there were two mated pairs of loons we were able to watch. Thus, I associate the herons and the loons with the girls. To really wrap things up, on my commute last Thursday, two blue herons flew past overhead, followed shortly thereafter by a single white heron. (Which is why I felt the urge to check the B&B's website last week!). Coincidence and all that, sure. Or not. I prefer to believe that it's my girls helping me to heal by reminding me that they're always with me.