My grandma was a worrier. World class. Grandma would start out by observing that there were clouds in the sky and somehow work her way around to worrying that you'd wind up with pneumonia or die in a car accident if you went out. No matter how remote the possibility, grandma could find a way to worry about it. (Her guilt trips were also things of legend.)
Apparently I inherited the 'improbable chain of causality' worrying gene. I also seem to have my own 'irrational anger based on fear' gene that's playing a role.
DH is on a 10 day trip, wherein he and his buddies have done hundreds of miles of bike riding. This is his stress relief and his social network. I support his riding because of its importance to him, but the hours-every-day right before our next cycle is killing me. Our 'male' list from CCRM lists 'don'ts', and one 'don't' is bike riding. Of course, DH's count is fantastic, and clearly we don't need IUI to get pregnant. So what's to worry about?
Well, in my improbable chain of causality, I start by freaking out that all the riding is going to result in high DNA fragmentation which will lead to more losses. Then, without knowing whether or not that's true, I get angry at DH, because I'm doing insane things to try to make my eggs healthy and he's (maybe) literally cooking his sperm. I try to remind myself that we don't yet know that his riding has had any impact.
Even as I'm reminding myself we have no idea if biking has an impact, I start to remember that these are my last three shots with my genetics. Then the fear and anger really set in. I know I'll be livid if his bike riding has reduced our slim chances even further. He's a dude, so he'll be able to take 3 months off the bike, improve his counts, and then knock up donor eggs. He'll still get genetically normal kids. My about-to-be-39-year old eggs are cooking more every day despite my yoga and pills and acupuncture. Once my mind reaches this point, I pretty much want to strangle him.
And then the moment (or hour, or day) will pass, and I'll find myself wondering if we should move straight to donor, because there would be such a relief from having PGS-tested embryos. Which leaves me thinking to myself: 'if you're ready to move to donor, then why on earth were you angry at DH because his bike riding *might* reduce your chances of a biological kid?'
Sigh. My brain makes no sense.
DH agreed to do a frag test. My real worry, the one that's actually founded on knowledge of myself, is that it's going to be hard on both of us and our marriage if it comes back with high frag. I really hope this cycle works so we don't have to cross that particular bridge. I love that he gets to ride. I love riding with him on occasion. I can't wait for next weekend, so we can go out to my favorite trail, which is where I snapped the picture above yesterday. I can't wait for a life when neither of us has to worry about our gametes.
Few thoughts.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I get your thought process. There’s a LOT riding on all of this. None of it trivial. I would be anxious too.
Second: I really think they need to re-examine the bike stuff. Sperm is housed outside the body as it requires cooler temperatures to develop, but my understanding as to why biking is bad is due to improper seat position resulting in repeated impact to the testes. I think the new seats (and the angle) are meant to allievate this. I also wonder if biking can actually improve sperm count/quality (it seemed to for Grey) given that stress hormones can be toxic.
I guess what I’m saying is I get it. Truly, I do. Biking is important to your husband (just as it is for Grey), but it’s hard not to worry given all you’ve put your body through. Keep talking to one another and making compromises. Hugs to you.
Feeling with you on this one. We aren't big bikers, but we quit for years during treatment and I was like NO HOT TUBS! And it's impossible not to think of all the things that could damage chances. But, Cristy's thoughts on the bike design and converse impact of stress hormones makes sense, too. I know I felt like I was doing so much to try to make things go well, Egg Boot Camp and all that stuff, and it seemed so colossally unfair that there weren't as many restrictions on my husband and that he balked at some of the few he had. We never did a frag test, but I could see how that would be good to know but also hard on the relationship. It's all so difficulty, and all the unknowns could drive you crazy. Especially when you think on how controlled it is for us and how others do this by accident. So maddening.I wish you peace and luck as you head towards you're cycle, and that you get through these difficult times. You will. It just sucks to be in it, so much. ❤️
ReplyDelete