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There's a popular sentiment I've encountered during past pregnancies that goes something like this: "It's a good thing to be hopeful and excited and look forward to this pregnancy being successful." Friends, loved ones, even a therapist or two have all espoused some variant of this idea to me during past losses.
My reaction to that? It really pisses me off.
Full disclaimer: at this moment, I AM hopeful and excited about this pregnancy. Just like I was for much of my 2017 pregnancy and much of the twins'. However, I still think this advice is callous bullshit.
Let's look at a few different scenarios. There will be two variants to each scenario, variant "A" and variant "B".
Scenario 1
A: You've been dating a guy for months and you're falling for him. You've started to picture a long term future with him and you find yourself excited and daydreaming about it. Just when you're ready to use the "L" word, he calls to end the relationship.
B: You've been on a few dates with a guy. He's nice and fun, but something just isn't clicking. You're starting to think about moving on, because you don't see a future with him. At the end of a date, he suggests that you should just be friends.
Scenario 2
A: Your dream job gets posted, in another city where you'd like to live. You apply and make it through multiple interviews. Each interview makes you like the job more. You start browsing real estate and thinking of all the great things about the new city. Then you find out they hired someone else.
B: You're happy with your current job, but a friend convinces you to apply to a position at the company where she works. You do a few interviews, and while it seems interesting, you're not sure if it's better than what you have today. They hire someone else.
Scenario 3
A: You've been house-hunting for 12 months and your dream home comes on the market. You love everything about it and can completely see yourself living there. You submit an offer, but it sells to someone else.
B: On your first weekend house-hunting, you see a house you like and submit an offer. It's not perfect, but it will do. The house sells to someone else.
I'm guessing that most people have experienced some version of one or more of these scenarios. In each case, A is the 'hopeful and excited' version. If you've lived through an "A" or two in your life, can you honestly tell me that the emotional fall out from things not working out is the same as the "B" scenarios? I can't. I've lived a few "As" and found them really hard. They're memorable. I'm sure I've lived "Bs", but I don't even remember most of them!
Guarding your heart against extra pain by not being hopeful and excited for the future seems completely reasonable to me. Worst case scenario: you didn't enjoy the 'now' as much as you could have. Best case scenario: the worst will be one or two iotas less bad when it happens. That's a reasonable trade off from my point of view. As I said in my disclaimer, I'm not doing that this time, but I have before and hearing people tell me it was the wrong way to go just added more aggravation to already hard situations.
Moral of the story: be hopeful if you want. Be guarded if you want. Don't be telling someone else what to be!
So many struggled that I seemed so detached during my last pregnancy. What I think they failed to understand was that I was in survivor mode, steeling myself for the worst case scenario.
ReplyDeleteI think there’s a lot of good to being excited and hopeful. It does bring in emotions and feelings that are pretty awesome. But I agree with you about forcing the issue. Everyone needs to do what they need to do.
Survivor mode is a great way to put it. Sometimes that's the best you can do, and sometimes that's what you want to do. And it needs to be your call because you're the one who has to live it.
DeleteI love this, especially the last sentence -- "Don't be telling someone else what to be!" I feel like, if you want to be guarded, be guarded -- if you want to embrace the now no matter what may come, do that -- IT'S WHATEVER IS RIGHT FOR YOUR HEART, FOR YOUR EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING. (Hot button thing for me!) I love your comparisons of situations. They are very different. I hope that you are doing what's right for you (and CLEARLY I've missed a few posts!).
ReplyDeleteI think you feel the way you feel. There's no right way, and no wrong way. We all do what feels right for us, and that's all we can ever do.
ReplyDeleteThere's "Hope" and there's "hope," too. I think friends and family have blind hope, and think that when they tell us to hope, they are helping us. Whereas when we have hope, having been through what we've been through, it's always tinged with the knowledge of odds, of what we've been through, and a more conscious decision to hope, and with an understanding of what that hope may cost us. Whatever we do, I 100% agree that no-one should tell you how to feel.