They say an optimist sees the glass as half full. A pessimist sees the glass as half empty. I describe myself as a cynical optimist: the glass is half full, but it's probably dirty, because they don't make dishwashers like they used to!
Despite that being how I always approach live, I'm having a hard time with optimism now.
We saw two babies. Both measuring on track. But only one had a normal heart rate. Baby B's heart rate was way too slow (86 bpm at 6w1d, versus 125 for baby A). My OB gave us a generous estimate of B having a 50/50 shot of survival. Research I read shows as high as 60% as low as 30%.
For the first time in all of this, I am just really angry at the universe, or fate, or whatever. I want both of these babies. I want them healthy. I want to not have to be any more scared of losing them than absolutely necessary. Instead, I get to move forward knowing that there's a good chance we'll lose Baby B, and that vanishing twins cause all sorts of their own complications.
Really, universe? Really?!? You've put me through enough already. Give me this one. Give me two healthy babies. I've been puking constantly for more than a week, and I'll put up with whatever misery you throw at me this pregnancy, just let both of my babies be safe and healthy. Nobody owes me anything, but isn't it about fucking time for a happy ending?
I’m sorry. And I’m angry with you too. You deserve nothing short of a drama-free, easy pregnancy. You deserve not to be facing any more loss. Hell, you deserve to be holding all your children in your arms instead of holding them in your heart. I’m sorry that instead you are facing this news.
ReplyDeleteSending you oceans of love.
I’m thrilled to hear of a healthy baby. Saddened to hear there’s another that might not make it. You have been through far too much. Hoping so hard for your happy ending.
ReplyDeleteHang in there! Hopefully you will get your happy baby ending!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry girl. Sending you a hug.
ReplyDeleteI hope all is going well!
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