I know it's early to be thinking of such things, but I was pondering all the hopes I've abandoned with respect to pregnancy and childbirth.
Our first pregnancy, which ended in a 10 week MMC, I had hoped for a vaginal birth. I wanted it to be followed by a few days spent just with my husband and the baby, learning to be a nuclear family together before adding grandparents into the mix. I hadn't planned on finding out the sex, I hoped to wait for the delivery room announcement. I felt pretty good during that pregnancy, and hoped to enjoy every second of being pregnant. I was still working out daily and hoped to continue doing so.
Sounded charming, no? Ha!
After three miscarriages, I was still hoping for the vaginal birth, but when expecting twins, I knew a c-section was likely, so I abandoned that hope. I also knew we wouldn't get nuclear family time alone. Instead, I'd have grandparents whose help I'd badly need immediately after surgery. Thus, I abandoned the alone time hope, too. After the losses, I wanted to know the babies were healthy as soon as possible, so I abandoned the hope of not knowing the sex and found out early. I did still hope that I'd be bringing term babies home from the hospital with me, and there'd be no NICU time. Once the worst nausea passed, I enjoyed my pregnancy and hoped to keep doing so.
This time around, I'm still nauseous, I still feel awful at 19 weeks. Nausea has said goodbye to its dear friend vomiting, but invited in its pals heartburn and endless gas. I've abandoned the hope that I'll get to enjoy any of this pregnancy. I know that between the c-section (and possible hemorrhage) and prematurity/NICU time, I may not even get to HOLD my babies before the grandparents do, never mind having alone time. Since I want the kids to know love and comfort as soon as possible, I've (sadly) come to terms with that.
Hopes, abandoned.
Now? Now the only thing I feel I can hope for is healthy, living babies. Heck, even that feels demanding. I know how lucky I am to even be pregnant again, to even have a shot at hoping for healthy babies. That makes it slightly easier to let go of all the hopes I've had to abandon. . . but only slightly. Why do I feel compelled not to grieve over all the hopes that won't be met simply because I've known worse grief? I realize that loss has taken so much away from me, and now I'm letting my knowledge and associated guilt force me to adapt in ways I don't want to adapt. I think it's time to work on that. It's ok to be angry, even if my babies survive. Logically, I know that. Emotionally, I still need to accept that it's true.
I get this as I lived my own version. I abandoned so many wants and ideals over the course of years just trying to expand my family. I threw all that I wanted solely to make sure my babies came home and would thrive. It wasn’t until later, when all the dust had settled and we were in something of a routine that I began to mourn all that was lost. The milestone so many women get to experience was so tainted for me.
ReplyDeleteBut the one silver lining was that the ideals so many of those same women now hold onto and struggle with I don’t give much thought to. Yes, making sacrifices in how my life looks like is draining, but I don’t grieve the “shoulds” and “woulds” because I know they often aren’t realistic.
I guess I’m saying I heard you, I’m sorry your going through this and it certainly sucks. But I hope one day you find similar silver linings.
Thank you for this - it's nice to know that good may come out of the frustrations and losses. I do know that the moment of panic I've had with each past pregnancy, that "what have we done?!?" feeling was absolutely not present this time, so I guess that's something I'm already glad to have abandoned.
DeleteThinking of you -- it's so hard to feel that you're just whittling down expectations due to previous losses, and I think perfectly legitimate to feel angry about it, even if you accept it at the same time.
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