Breast May Not Be Best

Going into this pregnancy, I knew that I really wanted to try to breastfeed. Every woman I personally know who has breastfed says it's incredibly hard and quite painful, especially at first. Most of them also say it's rewarding if you can make it through. Plenty of women on the internet seem to claim that pain is a sign 'you're doing it wrong', but I call B.S. on that!

So, we gave it a shot.

Due to their prematurity, the babies couldn't breastfeed, even attempt it, until about 33 weeks, so I pumped at first. At around 33.5 weeks, T started showing signs of cuing, so we tried breastfeeding. I was still in intense pain from my digestive system, especially when sitting upright, which complicated matters.

At the recommendation of the lactation consultant, I used a nipple shield. The process to breastfeed was awful. First a nurse would weigh the baby. I'd grit my teeth against the pain and sit upright. Using both hands, I'd place the nipple shield to draw my inverted nipples into it, then hand express milk into it. Once I was ready, I'd be passed the baby with all their monitoring wires attached. At that point, I'd try to get them to latch. T would latch then scream, twist her head back and forth, and tear the shield off my breast. That would send the expressed milk spilling down my front/bra, and I'd have to replace the shield and hand express more milk one handed, while holding her with the other. Not easy. Eventually she'd start sucking, but always after chomping down on my nipples at least once. Who knew gums could hurt so much? A would latch, then lay there looking up at me and never suck.

Those internet women who say breastfeeding shouldn't be painful? They often say you need the baby to have a wide latch. "Get the areola fully in the baby's mouth." Yeah, right. You try managing that while trying to hold on a nipple shield and working with a preemie whose mouth is the size of a dime!

Once we'd spent 15-20 minutes at this, the nurse would take her back and re-weigh her. One of the most crushing moments of our entire 8 week hospital stay was when they took her back, by which point I was shaking with pain from sitting upright, and told me she'd LOST a gram. Let me tell you, it's brutal to do something that hurts so badly, feel like you're torturing your child the entire time due to the screaming, and then find out you accomplished worse than nothing!

Over the course of 8 weeks, the best we ever transferred was 27 mls, which was half of the needed amount at the time. Since I needed to empty my breasts to keep building my supply, that meant I still needed to pump. Given my pain level from sitting up, eventually I started to prioritize pumping over attempting to breastfeed.

Pumping has been nearly as tough, although I can happily report that my pump doesn't ever scream at me when I put it to breast! My supply has hovered at 50-66% of what the babies need, despite everything I've tried to increase it. I power pumped for days on end. I tried pumping every 2 hours around the clock for 4 straight days. I tried drinking more, sleeping more, sleeping less. Hell, I even tried coconut water! No increase. I suspect this is partially due to all the retained placenta I had, but the surgery to remove it hasn't done much to increase my supply, so who knows?

I also have a great deal of nipple pain. Unless I'm in a hot shower or under a heating pad, my nipples constantly feel like they're being stabbed by needles. They often turn white or purple. My OB suspects that this is due to my Raynaud's syndrome, which apparently impacts breast tissue and not just hands and feet. WTF, body? Can you do nothing helpful? Apparently the answer is no.

I have a goal of 6 months of pumping. We all know I'm stubborn, so we'll see if I make it or not.