More?

In August DH got a referral for the big V. He asked me if there was any reason to bank sperm before the surgery, since that ship will have sailed afterward. I know what my answer should be, but I hesitated.

If I was to wake up today and see two lines on a pregnancy test, I'd be happy. So my question to myself is: why?

I *think* it's because actually being a mom has been awesome. Because I'm so enjoying all of the 'firsts' that we're having with these babies, and I'm sad that they'll be our only firsts. Because I'm sad I've already hit some 'lasts:' the last nap snuggle with A on the sofa, the last time breastfeeding, the last time sitting with T on my legs after a bottle hearing her 'talk' happily to me. I loved two of those things.

Two lines would mean an in-pregnancy TAC, though. It would mean risking loss and the NICU again. It would mean risking the physical hell I went through after my c-section again. It would mean that I'd go from feeling like I can never quite give enough attention to each child because the other needs me to feeling like there's no way in h*ll I can give everyone the attention I'd like to give! It would probably mean an extra 4+ years of work to offset childcare and college costs.

Let's get real here, too. After my second post c-section hysteroscopy, my uterus was filled with scar tissue. The ultrasound images were so bad that I could see all the scarring. I'll be 40 in not that many days. I won't go through treatments again, because I won't risk twins again or spend that kind of money. So two lines would mean a genuine miracle, which I gave up on when Quinn arrived four days short of minimum viability.

Writing all of this down, my head knows what the right decision for our family is, and that decision doesn't involve banking anything. My heart is still hesitating. I told DH I was hesitating. I told him why I was hesitating.

Turns out, he's hesitating too, for the same reasons.

I'm not sure where we go from here. Maybe NTNP once my period returns. I hear rumors that unprotected sex leads to pregnancy. I'll probably just wind up with more early losses, but so long as the hesitation remains, I guess I'm willing to take that risk. We'll see where DH falls when the time comes.

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I typed this post up, then life got in the way and I wasn't able to post it for several weeks. And in that time, something has changed that's leaving me spinning. My corporate 2020 benefits came out. And my employer is now offering infertility coverage, that, according to the brochure, would allow me to go straight to IVF. AND, for the first time in 2020, my clinic is covered!

I don't know the dollar limits, but if IVF was covered, we wouldn't have to risk twins again. And if it was covered, there wouldn't be the same financial pressure. There are my two objections to more treatments, gone.

I feel like this might change everything. Or the limits might be so low it would change nothing. Or I might be too old for my clinic now. Or, or, or, or. . .   Did I mention I'm spinning? So much to consider and discuss with DH.