Friday will be Quinn's third birthday. It's almost impossible to believe that so much time has gone past, yet here we are with her little brother and sister turning 17 months on her birthday. I still miss her, and her big sisters, every day. When I look at T, I wonder if Alexis, Zoe, or Quinn would have been similar in temperament or looks. I wish so badly that we could have gotten to know all three. I send a hearty "fuck you" to the people who say that we wouldn't have T and A if we had our older girls, so it's better that we lost them. There is no way the complexity of feelings around the presence of living children as a result of lost ones should be reduced to 'it's better.'
A year ago, we booked a trip to take the Grandmas, T, and A up to the Boundary Waters, to "visit" our older girls. We booked the trip for Quinn's birthday. We should have left yesterday. It kills me to do so, but given COVID, we've cancelled the trip. If we didn't have the twins, we'd still go, no thought necessary. I missed visiting the girls last summer in a way that's almost instinctual. Still, I won't risk exposing my living kids, and with closures and cancellations, we'd have had little to occupy their time with. I deeply hope to return next summer, but I know better than to plan for it.
For now, I send all my love to Quinn on her birthday. If a spirit exists and hers is out there, I hope she knows peace and love.
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