Here's Your Sign

They say familiarity breeds contempt. I think it's more like 'familiarity breeds disillusionment'. Maybe 'realism' is better.

We decided to go for one final, out of pocket cycle. Across my lifetime, that means that yesterday was my 12th baseline scan. I'm not really a person who believes in signs, but I'll admit that when A and T's cycle aligned, date-wise, to Alexis and Zoe's cycle, that seemed like a good thing. A sign. I had the same feeling of a 'sign' when our early IVF round aligned to Alexis and Zoe's cycle. When the nurse who did my baseline was the same during my first IVF cycle as during A and T's cycle, that also seemed like a good thing. It felt sign-like. It felt good.

Yesterday's baseline was with that same nurse. Instead of thinking "Oh, that's a good sign!", I didn't even notice. It wasn't until I was driving home again that I thought "Oh yeah, it was Gina. She did A and T's scans and some of Alexis and Zoe's. Her measurements are usually large compared to the other techs, so don't panic that she said you have a large follicle at baseline." Only after going through that thought process did I remember the overlap with my past twin cycles.

By now, I know that no amount of good signs is going to lead to a better outcome. No amount of hoping and praying and visualizing the outcome I want. No amount of wearing the same clothes, or the same jewelry or the same facemask will change what happens. Fertility treatments are mostly a numbers game. The best I can do is hope that this round happens to produce a good draw of the numbers. I can acknowledge the small probability that months of HGH use and careful lifestyle choices have had a positive impact. I can take my meds on schedule and go to my appointments, but no matter who does the scans, either these eggs are euploid, or they aren't. Either they'll fertilize, or they won't. Either they'll reach blast, or they'll get stuck at compacting morula like every other embryo we've created. 

Although I don't believe in signs, I'll still put out a plea to the universe. Please, Universe, let this be a good draw. Let the numbers land in such a way that this one gets us a take home baby. Please. Penitence and persistence and effort don't count for anything in this path, but if they did, I've lived them. So, please.