It's been a long time and a challenging one, but it's interesting to see how the kids have grown.
T is fiercely independent in some ways, but absolutely wants to have all the attention in others. She doesn't like to do things for herself, she wants you to do things for her. It seems to be her way of confirming that you care about her. She's the one who tires easily and doesn't want to walk/run/ride as far, so sometimes it's just a lack of energy meaning that she doesn't want to do something herself, but she still wants it to be done. We've been working for months with her on how to ask politely and be patient when asking. These things are still not her strong suites.
T is smart, she has an amazing memory. If something is lost, you can count on T being the one to find it for you. If T tells you a story about what happened or what she saw, there's a good chance it's true. At home, she displays very little empathy. She can be silly if prompted, but at age 4, she'll be the one to remind me that "No, mom, he's a stuffed frog" if I ask her if her stuffed frog Mr Jumpy did something silly like eat the last cookie. In other words, she's a bit more serious than I tend to be! That doesn't mean that she doesn't giggle and have fun, but that she trends serious, not silly.
T is creative and usually wants to be the leader when playing at home. At school, her teachers tell us that she's always looking out for her brother, making sure he's safe. She even tries to help keep him out of trouble there, which is funny because she's the very first to try to get him into trouble at home! She also doesn't talk up or engage with others at school, unlike at home. We are putting T and A into separate classrooms in September with the hope that she'll be able to make her own friends and come out of her shell if she doesn't feel she needs to be A's caregiver at school. We've noticed at summer camps that she'll be the one to remember the names of friends, and to point out friends who are in the same camps together. I hope she can make friends this school year.
T's misbehavior is usually clearly driven by a desire to get more attention, or because she's tired. She's pretty good about going to her room to take a nap when she needs it. She can be trusted to play alone and she's a great helper. One on one, she's absolutely delightful. I think the experience I would have had raising her if she'd been an only child would have been vastly different than the one I have had with her as a twin and now an older sister. She spent most of age 2.5-4.25 having really spectacular tantrums. The worst one was last summer and was a full 90 minutes of top of her lungs screaming. Despite what any of the books say, no amount of acknowledging feelings helped them. No calming techniques helped. Any intervention just enrages her more. We've found that she just needs time alone with her stuffed frog to calm down.
T is also gorgeous. I genuinely think she's beautiful. Everyone in our family is average, at best, so I have no idea where she gets it from, but I'm happy for her. She has stunning hazel eyes and beautiful curly hair. I grew up basically being told I was ugly by my parents, so I hope she knows how pretty and how smart she is.
A is still pure energy and an ear-to-ear grin. He never stops talking, or singing, or yelling. He has a beloved stuffed puppy and stuffed sloth and the stories he will tell you about their adventures show his joy and all the things he's learned. He loves helping his dad in the garage or his grandma in the garden and yard.
A has boundless curiosity, and for the most part, it's because he really wants to know and understand. He loves to cuddle and hug and climb you like a tree. He can't sit still. The only time I've ever seen him still was the first day that he had COVID. We knew he was going to be sick before the fever started because he laid down on the sofa with his grandma and didn't move for about 20 minutes. That has never happened before. A wants to be outside, playing and digging in the dirt, tearing things apart, or running around the house. Even sitting on your lap, he's a tornado, constantly shifting position from top to bottom.
A can be so amazingly sweet to his sisters, especially to E. He'll help her get her stuffed animals, he'll push her around in boxes, which she loves. He'll offer to feed her food and give her big hugs and play wit her. Unfortunately, at his worst, he'll also physically lash out and hurt her, kicking, hitting, and scratching. Sometimes it's because she's going after a toy he wants. Sometimes it's just because she happens to walk close enough to his legs that he can reach her to kick. His worst behaviors seem to stem from being told 'no'. We've done a lot of PCIT work. It seems that attention isn't what he wants, and he's actually great at telling you what he's feeling. After six months of work, our therapist told us in not so many words that, as parents, we were doing all the things we needed to be doing, so the issues weren't caused solely by our parenting styles. On one hand, it was good to hear that we hadn't "broken" our kid. On the other hand, that leaves us without a "fix" that we can implement ourselves. At the room, A just can't modulate his frustration from being told 'no' into behavior other than aggression. That aggression might be physically hurting a person, an object that a person cares about, or it might be screaming loudly because he knows that no one likes it.
A absolutely does not follow directions. We're 9 months into OT and PT and we've made progress on hurting other people, but no progress on following directions. If he doesn't want to do something, you mostly have to physically redirect him. And once you have to get into physical redirection, then you're running into behaviors that stem from being told 'no', as described above. A is off the charts high on sensory seeking, so he's always looking for loud noises, making loud noises, and looking for tactile stimulation.
A likes to break things. Every toilet paper roll holder has been broken off the wall, all of our window screens that he can reach have been destroyed. Basically any object in our house that he can reach, he's broken. The psychologist we've been seeing since Jan said back then that he doesn't diagnose kids with ADHD until age 6 or 7, but by June he commented that we should plan to have A evaluated soon because his behaviors are consistent.
A tests high normal on intelligence and receptive language, and just barely scrapes into low normal on expressive language, specifically articulation. His speech is garbled and most people struggle to understand him. I really, really hope that time and therapy, and maybe the right medications, can help him because he is such an amazing kid. I worry that some of the amazing is going to get lost under the problem behaviors.
E is the too-good-to-be-true kid I didn't dare dream of. She's all cuddles and smiles. She potty trained herself at 20 months. Legit, she said: "pee, potty! Diaper off!" and a week later, she was 100% done with daytime diapers. She's been using 10+ word sentences at 23 months, and 5 word sentences since 21. She is the kid with the sense of humor, joking with us on a fairly regular basis, albeit in 22 month old fashion. She shows empathy, worrying about both siblings if she hears crying or sees them upset. She adores her big brother, asking for him and always wanting to play with him.
E has a tenacity that I'm envious of. When she decides to do something, she'll keep working at it until she succeeds, typically without whining or crying. The downside of this is that we've had to move her out of her high chair already, because she decided to figure out how to unbuckle herself (and she did), and we've had to get rid of the baby gate, because she decided to figure out how to unlock it (and she did). The upside is that so far she mostly listens to directions and can get herself safely to and from the places that she needs to go. This includes climbing on and off the potty herself. Although she looks like a drunken Olympian mounting the pommel horse when it comes to getting on the potty, she can indeed succeed when she says, "Me do it!"
E is a picky eater who would happily subsist on milk only, or milk, cheese and pizza.
No comments:
Post a Comment