Maybe They Are

Maybe they are. . . my lines, that is. Second ultrasound was on Tuesday. I've been really nauseous. I threw up for the first time over the weekend, and it's been mind over matter to keep from heaving at various points since then.

Despite that, the 'what ifs' crept in.

What if your morning sickness is just psychosomatic?
What if they stopped developing, but your hcg is still up so you're still sick?
What if they turn out to have heads shaped like cornmeal muffins, because that's the only thing you're eating?

It wasn't pretty.

The ultrasound on the other hand, that was pretty. Two perfect babies. They've gotten so much bigger since 6 weeks. We could see brains and spines and arm buds developing. And both had beautiful, strong heartbeats. Watching them on the ultrasound probably goes on the list of the most amazing experiences of my life.

So that's it. I'm released to my OB. I have two more weeks of smurf crotch, and then I get to go drug free!

We still have to clear the genetic testing hurdle, and I'm scared of that one. I found out last week that I have a mutation of the ATM gene on my chromosome 11. That means I'm screwed up on both 9 and 11. I worry about what that might mean for these babies. But I love them, and despite the nausea and the burping, I am so damn happy to be here - almost 9 weeks pregnant, with two babies who have heartbeats!

Be Careful What You Wish For

Remember when I mentioned how messed up it was to want morning sickness? I also mentioned that even though it's messed up, I still felt that way, because it would give me some confidence I was still pregnant with growing babies?

Um, yeah. I got my wish. And while it does actually provide some infinitesimal measure of comfort that my hcg level hasn't tanked, it also doesn't help stop the fears of: 'what if one stopped growing?', 'what if they're both growing, but there are genetic issues?', 'what if there are no heartbeats at the next ultrasound?'

I will try to chalk this up to learning points #1 and #2 of being a parent:
#1: Your kid(s) will make you sick. Maybe that's via pinkeye or the cold going around school. Maybe that's via morning sickness. Either way, get used to it, it's unlikely to stop soon!

#2: You will always worry about your kid(s). You'll worry while they're growing inside you. You'll worry when they're out and struggling with friends or school or any of the million things that kids struggle with. The fact that you love them and want the best for them pretty much consigns you to a life of at least some worry.

While I'm getting used to those learning points, I'm trying to keep food down and not going near the computer as much, because I have this odd motion sickness from focusing on the screen. Since I was the girl who loved riding in the backward facing seat in the station wagon, and who read voraciously while driving, motion sickness is entirely new. Still, if less computer time means less violent nausea, well then I'll write to you again in the second trimester!

A Miracle or Two

The last 11 days have been some of the roughest in my memory. I have bled every single day. I bled on days I stayed still. I bled on days I was active. I bled while sleeping and while sitting on the sofa. I also cramped.

I told myself those can all be normal pregnancy symptoms, because they can.

As for the rest of my symptoms, they vanished. No sore boobs. No nausea. Nothing.

I told myself that can be normal too.

So I took a few home pregnancy tests. The cheapies from China. The Wondfos. A week ago, they were distinctly lighter than they had been. Took one this morning, at 6 weeks, 3 days. For those of you not into peeing on things, the dilution of your urine can have an impact. I'd "held it" for 5.5 hours. The line? Lighter than it was back on 13 DPO when I had my first beta done and only "held" for 4 hours.

That? That I couldn't justify away. There's no logical reason for a super light line. Today was ultrasound #1, and with a light line, I figured there was no chance of a happy ending. I took the afternoon off work and planned on spending it coordinating a d&c in the coming days.

But I guess miracles do happen. Because yesterday, three days after my 10th wedding anniversary, and on the due date of my first loss, the ultrasound showed two perfect heartbeats.

We have a long way to go yet, but for this moment, I'm head over heels in love.

On the Way Out?

Severe cramping yesterday. Awoke to brown spotting and more cramps. The end, I guess?

Then There Were None

I should be five weeks exactly today. It was right around now that my first pregnancy stopped developing, although I didn't know it for another five weeks. 

All my symptoms vanished yesterday. The bloat's gone. The indigestion is gone. My boobs are still sore, but not as bad. There is absolutely no mild nausea any longer. Even my racing heart rate has slowed down.

How utterly fucked up is it that I'm sitting here hoping for a serious case of morning sickness? I mean, really, who wants nausea and puking? Who wants to feel terrible? Women who've had losses and would do anything to know, on a daily basis, that their pregnancy is still progressing, that's who. And I fall into that group. 

Thus, I sit here, desperately hoping for the best, but expecting to see another loss when I go in for my first ultrasound on the 16th. Expecting to hear, again, that there's no heartbeat. Our tenth wedding anniversary is on the 13th. We're going away for a long weekend to celebrate. How do I celebrate now?

Risk Hope?

In early pregnancy, doctors expect hcg levels to double every 24-72 hours. A 48 hour doubling time is considered good and a promising sign. There is a bit of data to show that longer doubling times, while not automatically a problem, are correlated with worse outcomes.

My initial hcg was 249.9 on 13 DPO.

My second hcg was 837 on 15 DPO.

That's a doubling time of 28 hours!

Those are really damn great numbers. (That's the first time I've been able to say that about ANY of my test results in the last 8 months.) Those are numbers that mean this isn't another chemical pregnancy. But my first pregnancy ended in a blighted ovum, which would have had much higher hcg levels than those above. And that means these numbers don't automatically mean a "take home" baby.

So, do I risk having hope? I want to be hopeful that this pregnancy is going well and will stick around. I want to be hopeful that I'll see a heartbeat in 16 days. I want to be hopeful that maybe, just  maybe I'll get a happy ending.

Don't know what the answer is, but I'm going to stick with an affirmation a woman in my loss group shared: Today I'm pregnant and I love my baby.

FRO

It is terrible, but I always have a mental "FRO" list. FRO, you ask? "F*ck Right Off". It's the list for things or people or processes that really just need to f*ck right off. Take, for example, CVS/Caremark, which STILL has not processed the prior authorization sent in on Tuesday. CVS/Caremark can f*ck right off. Sideways. 

You know what? Add to the FRO: repeat pregnancy loss. 

I am pregnant. Today, I am pregnant. Two lines and my hcg level say so.

I had to tell the genetic counselor I met yesterday to discuss BRCA1 testing for me. She wanted me in for a mammogram, and I told her I was pretty sure I was about 2 seconds pregnant. She told me congratulations. I felt so sad hearing that, because I couldn't accept it. I told her to wait for a few months before the congrats, because after three miscarriages, no one should celebrate this until we're confident it will last. 

Fuck miscarriage. Fuck it for taking away my chance to be happy early in this pregnancy. Fuck it for making a BFP a sad event, not a happy one. Fuck it for making me question my eggs, which means I won't be enjoying anything until after the NIPT is done and I know the baby is healthy. Fuck it.

Fuck it for making me wonder if the beta value the nurse told me (249.9) really belongs to someone else, because it seems too good to be true, and the super sweet lab tech mentioned that there were several other positives today.  249 is such a great number for how far along I am, I just can't believe it's mine, especially when the line on the FRER this morning is so damn faint.  

Fuck it, because when I saw another CCRM patient come in today, bringing food and a present for the doctor and nurses, and hugging them and crying because she was one of the other newly pregnant patients, all I could think was "She doesn't know she shouldn't be so happy yet. She doesn't know how risky hope and excitement are. I hope she never finds out."

No one should ever, ever have to feel like this about a wanted BFP. I am so happy for women like the lady at my office who don't feel this way. I wish I could emulate them.