FRO

It is terrible, but I always have a mental "FRO" list. FRO, you ask? "F*ck Right Off". It's the list for things or people or processes that really just need to f*ck right off. Take, for example, CVS/Caremark, which STILL has not processed the prior authorization sent in on Tuesday. CVS/Caremark can f*ck right off. Sideways. 

You know what? Add to the FRO: repeat pregnancy loss. 

I am pregnant. Today, I am pregnant. Two lines and my hcg level say so.

I had to tell the genetic counselor I met yesterday to discuss BRCA1 testing for me. She wanted me in for a mammogram, and I told her I was pretty sure I was about 2 seconds pregnant. She told me congratulations. I felt so sad hearing that, because I couldn't accept it. I told her to wait for a few months before the congrats, because after three miscarriages, no one should celebrate this until we're confident it will last. 

Fuck miscarriage. Fuck it for taking away my chance to be happy early in this pregnancy. Fuck it for making a BFP a sad event, not a happy one. Fuck it for making me question my eggs, which means I won't be enjoying anything until after the NIPT is done and I know the baby is healthy. Fuck it.

Fuck it for making me wonder if the beta value the nurse told me (249.9) really belongs to someone else, because it seems too good to be true, and the super sweet lab tech mentioned that there were several other positives today.  249 is such a great number for how far along I am, I just can't believe it's mine, especially when the line on the FRER this morning is so damn faint.  

Fuck it, because when I saw another CCRM patient come in today, bringing food and a present for the doctor and nurses, and hugging them and crying because she was one of the other newly pregnant patients, all I could think was "She doesn't know she shouldn't be so happy yet. She doesn't know how risky hope and excitement are. I hope she never finds out."

No one should ever, ever have to feel like this about a wanted BFP. I am so happy for women like the lady at my office who don't feel this way. I wish I could emulate them.