Vanity (un)Fair

I like to pretend that I'm not a terribly vain person. I care about my body's physical ability, and I engage in enough personal grooming to fit within corporate america, but I don't think of myself as fixated on my appearance. While I dress appropriately for work, I wear socks with sandals on the weekend, for god's sake! How vain could I be? And if my hair isn't perfect, and I'm wearing clothes that are out of style by a few years, I've always been belligerently ok with that, because I'm still clean and presentable, and I don't care what anyone thinks beyond that.

But, seriously, the TWW-acne is killing me. On Friday, I stopped counting at 3 dozen whiteheads, just on my neck, chest and shoulders. Three dozen. They keep popping up, more and more. This happened last month, as soon as I started the crinone, and again this month with the prometrium. I don't think progesterone is supposed to cause acne, but this isn't without precedent for me. I was on Depo-Provera for many years when I was younger. From college through grad school, and then into my first several years of working. Depo is progesterone based birth control. For all the years I was on it, about once a quarter I'd get acne just like this. Dozens of little whiteheads. The last time this happened to me was while on Depo, and it never happened again during my 6 years with Mirena or my year on Nuvaring.

I am so uncomfortable and self-conscious. It's summer, and the hottest one we've had. The one part of my body I like are my arms/shoulders. The bike riding I do has made me feel good about them, and I have a ton of sleeveless summer clothes that I love. Thanks to the revenge of the progesterone, I hate wearing them. I hate the thought of anyone seeing how bad my skin is. My belligerent uncaring is gone by the wayside and I feel ashamed. It'll all be worth it for a lasting pregnancy, but it sure isn't easy now. As always, nothing about recurrent miscarriage or infertility is fair.