9 weeks

We've made it through another milestone: 2nd ultrasound! It was pretty awesome. The kiddo has grown quite a bit, and actually wiggled at us. Seeing the heartbeat never fails to amaze me. We have a long way to go, and the farthest ahead I can think is the next milestone, but for today I am pregnant and love the little wiggler!

how far along? 9 weeks

how are you measuring? Depends on who is counting. Based on LMP, I was spot on during Wednesday's ultrasound - 8w6d. Based on ovulation, I'm one day ahead. Since I triggered and know when I ovulated, I'm confident in this, but it seems the doctors will keep the LMP date.
size of baby? table grape

heartbeat?  171 at 8 weeks 6 days! So happy about this.
total weight gain/loss? Somewhere between 1 and 2 lbs. 
maternity clothes? Nope, but I am consistently wearing my "fat" pants for comfort.
stretch marks? Nothing new.
sleep?  Nausea's been getting worse so I've been going to bed earlier with unisom/b6. 
movement? Nope.
food cravings? Nothing. Citrus and fruit flavors reduce the nausea bit. DH got me red starburst and they're awesome. I definitely have fewer aversions this time, and on good days I'm able to eat healthier this pregnancy than last.
gender predictions? Boy. Completely sure this is a boy. After getting a UTI at ovulation, I had to take Azoo, which makes you pee orange. Thus I'm referring to the baby as Clem (short for Clementine), for now, and have been pitching that as baby's name. Drives DH nuts! :)
what i miss? Not feeling constantly awful. At least my toilets are clean, because I've been spending more quality time up close and personal with them.
what i'm looking forward to? Waiting for the genetic counselor to call me about NIPT testing. Hopefully we can do that appointment the day I get back from my trip. IT'll be two weeks for results - and that's the next milestone I an terrified of. I want to get that over with. Why is the unknown so hard?  Also looking forward to weaning from progesterone and estrogen. Oh, to be done with smurf crotch would be a wondrous thing!
how are you feeling? Bad in the mornings, ghastly at night. It feels like nothing I eat moves during the day, so my stomach is so bloated and distended by evening, and I want to puke constantly. I started Reglan today, which should help. 
comparisons to last pregnancy? As bad as the nausea is, it must be better than last time, because last time I couldn't bear to be at a computer if I didn't have to, and this time, here I am. No weight loss this time. My thyroid function is still normal this time (1.4) as opposed to hyperthyroid last time (.2). Only had to use my puke bucket in the car once so far, as opposed to every day. 

8 weeks

Depending on how Wednesday's appointment goes, this may be my last one of these, but I figure it won't hurt to type, even if it is. 

how far along? 8 weeks
how are you measuring? I was spot on during the ultrasound 4/10. We'll see what's going on this coming Wednesday. 
size of baby? kidney bean
heartbeat?  116 at 6 weeks 3 days - praying we still see one and it's on target at 8 weeks 5 days
total weight gain/loss? 1 lbs, although I think it's bloat
maternity clothes? Not yet. I'm hoping I'll get to wear them again, but not ready to plan for it.
stretch marks? I've got some on my boobs from last time. I went up a cup size with the girls, and that seems to be sticking around.
sleep?  Thanks to the nausea, I'm taking B6 and half a unisom at night. That's getting me more sleep than normal. Also, this really weird thing happens to me in pregnancy where I pee LESS during the night than my normal every-2-hours. I've been told I have a titled uterus. Maybe pregnancy keeps it from pressing on my bladder?
movement? Nope.
food cravings? Nothing. Citrus and fruit flavors reduce the nausea bit. DH got me red starburst and they're awesome.
gender predictions? Boy. Completely sure this is a boy.
what i miss? Not feeling constantly awful. Seeing a correlation between dietary fiber and regularity.
what i'm looking forward to? On the baby front, I got really nervous about having my OB appointment before my next u/s with the RE, so I moved the u/s. It's Wednesday now. I'm terrified, but wll feel better once I know the outcome. If there isn't a heartbeat any longer, I can discuss management options with my OB later that day at my OB appt. On the non-baby front, only about two weeks left until I get to visit friends and family back in CA. 
how are you feeling? Unless I'm really hungry, I feel pretty awful. The retching still isn't as bad as last time, and I've only had to run for the toilet twice so far, but any time I eat, no matter what or how little, the gas and the nausea are awful. Friday morning I promised myself I wouldn't have to move at all this weekend, and I may keep that promise. Acne seems to be tapering off, but all of a sudden I've got tons of canker sores. Bleh. 
comparisons to last pregnancy? No weight loss this time, although that may be coming as I reach the point where I start avoiding meals rather than feeling awful. No need to have a bucket in my lap for my evening commute. Food aversions and super nose just started this week, which is late compared to last time. More bloated.

7 weeks

I've never done this before, because the first time it seemed too optimistic (it was) and with the twins I was too sick to sit at a computer. It's still too optimistic, but what the heck, let's try this time.

how far along? 7 weeks
how are you measuring? I was spot on during the ultrasound on Tuesday.
size of baby? size of a blueberry
heartbeat?  116 at 6 weeks 3 days
total weight gain/loss? 0 lbs
maternity clothes? Not yet. I'm hoping I'll get to wear them again, but not ready to plan for it.
stretch marks? I've got some on my boobs from last time. I went up a cup size with the girls, and that seems to be sticking around.
sleep?  Thanks to the nausea, I'm taking B6 and half a unisom at night. That's getting me more sleep than normal. Also, this really weird thing happens to me in pregnancy where I pee LESS during the night than my normal every-2-hours. I've been told I have a titled uterus. Maybe pregnancy keeps it from pressing on my bladder?
movement? Nope.
food cravings? Nothing. Citrus and fruit flavors reduce the nausea bit.
gender predictions? Boy. I am so sure this is a boy.
what i miss? Not feeling nauseous. Being hopeful that things might work out. I'm not sure why getting pregnant makes me less hopeful, but it does.
what i'm looking forward to? On the baby front, I'm just waiting for the next ultrasound on the 27th. I'll be 8 weeks, 6 days. The last two mornings there's been zero bloat when I woke up. That never happened with the girls, but did happen with my MMC. I am so scared there won't be a heartbeat any more. On the non-baby front, I will be visiting friends and family in my home state in early May, and I'm really looking forward to that.
how are you feeling? Nauseous. Not as bad as last time, and I have moments of feeling normal, but I also have moments of feeling awful. Also I've got all the burps in the world, and nothing short of Draino will get my digestive system moving.
comparisons to last pregnancy? Most of the symptoms are more mild - except maybe the slow digestive system. I've also got a ton of acne this time, which once again makes me think boy instead of girl.

116

116.

116 beats per minute. That's the little heart beat we saw this afternoon. Despite infections, inflammation, and sub optimal follicles, this little one is certainly trying.

So the nausea of the past few weeks isn't entirely psychosomatic, because we have a heartbeat. Baby is measuring 6 weeks 3 days, which is spot on compared to ovulation. I'll spare you the grainy ultrasound photos, but you can imagine a blob. It's a blob I am already in love with.

I see my OB for the first time in two weeks, and then have another ultrasound with my RE the day after. I am cautiously hopeful, but I won't say optimistic. I don't think there's going to be optimism in this pregnancy, not after how the last one turned out. There is love - I love all 5.5 mm of this little one. I'm still talking to him daily (no idea the gender, but I'm 99.999% sure in my soul it's a boy this time, so I'll go with male pronouns until I find out otherwise). I've been asking his sisters and grandparents to watch over him and keep him healthy. I've been asking him to grow strong and healthy. We'll see what the coming weeks bring.

Should be Easier

There are a lot of things in life that shouldn’t be as hard as they are. Understanding tax laws. Picking paint colors. Dealing with CVS Caremark. Finding time to be healthy. All of those could and should be easier, but aren’t. Adding another one to the list: finding a support group for recurrent miscarriage or perinatal loss. Or a pregnant again after loss group. Despite the fact that I’m an introvert and generally don’t like groups, I’ve really felt the need for some contact, in person, with others who have been through this. It’s an especially strong feeling right now, as I’m early in another pregnancy and trying to deal with fear of likely outcomes and anxiety about the unknown.

Things reached a point this week that I decided to reach out to my company’s EAP program. We actually have two on-site EAP therapists/counselors. They’re both licensed psychologists who see employees to address a variety of issues. They were able to get me in for an appointment the day I called, and it was helpful to talk one on one with someone. The therapist I spoke with said she’d look for a support group that might fit my needs, and she called me back after the appointment with a recommendation on a local one. It sounded perfect: great location for me and on weekends when I’d be able to go without worrying about my work schedule.

I checked the provider’s website, and it looked like the session was just for those post-loss, not yet pregnant, so I called to confirm what my options were, and what the cost might be. What did I discover? There are no longer any in-person support groups. Due to low demand, they’ve all been canceled. When I tried to join a support group last year, right after losing the girls, the one closest to me held its last in-person meeting the week before I could attend, then switched to on-line only.

For now, I can see one of the therapists from this group one on one, but that’s my only option. I may still do that, because there are several who specialize in recurrent miscarriage, late term loss, and infertility, and if this pregnancy continues, I may need that support. But I can also continue to see the great EAP therapist, who works one floor up from me and for whom appointments are both free and super convenient. I am grateful that at least THAT is easy, but man, I wish a support group was easier to find, too.

Nueroticism, Thy Name is Symptom Spotting

I've gone a bit neurotic. There, I said it. Admitting is half the battle, no?

What am I neurotic about? Symptoms, of course. Now, let's set the stage here: this is my fifth pregnancy and I have zero living children. The odds of this pregnancy not being successful are probably higher than the odds of bringing home a healthy baby. So I think it's accurate to say I come by my neuroticism fairly. It still makes me laugh at myself and question my sanity, though!

Case in point - nausea this week. I've had off and on nausea most days this week. At times when I was feeling nauseous, my mind kept thinking, "It's too early. I shouldn't be nauseous at only 4 weeks x days. I didn't have symptoms until 5-something last time and I didn't get nauseous until 6.4 or so. It's all in my mind or something is wrong!"  At times when I'm not feeling nauseous, I find myself thinking, "Why don't I feel any symptoms? Why am I not burping? Why am I not sick? The baby must have stopped growing. Something is wrong, it's going to be another MMC!"

None of this is helpful in the slightest. At 5 weeks 1 day, symptoms come and go and mean nothing. I know that. I know it's ludicrous to worry about both having and not having the same symptoms. I own my neuroticism.

Still, why aren't I feeling nauseous or gassy right now, I just ate breakfast?!? ;)