Past and Future

Today marks two weeks until surgery. Only a few days until my next biopsy. If all goes well, it's less than 30 days until I'm cycling again. I am suspicious that getting pregnant again is going to be somewhere between 'a lot more difficult' and 'impossible'. Why? Because even though I took estrogen this cycle, my period was 2 days of what could barely be classified as more than spotting. I'm worried my lining is totally and irrecoverably shot.

I am oddly zen about it all. Yes, the surgery is unnecessary if my lining 'can't get it up' as it were. But since we won't know about my lining until we cycle, and I absolutely will not cycle without the surgery, well, it all falls into the category of 'it will be what it will be.'

Tuesday was three months since we lost Quinn. The twins' first birthday is coming up. I don't feel right calling it a birthday, but there isn't another term I like better. Others just feel too cutesy (angelversary) or too harsh (stillbirthday). Let's just say that it's almost a year since we met and lost them. In some ways, it seems like it was yesterday. In other ways I can tell that I'm doing better than I was, even a month ago. I am having fewer bad days. The seasonal triggers produce moments or hours of memories and pain, not days. While medical stuff is on my mind a lot, when I think about my babies it's with love and longing, not the overwhelming grief I've felt recently. The only thing that makes me not zen is remembering that Quinn should have been born, at term, a month from now. Remembering that breaks my heart in a completely un-zen-like fashion.

At this moment, with the future still unknown, I'm ready to move forward even if moving forward doesn't bring us another pregnancy. I think that's the zen talking. I hope I can hang on to this zen in the coming months.