Last Tuesday, after the BFN, I started desperately wishing that CD1 would arrive ASAP, so we could cycle again.
Last Wednesday, when the nurse told me I had to do a regroup before I could cycle, I desperately wished CD1 would hold off until the regroup that Friday.
In November, I wished that my cycle would be a normal length - that I wouldn't ovulate super early and that my luteal phase would be normal. That would have let me cycle in November.
When they told me on CD2 that my hcg of 1.1 meant I'd have to wait for my next cycle to do treatments, I wished for a short cycle this month, so I don't have to wait as long.
In November, I wished (and prayed and hoped) that I'd have a decent period - 3 or 4 days, indicating that my lining was growing on its own.
Now, I'm on CD7 and still bleeding after this chemical and I'm wishing that it stops because it might mean something else is wrong.
Basically, I find my self desperately wishing for diametrically opposite things on a routine basis. This can't be normal, can it? Maybe it's an indicator that I just need to chill out and understand that I don't control much (any?) of this, so wishing does nothing but add stress. (Hmmm. . . that sounds like the intro to "just relax and it will happen." Ick!) The best I can do is focus on my version of the serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the strength to change the things I can, and grace, good friends, a loving spouse and plenty of decent wine as I figure out which is which!
Deep breaths! Yes, I remember the wishing. And I remember feeling frustrated knowing that the wishing doesn't help. And in some ways, it is self-imposed torture. But it seems very hard to stop, doesn't it?
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