Here I sit at CD19, and it appears I've finally got a positive OPK. I'll assume ovulation in 24-48 hours. It amazes me how differently my body can behave at different times. If I look at the cycles I've tracked when I didn't get pregnant, the longest my cycle has ever been was 28 days. That's the entire cycle. The shortest was 20. Now it seems probable I won't even ovulate until 20 or 21.
What would I give to understand what's happening in there? A lot, that's what I'd give! Why are things so different from one cycle to another? Does this bode well (or not) for a treatment cycle next month? It seems rather unfair that this body, that I have to take care of, won't give me any insights into what its doing! Alas, we seem to be stuck with each other, so I'll keep taking care of it, and asking it to play nice in return. . . I suspect it will keep ignoring me!
On reflection, I guess this is what my life has brought me to: the point where my body is a thing that is separate from me, that frustrates me, and that I try to cajole/bribe/force to work the way I want it to. I might need to rethink my approach on this!
My cycles still don’t make sense, which is frustrating given how unaware most people are of any fluctuation outside of what is considered normal. It is maddening because one of the things that comes from years of tracking is a wish for some predictability or some insight into why things would be off.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you. May this cycle be more predictable after ovulation.
That sounds so frustrating. I totally get that feeling of your body being separate, frustrating, and possibly not on the same team. I felt that way all the time (still do with some things, like unpleasant PCOS side effects that have me tweezing and waxing and feeling super chubby), and it sucks. I hope this cycle goes well!
ReplyDeleteForgiving my body, knowing that most of what it was doing was good, was really important to me when coming to terms with infertility and the aftermath. We're so lucky if our bodies have always done what we want - it makes infertility new and difficult to deal with!
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