Years ago, my mom used to brew large containers of green tea, and then pour the tea into old, disposable water bottles (think Crystal Geyser). One summer during college, DH, who at that time was just my college friend, came to visit me at my parents' house. Mom had just made a batch of tea, so a dozen tea-filled bottles were lined up in the fridge. DH opened the fridge, stared for a moment, and asked in a distinctly suspicious tone: "What is that, pond water?" Mom overheard it and has never let him live it down. Twenty years later, 'pond water' is a family joke.
Acupuncturist #2 gave me a tea to drink twice a day. Pond water would be the most apt description, although I suspect that pond water would taste better. I believe in the value of complimentary therapies like TCM and diet. That's why I'm spending time and money on acupuncture. However I know the research evidence on TCM is incredibly mixed. I know REs who say, probably correctly, that if you told patients that running naked down the street would improve their chances by 5%, the street would be filled with naked running women. With each sip of 'pond water,' I wonder if I'm frolicking about without my knickers.
I'm still waiting out CD1 for the cycle I'll have to skip due to business travel. I'm in a really interesting and totally unexpected place, mentally: I'm ok with being done. For a while, I was researching donor eggs on the hope that if my lining would be good enough, maybe donor eggs would give us a chance. Then I realized that I'm just tired. I'm tired of losses, of treatments, of spending money just to be heartbroken, of always worrying about what CD it is. I'm tired of not being able to make plans (or having to cancel plans that I've made). A pregnancy will mean XX weeks of fear. I'm tired of fear. I'm tired of the roller coaster. I am ready to step off and be done. I'm completely sure I won't feel this same way right after another loss, but it's a feeling I haven't otherwise experienced in almost three years, which tells me that it'll probably come back again if I'm patient.
DH and I agreed we'd try two or three more cycles. Depending on what happens during them, after that point, we'll probably call it. In the meantime, I'll doff my knickers and frolic in the streets with my pond water, my TCM-approved diet (no sugar, nothing processed, warm foods, etc.), and my fertility yoga moves. I'll do everything I can to make sure that if we do reach 'done', I won't have (m)any 'what if I'd just tried ______' regrets.
How many women dealing with infertility does it take to change a light bulb?
ReplyDeleteChanging a lightbulb, would that help?
I hated every second of Accupuncture. But yeah I did it because I didn't want to wonder. I so hope this is it for you.
LOVE the lightbulb joke! That was exactly what I needed at the end of this long day.
DeleteYeah, I remember the tea. And the herbs. I believe the acupuncture helped, but the TCM I’m still questioning.
ReplyDeleteAs far as being done: I hear you. I have a few recommendations:
Jess: http://mypathtomommyhood.blogspot.com
BnB: https://bentnotbrokenblog.blogspot.com
Loribeth: http://theroadlesstravelledlb.blogspot.com/
Mali: http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.com/
Sarah: https://infertilityhonesty.com/
Pamela: https://blog.silentsorority.com/
The last lines of your first two paragraphs made me smile.
ReplyDeleteThe rest of your post did too, simply because I recognise the feeling. I remember, between my two IVF cycles, being in the car, and thinking about something in the future. When I realised that I might not be pregnant by then, but would most likely have stopped all treatments, I felt this overwhelming feeling of relief. The idea that I could actually plan again, could be free to do things I wanted, free of the fear and the pain, was wonderful. Of course, it didn't last, as you've recognised. But remembering that feeling helped me through the dark days that did come when I realised it was all over, because it made me feel that I would be okay.
Sending love and best wishes.
Oh, I feel you and that "running about with my knickers off" feeling -- there are SO MANY things to try, and I will admit I did my fair share of bizarre ones, so tea sounds pretty good! The weirdest was vaginal steaming, where you cook up this pot of really pretty herbs, then crouch over the steaming pot you place on a trivet on the floor, wrap a blanket around to channel the steam to your nethers, and pray that you don't burn the bejeezus out of your inner thighs in the name of "softening" the cervix for transfer and I don't know, filling the future home with potpourri? I love your post, because it takes wisdom to reach a point where you're like, "this is what I'm willing to do, this is what I decide is enough. I will feel I've tried all I can at this point, and if that is enough, for my wellbeing, it's enough." It is so hard to come to that headspace, and to come to it with a few more options left where you are free of the paralyzing fear of what might come after if things don't pan out...that is beautiful, if it's not weird to say so. I wish you all the best and hope for the best possible outcome, but I also celebrate that you are in a place of accepting alternative outcomes, and the freedom/relief that comes with that, too.
ReplyDelete