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Years ago, I TA'd for a Development Psych course. We taught about Piaget and his theories of child development. He discusses that children's speech often begins with the 'monologue' or the 'collective monologue'. That is, if you listen to the speech of young children, even when those children appear to be talking to other kids, they're really not responding to each other. Each one is talking to himself/herself about the topics of interest to them. The concept is that the child is self-focused to a degree that prevents them from actually interacting with others. It's an ego-centric world view.
I have always had a vibrant inner monologue running. I use it to plan my work, prepare for interactions with other people, build empathy, and be my own cheerleader. I try very hard to use my inner monologue, ego-centric though it may be, to think about others' perspectives and needs. It's been useful for me as I develop plans and strategies.
Lately, I've realized that my inner monologue has lost its utility and become focused on loss and infertility. The words '7 pregnancies, 8 babies, no living children' just keep swirling around. I'm concerned that this is becoming how I define myself. While it's an instrumental part of who I am, it isn't all of me. I need to get other parts of my identity back. I need to make my inner monologue more inclusive.
I'm not really certain how to do that, but I'm approaching it the way I would meditation. Any time I notice those words swirling past, I stop and acknowledge them, and then redirect. We'll see how that works, but for now at least I'm aware that I have work to do. My words may be failing me at the moment, but my awareness of them isn't, so that's a start.
Lady, your inner monologue is far from dysfunctional. After all the losses and trauma associated with each, I believe it’s a way to cope with all you’ve survived. And hence I believe the way you are handling it is eqaully health. You’re acknowledging all you’ve been through.
ReplyDeleteWrapping you in love. Seeing you for who you are.
"Lately, I've realized that my inner monologue has lost its utility and become focused on loss and infertility." I get this struggle of how you define yourself, of stepping back and realizing that this piece of yourself has become a consuming force. I love the visual of you stopping, acknowledging, and redirecting the thoughts that make you feel like a walking mass of loss. Your words totally aren't failing you -- I think you're doing a great job working through all that you've been through and all that you are in addition to that. Sending you love, so much love as you occupy this tough space.
ReplyDeleteIt really is a start. In fact, it's wonderful. I called it "reprogramming my brain" and I used it to stop thinking about the what-ifs, and to focus on what my life is now. It works.
ReplyDeleteAnd I also admire your decision to change your inner monologue to be kinder to yourself. You certainly deserve that self-compassion, the same self-compassion you would give anyone you heard talking negatively about themself. And that self-compassion will, I am certain, repay you.
I'm in Minnesota too! I love this post and I relate to it so much. I had (and still have) horrible negative self talk about fertility stuff. So I think you have a good plan in place to try to combat that. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI can so relate. No easy answers for you, but I think your strategy of noticing and redirecting is a great one.
ReplyDelete