What's Good vs. What Feels Good

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I've dedicated much of the last several years to doing things that are supposed to be good for me, from a fertility perspective. I've changed my diet to something that can be described as: if it tastes good, I don't eat it. I've taken enough supplements to sink the Titanic. I've done acupuncture. I've changed my exercise habits to focus on gentle, blood-flow-stimulating options and drop the high-intensity, endurance approach I once enjoyed. I've been through so many surgeries that I've actually lost count. I've filled two sharps containers with used needles from the injections, and suffered through months of vag pills and more ultrasounds than I can count. Some of these things were more pleasant than others, but most were decidedly un-fun. Not one of them is something I would continue doing if I didn't think there was a chance it would help me bring home a healthy baby.

Now it's summer. In the summer of 2015, before TTC, I started doing distance cycling. I'm talking about the kind of cycling one does on a bicycle, not the kind of cycling that one does at a fertility clinic. We have beautiful, tree-lined bike trails, along amazingly scenic lakes. I took advantage of them. I put about 2,000 miles on my bike that summer, culminating with my first bike century in September 2015. On the drive home from that century, DH and I agreed to start trying for kids. In 2016, my riding was interrupted by the first hysteroscopy, then by fertility treatments, then by morning sickness. I got a handful of rides in, including an event with a co-worker in June '16, but not many. In 2017, I rode precisely twice. The first time I tried to go out, I puked on my bike shorts, changed into another pair, and tried again. The second time, between 15 and 16 weeks, I commented to Adam that riding while pregnant made me feel like my cervix was going to fall out. Sadly, that was foreshadowing.

This year, following the advice of acupuncturists, Mayan abdominal massage therapists, and fertility yogis, I've limited my exercise to gentle walking. My gorgeous, sexy road bike has sat in the garage, staring at me each time I drive in. (Yes, a road bike can be sexy. Mine totally is. Why are you looking at me like that?) Two weeks ago, I decided that this was one area where I was finished with the 'what's good' approach. I was going back to the 'feels good' approach. I got a 15 miler in that weekend. Then a 23 miler the next. My attempt at a 30 mile ride on the 4th was stymied by torrential rain, but the weather conditions forced me to prove that yes, I can still sustain 16 miles an hour for 90 minutes!  Yesterday I got the 30 miler in. I'm hoping for 40 this weekend. I'm having a tougher time with nutrition, probably as a result of the lower carb diet I've been on. Even so . . .it feels so good! Being out, sun on my shoulders, breeze keeping me cool, actually seeing my body do something positive: it's fantastic!

The conclusion I've reached is that sometimes, what's good is what feels good. Sure, a 3-hour ride might sap my 'life energy' like my acupuncturist warned me. It might worsen the position of my uterus and negatively impact blood-flow like the Mayan massage therapist claims. But after 3 weekends of riding, I have more energy and more joy today than I've had in months. I feel more like the person I was before all this heartbreak. I think my life energy is *growing* with my saddle time. Even if it isn't, I'm willing to make that trade-off at this moment. Here's to finding balance and seizing energy where it exists for you!