30w3 Days: Grateful but Struggling

Still pregnant at 30 weeks and 3 days! Just four days left to hit our 31 week milestone, and I’m even home again. To say I’m grateful is a massive understatement.

I’m also struggling. I feel like a bomb whose fuse has been lit, but can’t be seen, so there’s no way of knowing when the explosion will happen. Each contraction I get during the day makes me think: is this the start? Will I have to go in again? Each time I wake up at night and everything hurts, I wonder if it will turn into the same contraction pain I had a few weeks ago. I’m just bloody scared.

At the same time, I’m 30 weeks! I’d have given anything to be 30 weeks and scared in my past pregnancies. It’s an easier scared than 19 weeks and pPROM’d. Maybe it’s fair to say this is scared and that was terrified.

I’m not keeping up well. I’m trying to work when not in the hospital (actually I worked a ton while I was in this time, taking conference calls at all hours to try to wrap things up). It’s good due to the distraction, but it’s hard because I never know which action items I take on that I’ll get to complete and which will be dumped on someone else if/when I am out again. I’m not keeping up with friends and family as well as I’d like, because everything just seems harder right now. I guess that’s what fear does to you. Well, fear and a 30 week twin pregnancy with regular contractions!

Thank you to everyone for keeping us in your thoughts. That really helps with the scared and it’s so, so appreciated, even if I’m not doing a good job of saying so, or staying up to date here. It’s so comforting to know these babies have people all over rooting for them, along with their big sisters and great-grandparents. That gives me hope.