Wow. A year has gone by.
Thinking back, I can't say that raising twins is the hardest thing I've ever done, because losing twins was harder. I can say that it's the most rewarding, in an ongoing sense. Getting my PhD, that was rewarding, and in a 'change my life' sort of way. But it wasn't as joyous as raising twins. The babies, well, they bring so much joy. I am in awe of them every single day. Their growth, their curiosity, their personalities - what can I say, I'm hooked! I am so grateful for this outcome every single day, even the days with the 1:00 am wake-ups and the inconsolable crying.
Physically the last year has been tough. The c-section itself was NBD, but the digestive system complications were beyond-adjectives horrible. Weeks of agony. The bleeding didn't stop until 7 months out. My decision to try to pump for twins was also challenging. I didn't get more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep until 7 months out when I dropped the 1 am pump. Mid February was the first time I got 8 consecutive hours of sleep. Bending, lifting, holding, wrangling twins, and twins in bucket seats, all of those things are physically challenging. My neck and back don't love me too much!
Emotionally the year has been a roller coaster, although mostly on an uphill journey. The NICU stay, the pain, the grief over never having a normal pregnancy and delivery, those were hard. I had DMER, so every single letdown was preceded by overwhelming feelings of thirst, followed by soul-crushing sadness, followed by a return to normal. Realizing first hand what we missed out on with Alexis, Zoe, and Quinn. All that made for some serious 'down'. But the up? The ups have been the best. Rocking a baby to sleep. Seeing huge grins on both babies when I walk in the room. Getting hugs. Hearing my first 'mama!' Watching DH and our parents interact with T and A. Seeing personalities develop. Every one of those things have been absolute highs that really helped ease all the lows of past and present.
Am I a different person today than I was a year ago? Undoubtedly. Am I happy about that? Unreservedly.
What a lovely update! I'm sorry the physical part has been tough, that sounds really hard. But how wonderful to have all these milestones and moments and unreserved happiness.
ReplyDelete