A Little Adjustment

 I haven't been in this space in a long time. It hasn't been because I didn't want to be. Or because I didn't need to be. Honestly, it's because I've been drowning. 

Last June/July our amazing nanny started having health issues. She was out for days, then weeks, then months. Without warning. Temporary replacements were either impossible to come by, or terrible. The husband and I juggled kids and work, and I did all of the legwork trying to find temps. Meanwhile, I was trying to do my full time job, while my company was laying off what turned out to be more than 10,000 people. 

Child care changes coincided with some negative behaviors in A. Then preschool started 3 days a week and those behaviors amplified. Drastically. To the extent that we were seeing a child pscyhologist by October, an occupational therapist by December, and he was on an IEP at the ripe old age of 3 by year end. He's an amazing, incredible, awesome kid. But his behavior challenges definitely don't bring out the best in me, and I continue to struggle with that. There are definitely days when I have to restrain my own behavior and remind myself that I have more control over myself than my toddler.

We said goodbye to our long term nanny in November, tried to hire a new long term nanny, and that was a catastrophic failure that should only be described over alcoholic beverages or icecream sundaes.

The shining light was E, who continues to develop far beyond her age. By year end 2022, it was clear that A was going to need 5 day a week preschool in 2023-2024 if he was to stand a chance of success in kindergarden. It was also clear that E would benefit from preschool if we could find one that would take her at 2. So we decided to find an au pair instead of a nanny. We matched. She arrived. On day 4 she informed us she'd lied about all of her experience and she left, stealing our towels, picture frames, and toiletries on her way out. We were once again sans childcare. 

A series of temp nannies ensued while we waited for a new au pair to arrive. While we had two absolute gems, we had others who produced booze/ice-cream worthy stories. In the midst of handling much of this childcare ourselves due to unreliability, I was taking A to weekly therapy appointments, trying to hold my work team together as dozens of people we knew, including people I'd hired, were laid off, and managing nearly 100% of household duties, as my spouse's reaction to his own stress level was to completely shut down and not help with anything.

Oh, and then there was the sickness. In early February, the entire family fell to the norovirus at the same time. I have never been as incapacitated as I was during the first 18 hours. I couldn't even stand up for more than 30 seconds. Two days after I was finally eating 3 solid meals again, the first of us got COVID. We all eventually got it, causing the cancellation of T and A's 4th birthday party. COVID transitioned into ear and sinus infections for the kids and me. We had 4 days of being done with antibiotics for that, when the nanny who had been here for two days left early because she wasn't feeling well, and then texted a day later to say she had Influenza A. E became symptomatic for that a day later. T and A both got strep before E was healthy again. Literally, from early February to June 2, there were 7 calendar days when every member of the family was healthy. With the exception of strep, I caught 100% of the things the kids had. 

Our new au pair arrived earlier this month and she's incredible. The kids all start school in September. It seems my job is safe. The husband is acknowledging his own mental health, which I hope will lead to action on it. I'm hoping all of these things will let me get my head above water, because it isn't there right now. I am surviving because my kids need me. I am managing the household because I think if I drop the rope on any of the things I'm doing life will get worse. I am staying engaged and involved and trying not to lose my sh*t with A's behaviors because I think that's the only shot he's got at long term improvement. I am not screaming at my husband to ask him how the hell he can sit by and watch me do everything, from getting up at 4 am to clean the toilets and mop the floors, to staying up till 9pm to complete the dozens of tasks he's been forgetting or ignoring, like cleaning his car and moving the car seat into it so I can help our au pair practice her driving in a car that isn't filthy while Tess and Aaron are at camp. I'm not screaming at him, because I don't think that would help make anything better there, either.  But damn, it's hard. It's all really, really hard right now.

This was the life I wanted. Overall, I'm still incredibly glad it's the life I've got. I don't want to trade it. But a little adjustment would be nice.