Earlier this year, I signed up for a fertility yoga program. I did it mostly because I wanted to build a local network of women going through treatments and other fertility challenges. We've kept in touch since the program ended, and get together every month or two for dinner.
At our last dinner, which was last week, I found myself struggling with survivor's guilt. Two of us were now pregnant, both in the second tri, while the other three remained on the treatment roller coaster. They had fears, but also hopeful treatment plans in the next two months. Everyone wanted to get together again in February, so there have been notes flying to plan the when and where.
Last night, just before bed, a note came in from the other pregnant gal. She'd be 18 weeks by now. Her anatomy scan was supposed to be soon. Her note told us that she was in the hospital, losing the baby. An 18 week loss. Fuck 18 weeks. I am so heartbroken for her. Her news brings back all of the feelings and the memories for me, and I can almost feel what she's going through - albeit I only know what I went through, so the presumption of similarity is purely selfish. I couldn't sleep at all thinking about her, her husband, and their child.
Seriously, universe, why? Why take a loved, wanted, hard-fought baby away at 18 weeks? I know you don't play fair, but why? This is utter bullshit.
There are no words, I'm so sorry your friend is going through this terrible loss.
ReplyDeleteFuck. That is the only word I have for this situation and it can (and should) be applied. My heart breaks to hear that someone else is suffering this type of loss. My heart breaks that you are having to relieve your own losses from the sidelines. It sucks on levels no one who ever experience.
ReplyDeleteSo much love come your way
Yeah, I can only find swear words to describe this. So much for eloquence, but fuck loss. Here's hoping we all eventually reach the other side. It doesn't make the hurt better, but perhaps it distracts in some wonderful ways.
DeleteI had a ton of anxiety around then. Being immersed in the infertility community, I knew too many who lost their babies at 18-20 weeks. I'm so heartbroken for her. I have no words.
ReplyDeleteIt boggles my mind how many losses happen around then - and why doctors don't monitor a bit more closely. Some of these losses could be prevented.
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