Slowly over the last few weeks, the amount of movement I've felt has increased. It's certainly not constant now, but when it occurs, there is no mistaking it.
I love it.
It reassures me that both babies are still alive. It makes me feel closer to them, and I can't wait for the point when DH can feel them, too. It's a good reminder that I'm still pregnant and they're developing and those are wonderful things.
At the same time, it hurts, emotionally.
The one soothing memory, the thing that has kept me going through the last 18 months, has been the memory of Quinn moving in my arms while she was alive. That has always been a beautiful, happy memory for me. Now, feeling stronger movement with these two than I ever felt with her, I'm reminded more of the sadness, that she isn't here, than the happiness, that she was. I never expected to feel like a subsequent pregnancy would be detrimental to my memories, but in some ways, this one is.
I have no idea how to navigate this. It's entirely unexpected. I knew that loss related memories and heartbreak could and would sneak up on me, but I never expected new, positive associations to mar the few happy aspects I clung to. To summarize as eloquently as I'm able to: loss really screws you up, doesn't it!?
I’m so sorry that this new joyous milestone is unlocking so much grief. Thinking of you as you navigate all of this. And sending oceans of love
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