Earlier this year, I signed up for a fertility yoga program. I did it mostly because I wanted to build a local network of women going through treatments and other fertility challenges. We've kept in touch since the program ended, and get together every month or two for dinner.
At our last dinner, which was last week, I found myself struggling with survivor's guilt. Two of us were now pregnant, both in the second tri, while the other three remained on the treatment roller coaster. They had fears, but also hopeful treatment plans in the next two months. Everyone wanted to get together again in February, so there have been notes flying to plan the when and where.
Last night, just before bed, a note came in from the other pregnant gal. She'd be 18 weeks by now. Her anatomy scan was supposed to be soon. Her note told us that she was in the hospital, losing the baby. An 18 week loss. Fuck 18 weeks. I am so heartbroken for her. Her news brings back all of the feelings and the memories for me, and I can almost feel what she's going through - albeit I only know what I went through, so the presumption of similarity is purely selfish. I couldn't sleep at all thinking about her, her husband, and their child.
Seriously, universe, why? Why take a loved, wanted, hard-fought baby away at 18 weeks? I know you don't play fair, but why? This is utter bullshit.
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Monday, December 17, 2018
Microblog Monday: Unexpected Loss
Slowly over the last few weeks, the amount of movement I've felt has increased. It's certainly not constant now, but when it occurs, there is no mistaking it.
I love it.
It reassures me that both babies are still alive. It makes me feel closer to them, and I can't wait for the point when DH can feel them, too. It's a good reminder that I'm still pregnant and they're developing and those are wonderful things.
At the same time, it hurts, emotionally.
The one soothing memory, the thing that has kept me going through the last 18 months, has been the memory of Quinn moving in my arms while she was alive. That has always been a beautiful, happy memory for me. Now, feeling stronger movement with these two than I ever felt with her, I'm reminded more of the sadness, that she isn't here, than the happiness, that she was. I never expected to feel like a subsequent pregnancy would be detrimental to my memories, but in some ways, this one is.
I have no idea how to navigate this. It's entirely unexpected. I knew that loss related memories and heartbreak could and would sneak up on me, but I never expected new, positive associations to mar the few happy aspects I clung to. To summarize as eloquently as I'm able to: loss really screws you up, doesn't it!?
I love it.
It reassures me that both babies are still alive. It makes me feel closer to them, and I can't wait for the point when DH can feel them, too. It's a good reminder that I'm still pregnant and they're developing and those are wonderful things.
At the same time, it hurts, emotionally.
The one soothing memory, the thing that has kept me going through the last 18 months, has been the memory of Quinn moving in my arms while she was alive. That has always been a beautiful, happy memory for me. Now, feeling stronger movement with these two than I ever felt with her, I'm reminded more of the sadness, that she isn't here, than the happiness, that she was. I never expected to feel like a subsequent pregnancy would be detrimental to my memories, but in some ways, this one is.
I have no idea how to navigate this. It's entirely unexpected. I knew that loss related memories and heartbreak could and would sneak up on me, but I never expected new, positive associations to mar the few happy aspects I clung to. To summarize as eloquently as I'm able to: loss really screws you up, doesn't it!?
Tuesday, December 4, 2018
20 weeks - How Bananas!
How far? 20 weeks
Measuring? Baby girl is a few days ahead, baby boy is a few days behind. Overall, reassuringly normal right now!
Size? Bananas! My huge friend (aka, the stuffed gorilla), who first shared news of this pregnancy with my husband, clearly approves of week 20! For those who are curious, his picture is below. Yes, I am crazy. Blame my best friend and our gag gift war for this one!
Heartbeat? They were 144 and 141 last Thursday.
Total weight gain/loss: Up 16 to 134. I know Dr. Haney encouraged me to eat whatever/whenever I wanted, but two pounds a week is worrying me. The babies are estimated at just over a pound total, so I know it's not all them!
Maternity: Very much so. Just made one of my last purchases, of a bunch of loose dresses. Hopefully that will last me through.
Stretch marks: Nothing new yet.
Sleep: Eh. No real changes. Still with the constantly weird dreams.
Movements? Feeling a bit more, but it's still very sporadic compared to Quinn. I felt my first kick or punch from the outside yesterday, which was fun.
Cravings? No. Still feeling really 'blech' when it comes to food.
Gender: One boy, one girl.
Miss? I still miss feeling good. I miss my old body and its ability to exercise hard. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my baby bump, but I wish I was one of those 'marathon at 32 weeks, crossfit until delivery' types. I'm more 'barely shuffle 2 miles on the treadmill.'
Looking forward to? Viability on New Year's Day. 4 weeks left!!!!!
Feeling? I told someone that nausea has uninvited his friend vomiting, but welcomed in his friends burps and heartburn. Boy have they shown up with a vengeance.
Comparisons to last time? Still pregnant! Still out of the hospital! Pretty amazing comparisons! Four more weeks to viability. Less than 30 days!
Now, the real star of the show, my huge amigo (please note he's wearing my husband's Banana Republic shirt). :)
Measuring? Baby girl is a few days ahead, baby boy is a few days behind. Overall, reassuringly normal right now!
Size? Bananas! My huge friend (aka, the stuffed gorilla), who first shared news of this pregnancy with my husband, clearly approves of week 20! For those who are curious, his picture is below. Yes, I am crazy. Blame my best friend and our gag gift war for this one!
Heartbeat? They were 144 and 141 last Thursday.
Total weight gain/loss: Up 16 to 134. I know Dr. Haney encouraged me to eat whatever/whenever I wanted, but two pounds a week is worrying me. The babies are estimated at just over a pound total, so I know it's not all them!
Maternity: Very much so. Just made one of my last purchases, of a bunch of loose dresses. Hopefully that will last me through.
Stretch marks: Nothing new yet.
Sleep: Eh. No real changes. Still with the constantly weird dreams.
Movements? Feeling a bit more, but it's still very sporadic compared to Quinn. I felt my first kick or punch from the outside yesterday, which was fun.
Cravings? No. Still feeling really 'blech' when it comes to food.
Gender: One boy, one girl.
Miss? I still miss feeling good. I miss my old body and its ability to exercise hard. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my baby bump, but I wish I was one of those 'marathon at 32 weeks, crossfit until delivery' types. I'm more 'barely shuffle 2 miles on the treadmill.'
Looking forward to? Viability on New Year's Day. 4 weeks left!!!!!
Feeling? I told someone that nausea has uninvited his friend vomiting, but welcomed in his friends burps and heartburn. Boy have they shown up with a vengeance.
Comparisons to last time? Still pregnant! Still out of the hospital! Pretty amazing comparisons! Four more weeks to viability. Less than 30 days!
Now, the real star of the show, my huge amigo (please note he's wearing my husband's Banana Republic shirt). :)
Also, 20 week bump picture.
Monday, December 3, 2018
Abandon Hope Ye Who Enter
I know it's early to be thinking of such things, but I was pondering all the hopes I've abandoned with respect to pregnancy and childbirth.
Our first pregnancy, which ended in a 10 week MMC, I had hoped for a vaginal birth. I wanted it to be followed by a few days spent just with my husband and the baby, learning to be a nuclear family together before adding grandparents into the mix. I hadn't planned on finding out the sex, I hoped to wait for the delivery room announcement. I felt pretty good during that pregnancy, and hoped to enjoy every second of being pregnant. I was still working out daily and hoped to continue doing so.
Sounded charming, no? Ha!
After three miscarriages, I was still hoping for the vaginal birth, but when expecting twins, I knew a c-section was likely, so I abandoned that hope. I also knew we wouldn't get nuclear family time alone. Instead, I'd have grandparents whose help I'd badly need immediately after surgery. Thus, I abandoned the alone time hope, too. After the losses, I wanted to know the babies were healthy as soon as possible, so I abandoned the hope of not knowing the sex and found out early. I did still hope that I'd be bringing term babies home from the hospital with me, and there'd be no NICU time. Once the worst nausea passed, I enjoyed my pregnancy and hoped to keep doing so.
This time around, I'm still nauseous, I still feel awful at 19 weeks. Nausea has said goodbye to its dear friend vomiting, but invited in its pals heartburn and endless gas. I've abandoned the hope that I'll get to enjoy any of this pregnancy. I know that between the c-section (and possible hemorrhage) and prematurity/NICU time, I may not even get to HOLD my babies before the grandparents do, never mind having alone time. Since I want the kids to know love and comfort as soon as possible, I've (sadly) come to terms with that.
Hopes, abandoned.
Now? Now the only thing I feel I can hope for is healthy, living babies. Heck, even that feels demanding. I know how lucky I am to even be pregnant again, to even have a shot at hoping for healthy babies. That makes it slightly easier to let go of all the hopes I've had to abandon. . . but only slightly. Why do I feel compelled not to grieve over all the hopes that won't be met simply because I've known worse grief? I realize that loss has taken so much away from me, and now I'm letting my knowledge and associated guilt force me to adapt in ways I don't want to adapt. I think it's time to work on that. It's ok to be angry, even if my babies survive. Logically, I know that. Emotionally, I still need to accept that it's true.
Sounded charming, no? Ha!
After three miscarriages, I was still hoping for the vaginal birth, but when expecting twins, I knew a c-section was likely, so I abandoned that hope. I also knew we wouldn't get nuclear family time alone. Instead, I'd have grandparents whose help I'd badly need immediately after surgery. Thus, I abandoned the alone time hope, too. After the losses, I wanted to know the babies were healthy as soon as possible, so I abandoned the hope of not knowing the sex and found out early. I did still hope that I'd be bringing term babies home from the hospital with me, and there'd be no NICU time. Once the worst nausea passed, I enjoyed my pregnancy and hoped to keep doing so.
This time around, I'm still nauseous, I still feel awful at 19 weeks. Nausea has said goodbye to its dear friend vomiting, but invited in its pals heartburn and endless gas. I've abandoned the hope that I'll get to enjoy any of this pregnancy. I know that between the c-section (and possible hemorrhage) and prematurity/NICU time, I may not even get to HOLD my babies before the grandparents do, never mind having alone time. Since I want the kids to know love and comfort as soon as possible, I've (sadly) come to terms with that.
Hopes, abandoned.
Now? Now the only thing I feel I can hope for is healthy, living babies. Heck, even that feels demanding. I know how lucky I am to even be pregnant again, to even have a shot at hoping for healthy babies. That makes it slightly easier to let go of all the hopes I've had to abandon. . . but only slightly. Why do I feel compelled not to grieve over all the hopes that won't be met simply because I've known worse grief? I realize that loss has taken so much away from me, and now I'm letting my knowledge and associated guilt force me to adapt in ways I don't want to adapt. I think it's time to work on that. It's ok to be angry, even if my babies survive. Logically, I know that. Emotionally, I still need to accept that it's true.
Saturday, December 1, 2018
Highs and Lows
Our official anatomy scan was yesterday. We had an early one two and a half weeks ago at my request, since the anatomy scan milestone was a big one for me. The good news is that everything is still looking good with the babies. Hearts, brains, diaphragms, kidneys, arms, legs, nasal bones: all were within normal ranges. Both babies were beating up on each other the entire time - heaven help us if they keep that up! Lefty, our girl, is estimated at 10 oz, and Righty, our boy, at 9.
There was some less good news, too. Nothing downright scary yet, but less good. My cervix has shrunk from 4.9 to 3.8 in two and a half weeks. That means that the uterine irritability I've been feeling has been causing cervical changes. We're not to the place of worrying yet, but we'll keep monitoring. To be fair, I don't know what else we can do if we reach the point of worry (e.g., 2.5 or lower). I already have a TAC which is the gold standard, so anything else would be like trying to put a bandaid on a broken steel beam that's been welded back together: if the weld doesn't hold, the bandaid sure won't help. There's a great study that shows at 19 weeks, a cervical length between 3.5 and 4.0 is correlated with a 23-29% probability of delivery before 35 weeks in di/di twins. Once again, I knew that was likely anyhow, but I'm still hoping for 37.
We also found out that Righty has marginal cord insertion. While this could be nothing, it's correlated with a number of negative outcomes, like abruptions, pPROM, and growth restrictions. Those are scary words for anyone, especially someone with my history. Further, since Righty has measured behind his sister this entire time, and still is doing so, we'll be monitored a bit more closely for his growth.
So, high note: both babies look great and are moving up a storm.
Low note: As expected, my body is pretty shit at this 'being pregnant' stuff. Hopefully it can keep holding out long enough to keep them both safe.
One day at a time continues. Pictures below are Lefty first, followed by Righty. Very different profiles than Quinn had, although maybe that's just gestational age. For now, I'm guessing they'll look more like their Dad's side of the family than mine.
There was some less good news, too. Nothing downright scary yet, but less good. My cervix has shrunk from 4.9 to 3.8 in two and a half weeks. That means that the uterine irritability I've been feeling has been causing cervical changes. We're not to the place of worrying yet, but we'll keep monitoring. To be fair, I don't know what else we can do if we reach the point of worry (e.g., 2.5 or lower). I already have a TAC which is the gold standard, so anything else would be like trying to put a bandaid on a broken steel beam that's been welded back together: if the weld doesn't hold, the bandaid sure won't help. There's a great study that shows at 19 weeks, a cervical length between 3.5 and 4.0 is correlated with a 23-29% probability of delivery before 35 weeks in di/di twins. Once again, I knew that was likely anyhow, but I'm still hoping for 37.
We also found out that Righty has marginal cord insertion. While this could be nothing, it's correlated with a number of negative outcomes, like abruptions, pPROM, and growth restrictions. Those are scary words for anyone, especially someone with my history. Further, since Righty has measured behind his sister this entire time, and still is doing so, we'll be monitored a bit more closely for his growth.
So, high note: both babies look great and are moving up a storm.
Low note: As expected, my body is pretty shit at this 'being pregnant' stuff. Hopefully it can keep holding out long enough to keep them both safe.
One day at a time continues. Pictures below are Lefty first, followed by Righty. Very different profiles than Quinn had, although maybe that's just gestational age. For now, I'm guessing they'll look more like their Dad's side of the family than mine.
Tuesday, November 27, 2018
19 weeks!
19 weeks! Yes, the exclamation point is necessary. :)
18 weeks to go before mandatory eviction and only 5 to viability. I am so incredibly grateful. We'll see how my cervix is doing on Thursday, but I'll stay hopeful. Every day closer is a win and I don't take any of them for granted, despite the nausea, burping, heartburn, and uterine irritability. Grow, babies, grow!
How far? 19 weeks
Measuring? On track as of last ultrasound. All my u/s have show a gestational age that's a day behind what I thought. I finally figured it out - they're all calculated on my LMP, but I triggered on day 11, meaning ovulation at day 13 instead of the assumed day 14. I'm sure no one cares but me, but I'm not giving up that day in my own mind!
Size? Mangoes!
Heartbeat? We'll find out on Thursday.
Total weight gain/loss: Up 14 to 132. The rapid weight gain is scary for me as someone who has been overweight, and who worked hard to lose 40 pounds and stay in the healthy range for 10+ years. This is the first time I've been over 125 in 12 years (I set 125 as my 'do not pass go' weight to make sure I wouldn't go back to where I'd been), and it's tough mentally. I'm tracking calories and I'm not sure how I'm gaining so fast, but it's probably still good for the babies. I wonder if I have a GD diagnosis looming?
Maternity: Oh yeah!
Stretch: Nothing new yet.
Sleep: Nightmares. So many nightmares this week.
Movements? Off and on. Ready and hoping for more on than off! Darn anterior placentas!
Cravings? No. Feeling really 'blech' when it comes to food.
Gender: One boy, one girl.
Miss? Wine. It's been nearly 3 years since I had more than a half-glass. DH opened wine for a Thanksgiving recipe, and I really missed the ability to have a (half) glass with him.
Looking forward to? Viability on New Year's Day. Getting to see them again at our comprehensive ultrasound on Thursday.
Feeling? Burps, burps, burps . . . and heartburn! I've also managed to start walking on the treadmill again. I'm slow and I have terrible round ligament pain for the first mile, but I've actually done 3 miles for two days now, and I'm happy. Of course, in July before the HG, I was walking 5 around the lake in less than 90 minutes and now it takes almost an hour to do 3, but I'll be grateful for the three I can do!
Comparisons to last time? I'm farther along this time, and was sicker this time, so perhaps that's it, but with both Quinn and the twins, I was able to work out more by 15-16 weeks, and felt better when doing it. My body is just slower, my heart rate is much higher, and it's depressing this time. I guess twins, plus a 14 pound weight gain, will do that to you!
18 weeks to go before mandatory eviction and only 5 to viability. I am so incredibly grateful. We'll see how my cervix is doing on Thursday, but I'll stay hopeful. Every day closer is a win and I don't take any of them for granted, despite the nausea, burping, heartburn, and uterine irritability. Grow, babies, grow!
How far? 19 weeks
Measuring? On track as of last ultrasound. All my u/s have show a gestational age that's a day behind what I thought. I finally figured it out - they're all calculated on my LMP, but I triggered on day 11, meaning ovulation at day 13 instead of the assumed day 14. I'm sure no one cares but me, but I'm not giving up that day in my own mind!
Size? Mangoes!
Heartbeat? We'll find out on Thursday.
Total weight gain/loss: Up 14 to 132. The rapid weight gain is scary for me as someone who has been overweight, and who worked hard to lose 40 pounds and stay in the healthy range for 10+ years. This is the first time I've been over 125 in 12 years (I set 125 as my 'do not pass go' weight to make sure I wouldn't go back to where I'd been), and it's tough mentally. I'm tracking calories and I'm not sure how I'm gaining so fast, but it's probably still good for the babies. I wonder if I have a GD diagnosis looming?
Maternity: Oh yeah!
Stretch: Nothing new yet.
Sleep: Nightmares. So many nightmares this week.
Movements? Off and on. Ready and hoping for more on than off! Darn anterior placentas!
Cravings? No. Feeling really 'blech' when it comes to food.
Gender: One boy, one girl.
Miss? Wine. It's been nearly 3 years since I had more than a half-glass. DH opened wine for a Thanksgiving recipe, and I really missed the ability to have a (half) glass with him.
Looking forward to? Viability on New Year's Day. Getting to see them again at our comprehensive ultrasound on Thursday.
Feeling? Burps, burps, burps . . . and heartburn! I've also managed to start walking on the treadmill again. I'm slow and I have terrible round ligament pain for the first mile, but I've actually done 3 miles for two days now, and I'm happy. Of course, in July before the HG, I was walking 5 around the lake in less than 90 minutes and now it takes almost an hour to do 3, but I'll be grateful for the three I can do!
Comparisons to last time? I'm farther along this time, and was sicker this time, so perhaps that's it, but with both Quinn and the twins, I was able to work out more by 15-16 weeks, and felt better when doing it. My body is just slower, my heart rate is much higher, and it's depressing this time. I guess twins, plus a 14 pound weight gain, will do that to you!
Here's 19 weeks - amazed and thrilled to be here!
Wednesday, November 21, 2018
18 weeks
I'm not a fan of 18 weeks. 18 weeks in 2016 was the day I went into labor. 18 weeks in 2017 was the day I started bleeding. 18 weeks is not my favorite gestational age. Yesterday was 18 weeks. Every week is another milestone, so that part is good, but this one is scary. I'm feeling better, I'm starting to work out again ever so gently. All of those things happened right before SHTF* in 2016 and 2017. I suspect it's just coincidence/gestational age, but . . . scary. So, celebrating each moment, here's my 18 week update, and I'm hoping there will be a cheery, SHTF-less 19 week update.
How far? 18 weeks
Measuring? On track as of last ultrasound
Size? Bell peppers
Heartbeat? My OB didn't give me the readings, but said both were great at my appointment.
Total weight gain/loss: Up 13 to 131. I'm happy with the number, but concerned that now I'm gaining too fast. I'm finally feeling well enough to eat normally again, so I'm back to higher protein, more veggies. It's a nice change.
Maternity: Very much so! I bought some new clothes, but I won't even open the bags until I've made it through 18 weeks.
Stretch marks: Nothing new yet.
Sleep: Still with the crazy dreams. Not loving that. Otherwise, no different from non-pregnant me: up every few hours to pee.
Movements? Definitely in the last several days. Or it's really bad gas. I think it's babies, though. With the anterior placentas, I can't feel them with my hand the way I could feel Quinn at 18 weeks, but I'm pretty sure the tappings are from them and not just my digestive system!
Cravings? No. Finally moving back to my more normal diet - seafood, veggies. Slightly higher carb and calorie than before, tho.
Gender: One boy, one girl.
Miss? I'm finally starting to feel better, and now that I've reached a point where I'm not 100% consumed by nausea, I miss working out. I'm walking again, but I'm slow, my flexibility is completely gone, and I can't do anything higher impact without getting my heart rate too high or violating the 'lift no more than 10 pounds' restrictions that I'm on.
Looking forward to? Viability on New Year's Day. Getting to week 19, and past the 18 week milestone. Getting to see them again at our comprehensive ultrasound next week.
Feeling? This is getting better, as long as I stay on the Reglan. The nausea sometimes actually fades so much I don't notice it. The burps and heartburn are back with a vengeance (thanks, progesterone), but I can cope slightly better with those. The two days I tried to stop reglan saw me back to heavy nausea and retching, so I think I need to stay a bit longer.
Comparisons to last time? When I was hospitalized with Quinn, I would often feel my belly get hard, then soft. I was told it was uterine irritability. I have that same thing every single morning now. Hard belly when I first wake up and am lying in bed. Eventually it gets soft again. My doctor said a few times a day is safe, call in if it happens a few times an hour. The comparison to last time scares me. I need these babies to be ok. I need them to survive and be healthy. No other options are acceptable, and uterine irritation this early is just scary and a bad sign. Next cervical length check is over a week away.
Just for fun, here's a blurry 18 week bump photo. I'm having some body image issues, but I'm so glad the babies and I are growing!
*SHTF = Shit Hits the Fan
How far? 18 weeks
Measuring? On track as of last ultrasound
Size? Bell peppers
Heartbeat? My OB didn't give me the readings, but said both were great at my appointment.
Total weight gain/loss: Up 13 to 131. I'm happy with the number, but concerned that now I'm gaining too fast. I'm finally feeling well enough to eat normally again, so I'm back to higher protein, more veggies. It's a nice change.
Maternity: Very much so! I bought some new clothes, but I won't even open the bags until I've made it through 18 weeks.
Stretch marks: Nothing new yet.
Sleep: Still with the crazy dreams. Not loving that. Otherwise, no different from non-pregnant me: up every few hours to pee.
Movements? Definitely in the last several days. Or it's really bad gas. I think it's babies, though. With the anterior placentas, I can't feel them with my hand the way I could feel Quinn at 18 weeks, but I'm pretty sure the tappings are from them and not just my digestive system!
Cravings? No. Finally moving back to my more normal diet - seafood, veggies. Slightly higher carb and calorie than before, tho.
Gender: One boy, one girl.
Miss? I'm finally starting to feel better, and now that I've reached a point where I'm not 100% consumed by nausea, I miss working out. I'm walking again, but I'm slow, my flexibility is completely gone, and I can't do anything higher impact without getting my heart rate too high or violating the 'lift no more than 10 pounds' restrictions that I'm on.
Looking forward to? Viability on New Year's Day. Getting to week 19, and past the 18 week milestone. Getting to see them again at our comprehensive ultrasound next week.
Feeling? This is getting better, as long as I stay on the Reglan. The nausea sometimes actually fades so much I don't notice it. The burps and heartburn are back with a vengeance (thanks, progesterone), but I can cope slightly better with those. The two days I tried to stop reglan saw me back to heavy nausea and retching, so I think I need to stay a bit longer.
Comparisons to last time? When I was hospitalized with Quinn, I would often feel my belly get hard, then soft. I was told it was uterine irritability. I have that same thing every single morning now. Hard belly when I first wake up and am lying in bed. Eventually it gets soft again. My doctor said a few times a day is safe, call in if it happens a few times an hour. The comparison to last time scares me. I need these babies to be ok. I need them to survive and be healthy. No other options are acceptable, and uterine irritation this early is just scary and a bad sign. Next cervical length check is over a week away.
Just for fun, here's a blurry 18 week bump photo. I'm having some body image issues, but I'm so glad the babies and I are growing!
*SHTF = Shit Hits the Fan
Monday, November 19, 2018
What to Expect When You're Managing Expectations
New Year's Day will be viability for these babies. It's so hard to know how to handle things between now and then. What do I mean by that? Well, do we live life like we're going to get to parent them, or not? For example, the cribs I want are on sale now. Do I buy them, or do I wait and pay full price next year? Do I pull the trigger on a substantial basement renovation, knowing that some changes only make sense if the babies are born healthy? We did a minor reno in 2016 to update a bathroom for Alexis and Zoe. We all know how that ended.
That's the practical. Let's talk about the emotional. Do I get excited that I'm going to get to parent a daughter and a son? Do I *believe* that we'll bring babies home? That is, in my heart of hearts, do I think these are babies I will get to know? I love them, I'm excited about their possible arrival. That said, I feel a caution that tells me I don't yet believe on a deep emotional level. That's not a conscious decision on my part, it's just happening and I'm not pressuring myself one way or the other.
I wish this was easier. I wish I knew what expect. Alternately, I wish I had the naive certainty I did when pregnant in 2016. DH actually signed that reno contract while I was in the hospital the day after my water broke. But we scoped down the work to only do what made sense whether or not we got to parent. Now . . . . no naive certainty and no option to scale down unless we delay to the point that I'd be coming home from the hospital with no place for babies or adults to sleep!
I suppose that gives me my answer: I won't pressure myself. We'll sign the contract on the reno, because the 20 year old carpet, mystery telephone booth (yes, our basement has a built in phone booth and no, it's not really a TARDIS), and 40 year old bathroom all could stand to be replaced or removed no matter what. I'll respect DH, who doesn't want to buy anything until 2019. I won't pressure him into other purchases that wouldn't be needed if things go poorly. Hopefully the end result will be two satisfied adults and two healthy babies. Either way, our basement's going to look damn snazzy.
That's the practical. Let's talk about the emotional. Do I get excited that I'm going to get to parent a daughter and a son? Do I *believe* that we'll bring babies home? That is, in my heart of hearts, do I think these are babies I will get to know? I love them, I'm excited about their possible arrival. That said, I feel a caution that tells me I don't yet believe on a deep emotional level. That's not a conscious decision on my part, it's just happening and I'm not pressuring myself one way or the other.
I wish this was easier. I wish I knew what expect. Alternately, I wish I had the naive certainty I did when pregnant in 2016. DH actually signed that reno contract while I was in the hospital the day after my water broke. But we scoped down the work to only do what made sense whether or not we got to parent. Now . . . . no naive certainty and no option to scale down unless we delay to the point that I'd be coming home from the hospital with no place for babies or adults to sleep!
I suppose that gives me my answer: I won't pressure myself. We'll sign the contract on the reno, because the 20 year old carpet, mystery telephone booth (yes, our basement has a built in phone booth and no, it's not really a TARDIS), and 40 year old bathroom all could stand to be replaced or removed no matter what. I'll respect DH, who doesn't want to buy anything until 2019. I won't pressure him into other purchases that wouldn't be needed if things go poorly. Hopefully the end result will be two satisfied adults and two healthy babies. Either way, our basement's going to look damn snazzy.
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
17 weeks
I know I"ve been radio silent for a while. That's the impact of the HG, plus having family staying with us full time since mid October. Sitting at a computer heightened the nausea, so I didn't do it, and I can't type worth crap on an ipad, so there was no posting. Actually, based on my typos, I guess I can't type worth crap on a computer, so just assume it's worse via iPad! :)
The great news is that everything is going well. We had our Level II/III scan at 16.6 and my cervix was 4.99!! That was so long it didn't all fit on one (zoomed in) screen! Both babies had all the anatomy parts they should. I go back at 19.3 for the Comprehensive u/s, but no one is expecting anything problematic then. Some small part of me is starting to believe we might get to raise these babies. I'll include pictures at the very bottom.
how far along? 17 weeks
how are you measuring? Our girl, A, is measuring a few days ahead, and our boy, B is a few days behind.
size of baby? Pomegranate
heartbeat? 150s
total weight gain/loss? Up 10 to 128! I won't hit the 20 by 20 that perinatology wanted, but I"m not the zero gain I was for so long. Really grateful for that. Hopefully it will help them stay put and grow!
maternity clothes? Oh yeah. The belly is real.
stretch marks? Nothing new.
sleep? Better now that I"m off IV fluids. I'm still doing at least 2L of water a day, but not via IV at bedtime, so I can sleep for a few hours without needing to pee. It's nice. I'm still having awful dreams, constantly.
movement? Yep! Light tappings and kicks/headbutts to the cervix. I don't feel them all the time, and it's still easy to mistake for gas, but it's nice.
food cravings? Nope.
gender ? One boy, one girl.
what i miss? Not feeling nausea 24/7. This just sucks. I miss enjoying life.
what i'm looking forward to? A few days off with DH at Thanksgiving.
comparisons to last pregnancy? My cervix is 4.99! I was 2-3 cm dilated at 18 weeks with Quinn and pPROM'd at 17 with the twins, so this is just unbelievably stellar. I don't want to get over excited, but I'm hopeful we'll make it to viability on New Years.
For anyone interested, here are a few profile shots from the scan.The first is our daughter, the second, our son.
The great news is that everything is going well. We had our Level II/III scan at 16.6 and my cervix was 4.99!! That was so long it didn't all fit on one (zoomed in) screen! Both babies had all the anatomy parts they should. I go back at 19.3 for the Comprehensive u/s, but no one is expecting anything problematic then. Some small part of me is starting to believe we might get to raise these babies. I'll include pictures at the very bottom.
how far along? 17 weeks
how are you measuring? Our girl, A, is measuring a few days ahead, and our boy, B is a few days behind.
size of baby? Pomegranate
heartbeat? 150s
total weight gain/loss? Up 10 to 128! I won't hit the 20 by 20 that perinatology wanted, but I"m not the zero gain I was for so long. Really grateful for that. Hopefully it will help them stay put and grow!
maternity clothes? Oh yeah. The belly is real.
stretch marks? Nothing new.
sleep? Better now that I"m off IV fluids. I'm still doing at least 2L of water a day, but not via IV at bedtime, so I can sleep for a few hours without needing to pee. It's nice. I'm still having awful dreams, constantly.
movement? Yep! Light tappings and kicks/headbutts to the cervix. I don't feel them all the time, and it's still easy to mistake for gas, but it's nice.
food cravings? Nope.
gender ? One boy, one girl.
what i miss? Not feeling nausea 24/7. This just sucks. I miss enjoying life.
what i'm looking forward to? A few days off with DH at Thanksgiving.
comparisons to last pregnancy? My cervix is 4.99! I was 2-3 cm dilated at 18 weeks with Quinn and pPROM'd at 17 with the twins, so this is just unbelievably stellar. I don't want to get over excited, but I'm hopeful we'll make it to viability on New Years.
For anyone interested, here are a few profile shots from the scan.The first is our daughter, the second, our son.
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
12 weeks, v3
12 weeks
I realized that this is only the third pregnancy to reach 12 weeks, so I guess this is 12 weeks, v3. The last few days have been a huge roller coaster. Sunday morning I woke up to gushing blood, clots, and cramps. I know SCHs can cause that and everything can turn out ok, but I also know that doctor after doctor blamed my pPROM on bleeding. Monday we went in for an emergency ultrasound, and both babies looked perfect. A's placenta is close to my cervix, but otherwise there was no clear reason for bleeding on the u/s, and my cervix was over 3 cm.While I was getting dressed again, the phone rang with the NIPT results. Low risk for T21, 18 and 13. That was a huge relief. For the first time, my guess was right: one boy, one girl. I am still scared. I will be scared every day until they're here, but this was the best news we could have gotten at the time. I have feelings about having a boy this time, but if these babies live and are healthy, I'll happily take any sexes at all!
how far along? 12 weeks
how are you measuring? Both were measuring over 12 weeks during yesterday's scan.
size of baby? Lime
heartbeat? 150/152
total weight gain/loss? At 118 still, so no gain. :(
maternity clothes? Switched over to maternity leggings, since I live in leggings during the winter. My growing belly is grateful for the room. Unfortunately, everyone seems to be sold out of leggings right now, expect Target, and I am not fond of their maternity leggings. So I have 2 functional pairs of pants. Eek!
stretch marks? Nothing new.
sleep? Ok.
movement? Nope, and we discovered both babies have anterior placentas, so I don't expect it until late.
food cravings? I really wanted no-spice pad thai, and DH tried to get some for me but our usual place was closed and the alternate place just gave him plain noodles (no sauce) when he said it had to be gluten free. Better safe than sorry, but still sad.
gender ? One boy, one girl.
what i miss? Life without a perhiperhal IV. Being able to eat more than a few bites of food at once.
what i'm looking forward to? NT scan Thursday.
comparisons to last pregnancy? Never had this sort of heavy bleed in past pregnancies unless something was really wrong. After the gush, I had many hours of bloody mucus, which is exactly what I had each time I used the bathroom during my hospital stay with Quinn. The similarities were really tough. So glad there was no evidence of PPROM and both babies and my cervix all look good.
Tuesday, October 2, 2018
11 weeks, v4
11 weeks
Last week's scan went really well. Two babies, both moving up a storm. Perfect heart rates. The sonographer got video of them, and I've included some below. We are totally besotted. NIPT results should be back in a week or less and my next scan is at 12.2, which feels like forever away.how far along? 11 weeks
how are you measuring? B was measuring a few days ahead at 10w4d when the scan was at 10.2. A was at 10w1d.
size of baby? Fig
heartbeat? 169/172
total weight gain/loss? At 118 still, so no gain. I'm keeping more calories down now, so I expect that to improve soon.
maternity clothes? Switched over to maternity leggings, since I live in leggings during the winter. My growing belly is grateful for the room.
stretch marks? Nothing new.
sleep? I've been up once an hour to pee, which is unusual for me. Turns out I have a UTI. Now on antibiotics to treat it (just what my nausea needed!), so we'll see if I can get more sleep.
movement? Nope, and we discovered both babies have anterior placentas, so I don't expect it until late.
food cravings? No, unless I can claim that the Reese's PB cups I bought were a craving. :)
gender predictions? I've been wrong every other time, so why not now? I'll go back to our guess with our first set of twins: one boy, one girl. Really just praying both are euploid.
what i miss? Feeling human. Because I don't. I miss my life.
what i'm looking forward to? NIPT results. Because I need to know they're ok, or make decisions if not.
comparisons to last pregnancy? The nosebleeds have started again, so I do feel pregnant now! (That was a symptom throughout both previous pregnancies.) Feel rather silly to be the same weight but already in maternity tights. I know it was later last time, and much later the first time. I am trying to get more positive that we'll bring these babies home to raise, but it's really hard. I keep assuming something has gone wrong between scans, and the anterior placentas mean it's hard to find heartbeats on doppler.
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
10 weeks, v4
10 weeks
I'm going to be hopeful for once and post this, although my next appointment isn't until Thursday. I got a fetal doppler over the weekend, and while I didn't find both heartbeats this morning, I did find one. I know how hard it is to find at 10 weeks, and how retroverted my uterus is, so I'm going to assume both are ok, and try to be positive. That's hard.how far along? 10 weeks
how are you measuring? Both babies were exactly on target at my last scan. A measured 9 weeks 1 day with a 184 heart rate and B was 9 weeks 2 days with 187. We'll see how things look Thursday at my viability scan.
size of baby? kumquat! (Such a great word)
heartbeat? 184/187.
total weight gain/loss? Down to 117, which might be margin of error. My IV clogged today, so I'm off fluids until tomorrow when I can replace it.
maternity clothes? Nope. Since I'm off work, I'm mostly in pajamas, but still almost no bump to speak of, only severe afternoon bloat.
stretch marks? Nothing new.
sleep? Nightmares. Constant nightmares. I hate it. Up every hour or two to pee, and feel nauseous.
movement? Nope.
food cravings? No. Slightly less vomiting in the last two days. I've changed up my diet to get a bit more protein in, and so far it seems to be working. Protein waffles with PB, higher protein cereal with coconut milk, greek yogurt. I can eat a cheese omelette if someone else makes it for me, but I can't make it through cooking. Bleh.
gender predictions? I've been wrong every other time, so why not now? I'll go back to our guess with our first set of twins: one boy, one girl. Really just praying both are euploid.
what i miss? Not feeling constantly awful. Not being tethered to an IV pole. Doing anything other than Netflix and Internet on the sofa. God I miss working out.
what i'm looking forward to? Just hoping for good news on Thursday. And that the NIPT testing comes back wtih more good news. Even if it isn't diagnostic, it's helpful if it trends toward euploidy.
how are you feeling? Awful. So, so awful. I'm fine until I eat, but after that, the gas builds up, the food doesn't move and I just want to be in a coma for a few months.
comparisons to last pregnancy? I traveled to SoCal at 10 weeks with my last pregnancy. I can't even travel off the sofa this time. My energy is as low as you'd expect, given how few calories I'm eating. I'm so nauseous. I hope that someday I'll be able to enjoy this a bit more.
Monday, September 24, 2018
Advocating (Troublemaking)
I've written before about advocating for myself, as well as the consequences of not advocating hard enough. We got another example recently.
I am pregnant with twins. I want to do NIPT testing, which is testing that looks at fetal DNA in my blood stream to determine if key chromosomes have the correct count. Two years ago, the genetic counselor told me that my insurance wouldn't approve NIPT for twins, so our only options were a CVS or amnio or NT screen/quad screen. I called my insurance back then, and verified that they would have covered the NIPT for twins, but because of all of our losses and my inversion, I thought the CVS was the better idea, so that's what we did. Then we lost the girls and I spent the better part of a year being told it was due to the CVS. That turned out to be bullshit, since the cause was actually my cervix, but let's blame the test anyhow, ok, it'll make me feel worse?
Ahem. Apparently some lingering guilt/anger over that one!
Anyhow, I don't want to do a CVS this time but with the TAC, I do want to know the babies' status with as much precision as I can, before 13 weeks. There are a few companies who offer NIPT, but only one claims to be able to analyze twins separately. That's Natera, with their Panorama test. The U of M typically uses the competition, Progenity. I did my research up front, and while I haven't read the tech studies, Natera claims it does analyze twins separately, checks zygosity, and can do things like give genders for each. Progenity does not claim to do that.
We saw the genetic counselor at 7 weeks. She told us the same thing we heard two years ago: Progenity is what they use. You can get false positives and it can cause worries. It doesn't work well with twins. It might not be covered by insurance.
I asked very specifically about Panorama for twins. The counselor let out the biggest sigh I've ever heard and acknowledged that Panorama does the test differently, which might actually be better for twins. And she said she could order it, but don't expect insurance to cover it (I checked, they will). We asked her what the sigh was for and she never really answered, but she did agree to order the Panorama if there were two heartbeats at 10 weeks. She seemed to think we were troublemakers, pushing against what she'd normally do.
So, we're getting the right test because I did my own research, knew what I wanted, and asked. It shouldn't be that hard, but it was and it's done. It's given me still more reinforcement on the importance of keeping track of everything yourself and advocating.
I am pregnant with twins. I want to do NIPT testing, which is testing that looks at fetal DNA in my blood stream to determine if key chromosomes have the correct count. Two years ago, the genetic counselor told me that my insurance wouldn't approve NIPT for twins, so our only options were a CVS or amnio or NT screen/quad screen. I called my insurance back then, and verified that they would have covered the NIPT for twins, but because of all of our losses and my inversion, I thought the CVS was the better idea, so that's what we did. Then we lost the girls and I spent the better part of a year being told it was due to the CVS. That turned out to be bullshit, since the cause was actually my cervix, but let's blame the test anyhow, ok, it'll make me feel worse?
Ahem. Apparently some lingering guilt/anger over that one!
Anyhow, I don't want to do a CVS this time but with the TAC, I do want to know the babies' status with as much precision as I can, before 13 weeks. There are a few companies who offer NIPT, but only one claims to be able to analyze twins separately. That's Natera, with their Panorama test. The U of M typically uses the competition, Progenity. I did my research up front, and while I haven't read the tech studies, Natera claims it does analyze twins separately, checks zygosity, and can do things like give genders for each. Progenity does not claim to do that.
We saw the genetic counselor at 7 weeks. She told us the same thing we heard two years ago: Progenity is what they use. You can get false positives and it can cause worries. It doesn't work well with twins. It might not be covered by insurance.
I asked very specifically about Panorama for twins. The counselor let out the biggest sigh I've ever heard and acknowledged that Panorama does the test differently, which might actually be better for twins. And she said she could order it, but don't expect insurance to cover it (I checked, they will). We asked her what the sigh was for and she never really answered, but she did agree to order the Panorama if there were two heartbeats at 10 weeks. She seemed to think we were troublemakers, pushing against what she'd normally do.
So, we're getting the right test because I did my own research, knew what I wanted, and asked. It shouldn't be that hard, but it was and it's done. It's given me still more reinforcement on the importance of keeping track of everything yourself and advocating.
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus
And apparently he came early. Two babies. Two heartbeats. Both COMPLETELY on target.
Baby A had a HR of 187, baby B of 184. Both the right sizes in every way. I sobbed on the table.
I've been told that my uterus is very retroverted this time, which might explain the flat tummy and means more TV ultrasounds. I don't care, so long as the babies are healthy and growing.
Obligatory creepy ultrasound photo, with blobs that are only recognizable as babies to those who are in love with them already!
We go back to MFM next Thursday for a viability scan and NIPT blood draw, assuming everyone is still growing.
Baby A had a HR of 187, baby B of 184. Both the right sizes in every way. I sobbed on the table.
I've been told that my uterus is very retroverted this time, which might explain the flat tummy and means more TV ultrasounds. I don't care, so long as the babies are healthy and growing.
Obligatory creepy ultrasound photo, with blobs that are only recognizable as babies to those who are in love with them already!
We go back to MFM next Thursday for a viability scan and NIPT blood draw, assuming everyone is still growing.
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
9 weeks, take 4
9 weeks
I'm honestly not sure why I'm bothering with this post as I'm pretty certain the heartbeats will be gone by tomorrow. Every morning when I wake up, my stomach is flat, and I'm sure that didn't happen by 9 weeks in either of my last pregnancies that were still viable at 9 weeks. I can hope that it's due to the vomiting and the medications I'm taking, but hope is harder and harder to hold onto each day. Still, I'm going to fill this out. One last memory if things go bad, and a reminder to myself that it isn't always the end if things don't go bad.how far along? 9 weeks
how are you measuring? Both babies were exactly on target at my last scan. A measured 7 weeks 1 day, b measured 7 weeks 2 days.
size of baby? table grape
size of baby? table grape
heartbeat? A 150 at 7.2. B was 124.
total weight gain/loss? Nothing. Steady at 118, after losing two to start.
maternity clothes? Nope. Since I'm off work, I"m mostly in pajamas, but no bump to speak of, only afternoon bloat.
stretch marks? Nothing new.
sleep? If I stop taking the Reglan for a day, when I start again, it knocks me out. I sleep for 2-3 hours after each dose. That's worn off now, so I'm awake most of the day, but the nausea is so bad that I often just lay down with my eyes shut.
movement? Nope.
food cravings? No. Still vomiting on the regular. I can keep corn chex down more than most other things, only if it's with coconut milk. Yesterday's vomiting was so violent I burst capillaries in my face and eyes. I look marvelous. Is this the 'pregnancy glow' they speak of?
gender predictions? Not considering until I know there are still heartbeats. I've also been wrong every other time.
what i miss? Not feeling constantly awful. Not being tethered to an IV pole. Going through a day without puking.
what i'm looking forward to? Nothing. Too scared about tomorrow's ultrasound to look forward.
how are you feeling? Awful. So, so awful. Moving makes me vomit. Talking makes me vomit. When I eat, it just turns into ammo to be thrown up later
comparisons to last pregnancy? Worried about the lack of morning bloat. Worried about everything. I know I was afraid last time, but not this afraid. My body seems too similar to my blighted ovum pregnancy, although I didn't have vomiting with that. I wouldn't say I'm anxious, more resigned. If we still see heartbeats tomorrow, I may be able to be optimistic for a while.
total weight gain/loss? Nothing. Steady at 118, after losing two to start.
maternity clothes? Nope. Since I'm off work, I"m mostly in pajamas, but no bump to speak of, only afternoon bloat.
stretch marks? Nothing new.
sleep? If I stop taking the Reglan for a day, when I start again, it knocks me out. I sleep for 2-3 hours after each dose. That's worn off now, so I'm awake most of the day, but the nausea is so bad that I often just lay down with my eyes shut.
movement? Nope.
food cravings? No. Still vomiting on the regular. I can keep corn chex down more than most other things, only if it's with coconut milk. Yesterday's vomiting was so violent I burst capillaries in my face and eyes. I look marvelous. Is this the 'pregnancy glow' they speak of?
gender predictions? Not considering until I know there are still heartbeats. I've also been wrong every other time.
what i miss? Not feeling constantly awful. Not being tethered to an IV pole. Going through a day without puking.
what i'm looking forward to? Nothing. Too scared about tomorrow's ultrasound to look forward.
how are you feeling? Awful. So, so awful. Moving makes me vomit. Talking makes me vomit. When I eat, it just turns into ammo to be thrown up later
comparisons to last pregnancy? Worried about the lack of morning bloat. Worried about everything. I know I was afraid last time, but not this afraid. My body seems too similar to my blighted ovum pregnancy, although I didn't have vomiting with that. I wouldn't say I'm anxious, more resigned. If we still see heartbeats tomorrow, I may be able to be optimistic for a while.
Monday, September 17, 2018
Lactated Ringer's and Fear (aka 8.6 weeks)
Let's talk about HG for a few minutes. Hyperemesis gravidarum. I had bad morning sickness before. I puked a lot. I lost enough weight with the twins to qualify for an HG diagnosis, but never officially got one. This time, it's so much worse.
HG is vomiting up everything you eat, no matter how small.
HG is nausea that only gets better when you're asleep.
HG is being scared of eating, because you know how it will taste when it comes back again.
HG is vomiting when you move, when you talk, when you try to sit at a computer.
HG is hearing how other women with HG will sometimes reach a point that's so bad that they'll consider terminating, and after five weeks of puking, beginning to understand. (Note: I will do anything for these babies, including all this puking, so it's not something I'd do, but my sanctimony has definitely been replaced by empathy.)
HG is being horrified when someone initially suggests MMJ, and then being a bit sad it's not legal in your state, because you're that desperate.
HG is when you get down 600 calories on a good day and nearly all of them stay down.
HG is when you're tethered to an IV pole with fluids 8 hours a day, and that's ok.
HG is hell.
Being pregnant makes the hell worthwhile.
Here's my new best friends: my IV pole and my setting up your infusion place mat. (Brilliant, really.)
My doctor set me up with home IV fluids on Thursday, so I now have IV access and give myself 1-2 bags of lactated ringer's solution each day. That's actually been enough to knock down most of the vomiting, although not all of it. I rarely have ketones in my urine now. That's progress.
Of course, the fear is here, too. It looms larger than the vomiting at times. What if the vomiting isn't so bad because I've lost the babies and the fluids have nothing to do with it? Why is my stomach back to flat? Why am I not seeing a bump at nearly 9 weeks with twins? Why did my ever-constant nightmares vanish? Why is this so bloody hard?
Last ultrasound was at 7.2, and both babies still had heartbeats, although B's was lower than I'd have liked at 125. Both were perfectly on-track, size wise.
Next ultrsaound on Wednesday at 9 w 1 d. Praying for two good heartbeats, two on-target babies. If we see them, then we'll go back to MFM at 10.3 for another ultrasound and NIPT blood draw. There's a story behind that, but I"m too sick at this point to stay upright any longer. Sending love to all.
HG is vomiting up everything you eat, no matter how small.
HG is nausea that only gets better when you're asleep.
HG is being scared of eating, because you know how it will taste when it comes back again.
HG is vomiting when you move, when you talk, when you try to sit at a computer.
HG is hearing how other women with HG will sometimes reach a point that's so bad that they'll consider terminating, and after five weeks of puking, beginning to understand. (Note: I will do anything for these babies, including all this puking, so it's not something I'd do, but my sanctimony has definitely been replaced by empathy.)
HG is being horrified when someone initially suggests MMJ, and then being a bit sad it's not legal in your state, because you're that desperate.
HG is when you get down 600 calories on a good day and nearly all of them stay down.
HG is when you're tethered to an IV pole with fluids 8 hours a day, and that's ok.
HG is hell.
Being pregnant makes the hell worthwhile.
Here's my new best friends: my IV pole and my setting up your infusion place mat. (Brilliant, really.)
My doctor set me up with home IV fluids on Thursday, so I now have IV access and give myself 1-2 bags of lactated ringer's solution each day. That's actually been enough to knock down most of the vomiting, although not all of it. I rarely have ketones in my urine now. That's progress.
Of course, the fear is here, too. It looms larger than the vomiting at times. What if the vomiting isn't so bad because I've lost the babies and the fluids have nothing to do with it? Why is my stomach back to flat? Why am I not seeing a bump at nearly 9 weeks with twins? Why did my ever-constant nightmares vanish? Why is this so bloody hard?
Last ultrasound was at 7.2, and both babies still had heartbeats, although B's was lower than I'd have liked at 125. Both were perfectly on-track, size wise.
Next ultrsaound on Wednesday at 9 w 1 d. Praying for two good heartbeats, two on-target babies. If we see them, then we'll go back to MFM at 10.3 for another ultrasound and NIPT blood draw. There's a story behind that, but I"m too sick at this point to stay upright any longer. Sending love to all.
Thursday, August 30, 2018
Never the Easy Way
They say an optimist sees the glass as half full. A pessimist sees the glass as half empty. I describe myself as a cynical optimist: the glass is half full, but it's probably dirty, because they don't make dishwashers like they used to!
Despite that being how I always approach live, I'm having a hard time with optimism now.
We saw two babies. Both measuring on track. But only one had a normal heart rate. Baby B's heart rate was way too slow (86 bpm at 6w1d, versus 125 for baby A). My OB gave us a generous estimate of B having a 50/50 shot of survival. Research I read shows as high as 60% as low as 30%.
For the first time in all of this, I am just really angry at the universe, or fate, or whatever. I want both of these babies. I want them healthy. I want to not have to be any more scared of losing them than absolutely necessary. Instead, I get to move forward knowing that there's a good chance we'll lose Baby B, and that vanishing twins cause all sorts of their own complications.
Really, universe? Really?!? You've put me through enough already. Give me this one. Give me two healthy babies. I've been puking constantly for more than a week, and I'll put up with whatever misery you throw at me this pregnancy, just let both of my babies be safe and healthy. Nobody owes me anything, but isn't it about fucking time for a happy ending?
Despite that being how I always approach live, I'm having a hard time with optimism now.
We saw two babies. Both measuring on track. But only one had a normal heart rate. Baby B's heart rate was way too slow (86 bpm at 6w1d, versus 125 for baby A). My OB gave us a generous estimate of B having a 50/50 shot of survival. Research I read shows as high as 60% as low as 30%.
For the first time in all of this, I am just really angry at the universe, or fate, or whatever. I want both of these babies. I want them healthy. I want to not have to be any more scared of losing them than absolutely necessary. Instead, I get to move forward knowing that there's a good chance we'll lose Baby B, and that vanishing twins cause all sorts of their own complications.
Really, universe? Really?!? You've put me through enough already. Give me this one. Give me two healthy babies. I've been puking constantly for more than a week, and I'll put up with whatever misery you throw at me this pregnancy, just let both of my babies be safe and healthy. Nobody owes me anything, but isn't it about fucking time for a happy ending?
Saturday, August 25, 2018
Wanting First and Third
The early pregnancy days are so, so hard. There's a constant second guessing and worry as symptoms come and go. I've been through this before and it turned out ok, so I'm not as completely terrified as I was in the past, but it's still anxiety provoking. Bleeding keeps coming and going. I promised myself I would stop peeing on things once the FRER test line got darker than the control, but the bleeding threw that plan out of the water and I'm back to testing. They mostly bring comfort.
I went to my first pregnancy after loss support group meeting Monday night. Normally I wouldn't join anything until after the first ultrasound, because the risk of having to un-join feels far too high. This time, I'm trying to be both hopeful and proactive in keeping myself occupied until the ultrasound. The other ladies were nice. All had been through one second tri loss. A few had experienced a first tri loss, too. I was simultaneously glad to be the only one with multiple later losses, and somewhat out of place. One, because I don't want to be the one reminding them that rainbow pregnancies can go wrong, too. Two, because there is something slightly different when you lose your rainbow, too, and are pregnant again after that. I'm not sure I had realized that until now.
That first post-loss pregnancy, you can reassure yourself with all the statistics that this "just doesn't happen twice." You can believe the doctors who tell you "it won't happen again!" By the pregnancy after two late losses, you know that having a 99% chance of bringing home a live baby is still a 100% chance of a dead baby for 1% of people. Further, you know what it is to be that 1%. And you know that doctors can be completely wrong, because really no one knows what the outcome will be. That post-two-loss pregnancy takes any comforts you might have held onto in the first post-loss pregnancy and further dashes them.
I hope to get to go back again in a few weeks. If there's no one home at next week's ultrasound, I can switch groups to the loss support group. Pregnancy after loss meets the first and third Mondays, Pregnancy loss meets the second and fourth. I'll keep going to one or the other, although I can tell you which I'd prefer!
I went to my first pregnancy after loss support group meeting Monday night. Normally I wouldn't join anything until after the first ultrasound, because the risk of having to un-join feels far too high. This time, I'm trying to be both hopeful and proactive in keeping myself occupied until the ultrasound. The other ladies were nice. All had been through one second tri loss. A few had experienced a first tri loss, too. I was simultaneously glad to be the only one with multiple later losses, and somewhat out of place. One, because I don't want to be the one reminding them that rainbow pregnancies can go wrong, too. Two, because there is something slightly different when you lose your rainbow, too, and are pregnant again after that. I'm not sure I had realized that until now.
That first post-loss pregnancy, you can reassure yourself with all the statistics that this "just doesn't happen twice." You can believe the doctors who tell you "it won't happen again!" By the pregnancy after two late losses, you know that having a 99% chance of bringing home a live baby is still a 100% chance of a dead baby for 1% of people. Further, you know what it is to be that 1%. And you know that doctors can be completely wrong, because really no one knows what the outcome will be. That post-two-loss pregnancy takes any comforts you might have held onto in the first post-loss pregnancy and further dashes them.
I hope to get to go back again in a few weeks. If there's no one home at next week's ultrasound, I can switch groups to the loss support group. Pregnancy after loss meets the first and third Mondays, Pregnancy loss meets the second and fourth. I'll keep going to one or the other, although I can tell you which I'd prefer!
Monday, August 20, 2018
A Don't Be
Welcome to Microblog Mondays! Want to learn more and read more? Head over to Stirrup Queens for the details!
There's a popular sentiment I've encountered during past pregnancies that goes something like this: "It's a good thing to be hopeful and excited and look forward to this pregnancy being successful." Friends, loved ones, even a therapist or two have all espoused some variant of this idea to me during past losses.
My reaction to that? It really pisses me off.
Full disclaimer: at this moment, I AM hopeful and excited about this pregnancy. Just like I was for much of my 2017 pregnancy and much of the twins'. However, I still think this advice is callous bullshit.
Let's look at a few different scenarios. There will be two variants to each scenario, variant "A" and variant "B".
Scenario 1
A: You've been dating a guy for months and you're falling for him. You've started to picture a long term future with him and you find yourself excited and daydreaming about it. Just when you're ready to use the "L" word, he calls to end the relationship.
B: You've been on a few dates with a guy. He's nice and fun, but something just isn't clicking. You're starting to think about moving on, because you don't see a future with him. At the end of a date, he suggests that you should just be friends.
Scenario 2
A: Your dream job gets posted, in another city where you'd like to live. You apply and make it through multiple interviews. Each interview makes you like the job more. You start browsing real estate and thinking of all the great things about the new city. Then you find out they hired someone else.
B: You're happy with your current job, but a friend convinces you to apply to a position at the company where she works. You do a few interviews, and while it seems interesting, you're not sure if it's better than what you have today. They hire someone else.
Scenario 3
A: You've been house-hunting for 12 months and your dream home comes on the market. You love everything about it and can completely see yourself living there. You submit an offer, but it sells to someone else.
B: On your first weekend house-hunting, you see a house you like and submit an offer. It's not perfect, but it will do. The house sells to someone else.
I'm guessing that most people have experienced some version of one or more of these scenarios. In each case, A is the 'hopeful and excited' version. If you've lived through an "A" or two in your life, can you honestly tell me that the emotional fall out from things not working out is the same as the "B" scenarios? I can't. I've lived a few "As" and found them really hard. They're memorable. I'm sure I've lived "Bs", but I don't even remember most of them!
Guarding your heart against extra pain by not being hopeful and excited for the future seems completely reasonable to me. Worst case scenario: you didn't enjoy the 'now' as much as you could have. Best case scenario: the worst will be one or two iotas less bad when it happens. That's a reasonable trade off from my point of view. As I said in my disclaimer, I'm not doing that this time, but I have before and hearing people tell me it was the wrong way to go just added more aggravation to already hard situations.
Moral of the story: be hopeful if you want. Be guarded if you want. Don't be telling someone else what to be!
There's a popular sentiment I've encountered during past pregnancies that goes something like this: "It's a good thing to be hopeful and excited and look forward to this pregnancy being successful." Friends, loved ones, even a therapist or two have all espoused some variant of this idea to me during past losses.
My reaction to that? It really pisses me off.
Full disclaimer: at this moment, I AM hopeful and excited about this pregnancy. Just like I was for much of my 2017 pregnancy and much of the twins'. However, I still think this advice is callous bullshit.
Let's look at a few different scenarios. There will be two variants to each scenario, variant "A" and variant "B".
Scenario 1
A: You've been dating a guy for months and you're falling for him. You've started to picture a long term future with him and you find yourself excited and daydreaming about it. Just when you're ready to use the "L" word, he calls to end the relationship.
B: You've been on a few dates with a guy. He's nice and fun, but something just isn't clicking. You're starting to think about moving on, because you don't see a future with him. At the end of a date, he suggests that you should just be friends.
Scenario 2
A: Your dream job gets posted, in another city where you'd like to live. You apply and make it through multiple interviews. Each interview makes you like the job more. You start browsing real estate and thinking of all the great things about the new city. Then you find out they hired someone else.
B: You're happy with your current job, but a friend convinces you to apply to a position at the company where she works. You do a few interviews, and while it seems interesting, you're not sure if it's better than what you have today. They hire someone else.
Scenario 3
A: You've been house-hunting for 12 months and your dream home comes on the market. You love everything about it and can completely see yourself living there. You submit an offer, but it sells to someone else.
B: On your first weekend house-hunting, you see a house you like and submit an offer. It's not perfect, but it will do. The house sells to someone else.
I'm guessing that most people have experienced some version of one or more of these scenarios. In each case, A is the 'hopeful and excited' version. If you've lived through an "A" or two in your life, can you honestly tell me that the emotional fall out from things not working out is the same as the "B" scenarios? I can't. I've lived a few "As" and found them really hard. They're memorable. I'm sure I've lived "Bs", but I don't even remember most of them!
Guarding your heart against extra pain by not being hopeful and excited for the future seems completely reasonable to me. Worst case scenario: you didn't enjoy the 'now' as much as you could have. Best case scenario: the worst will be one or two iotas less bad when it happens. That's a reasonable trade off from my point of view. As I said in my disclaimer, I'm not doing that this time, but I have before and hearing people tell me it was the wrong way to go just added more aggravation to already hard situations.
Moral of the story: be hopeful if you want. Be guarded if you want. Don't be telling someone else what to be!
Wednesday, August 15, 2018
A Perfect Trip
Our anniversary trip turned out to be nearly perfect in every way.
The B&B was lovely as always. Our first morning there, we went out in a canoe immediately after breakfast, and the blue heron who gives the place its name was out in the lagoon where the dock is. By the time we returned a few hours later, he had moved to the other side of the dock and was still fishing, waiting for us.
The Perseid meteor shower peaked just after 2 am on the morning of our anniversary, so we got up, went out and laid on the dock watching the meteors go past. It was a new moon, which meant nearly ideal conditions. Alas, the Canadian wild fires impacted air quality, so I'm sure we missed some of what we'd otherwise have seen, but it was still stunning. I found myself repeatedly thinking 'my girls are here, this beauty is for them, this is exactly what I wanted for them.' I also kept flashing back to laying out under the stars with DH many years ago when he proposed on a camping trip, so it really was a perfect night.
Later that morning, we took Quinn's ashes and paddled back out the island where we left Alexis and Zoe. The wind was pretty strong and I'm 100% inept as a canoer (is that even a word? canoeist?), so we didn't take a straight path. Along our route, a loon suddenly popped out of the water a ways off from us. As we paused to watch, he re-surfaced no more than 15' from our canoe and let out a call. We watched as he repeatedly dove and fished and he always kept resurfacing near us. Eventually we decided to head toward the island we needed to reach. The loon proceeded to escort us all the way out, around the island we were closest to, and up to the island where the girls are. As we said goodby and scattered Quinn's ashes, the loon stayed watching a short distance off, and vanished just as we were done. I am completely sure he was an honor guard for Quinn. It was beautiful and perfect and I know my girls are together, and in the right place.
Everything did feel very, very familiar, as we got the call with my beta on the drive out, and it was fantastically strong. Just like two years ago, I also started bleeding, so it was odd being back in the same B&B bathroom, dealing with estrogen and progresterone suppositories and bleeding, but it was almost a comforting sense of odd.
And now for the news I've been waiting for:
Beta 1 at 11 dpo was 119
Beta 2 just came in, at 15 dpo and is 845
That's a 33.24 hour doubling time, per the betabase calculator.
I was over 800 at 14 dpo with the twins, but betabase shows 800 as the median at 17 dpo with twins and 19 dpo with singletons, so it still seems there's a chance we may see more than one heartbeat at ultrasound. I am praying with every fiber of my being that whoever is in there, they are healthy and they are the baby(ies) we get to raise.
For those who enjoy HPT progressions, here's my First Signal/Walmart progression.
The B&B was lovely as always. Our first morning there, we went out in a canoe immediately after breakfast, and the blue heron who gives the place its name was out in the lagoon where the dock is. By the time we returned a few hours later, he had moved to the other side of the dock and was still fishing, waiting for us.
The Perseid meteor shower peaked just after 2 am on the morning of our anniversary, so we got up, went out and laid on the dock watching the meteors go past. It was a new moon, which meant nearly ideal conditions. Alas, the Canadian wild fires impacted air quality, so I'm sure we missed some of what we'd otherwise have seen, but it was still stunning. I found myself repeatedly thinking 'my girls are here, this beauty is for them, this is exactly what I wanted for them.' I also kept flashing back to laying out under the stars with DH many years ago when he proposed on a camping trip, so it really was a perfect night.
Later that morning, we took Quinn's ashes and paddled back out the island where we left Alexis and Zoe. The wind was pretty strong and I'm 100% inept as a canoer (is that even a word? canoeist?), so we didn't take a straight path. Along our route, a loon suddenly popped out of the water a ways off from us. As we paused to watch, he re-surfaced no more than 15' from our canoe and let out a call. We watched as he repeatedly dove and fished and he always kept resurfacing near us. Eventually we decided to head toward the island we needed to reach. The loon proceeded to escort us all the way out, around the island we were closest to, and up to the island where the girls are. As we said goodby and scattered Quinn's ashes, the loon stayed watching a short distance off, and vanished just as we were done. I am completely sure he was an honor guard for Quinn. It was beautiful and perfect and I know my girls are together, and in the right place.
Everything did feel very, very familiar, as we got the call with my beta on the drive out, and it was fantastically strong. Just like two years ago, I also started bleeding, so it was odd being back in the same B&B bathroom, dealing with estrogen and progresterone suppositories and bleeding, but it was almost a comforting sense of odd.
And now for the news I've been waiting for:
Beta 1 at 11 dpo was 119
Beta 2 just came in, at 15 dpo and is 845
That's a 33.24 hour doubling time, per the betabase calculator.
I was over 800 at 14 dpo with the twins, but betabase shows 800 as the median at 17 dpo with twins and 19 dpo with singletons, so it still seems there's a chance we may see more than one heartbeat at ultrasound. I am praying with every fiber of my being that whoever is in there, they are healthy and they are the baby(ies) we get to raise.
For those who enjoy HPT progressions, here's my First Signal/Walmart progression.
Friday, August 10, 2018
I'm NOT Bananas!
This is going to give you more insight into me than I should probably place on the internet, but it's worth a giggle, so why not?
Backstory: My best friend and I have had a habit of sending each other gag gifts for holidays and birthdays for years. As a result of this, I am the proud owner of an absolutely adorable, huge stuffed gorilla. I say 'huge' because: a) He's quite large and b) His packing slip and ear tag identified him as "One Huge Junglie Gorilla". Anyhow, he's really cute and I'm nuts, so it's become a family joke that he's obsessed with bananas. As a result of this, it's not uncommon for DH to return from a business trip to find the huge gorilla on a bar stool in the kitchen, staring longingly at the fruit bowl. He's cute enough you have to laugh when you see him, which seems like a good 'welcome home' to me!
Also relevant: I decided to try the whole 'pineapple core for implantation' thing this cycle. I've been doing pineapple core, frozen strawberry, coconut milk and protein powder smoothies for dinner since 5 dpo.
Today, when DH walked in the door from the airport, after taking Uber home because I'm working, he found the huge gorilla on a barstool, holding a sign that reads:
BANAN
PINEAPPLE,
FOR THE WIN!
There's a very positive pregnancy test taped to the sign, too.
Only after nine pregnancies do you start informing your spouse, via huge gorilla, that he might be a dad. I figure this beats the shit out of my recent approach of: 'So, there's a line, but it's pretty faint so don't expect anything.' Note: this line isn't faint. This line is 'I think it might be twins again' strong.
Send good juju our way? It could change at any second, but at this moment, according to three different brands of pregnancy tests and a huge gorilla, I am soundly pregnant. Until proven otherwise, I am clinging to the belief that this is the time we get our take home baby(ies).
Backstory: My best friend and I have had a habit of sending each other gag gifts for holidays and birthdays for years. As a result of this, I am the proud owner of an absolutely adorable, huge stuffed gorilla. I say 'huge' because: a) He's quite large and b) His packing slip and ear tag identified him as "One Huge Junglie Gorilla". Anyhow, he's really cute and I'm nuts, so it's become a family joke that he's obsessed with bananas. As a result of this, it's not uncommon for DH to return from a business trip to find the huge gorilla on a bar stool in the kitchen, staring longingly at the fruit bowl. He's cute enough you have to laugh when you see him, which seems like a good 'welcome home' to me!
Also relevant: I decided to try the whole 'pineapple core for implantation' thing this cycle. I've been doing pineapple core, frozen strawberry, coconut milk and protein powder smoothies for dinner since 5 dpo.
Today, when DH walked in the door from the airport, after taking Uber home because I'm working, he found the huge gorilla on a barstool, holding a sign that reads:
PINEAPPLE,
FOR THE WIN!
There's a very positive pregnancy test taped to the sign, too.
Only after nine pregnancies do you start informing your spouse, via huge gorilla, that he might be a dad. I figure this beats the shit out of my recent approach of: 'So, there's a line, but it's pretty faint so don't expect anything.' Note: this line isn't faint. This line is 'I think it might be twins again' strong.
Send good juju our way? It could change at any second, but at this moment, according to three different brands of pregnancy tests and a huge gorilla, I am soundly pregnant. Until proven otherwise, I am clinging to the belief that this is the time we get our take home baby(ies).
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
Deep Thoughts
DH and I had asparagus for lunch, and now my urine smells funny. If my egg fertilized today after ovulation, do you think our embryos smell funny, too?
Deep thoughts for a Tuesday afternoon. :)
Deep thoughts for a Tuesday afternoon. :)
Monday, July 30, 2018
Stolen Bases
I'm trying to process through everything related to the frag results. I think the best way I can explain it is via a really lousy sports analogy.
For a long time now, I've been 'taking one for the team.' I've taken one for the good of the team by doing dozens of injections, and blood draws, and enduring far too many transvaginal ultrasounds. I've shoved pills and suppositories into my vagina for months at a time and lived with the raw, swollen state they create. Despite that raw and swollen condition, I've dutifully done my part when our RE tells us to have intercourse repeatedly. I've taken one for the team with all the medication side effects (doxy nausea, prednisone weight gain, estrogen and progesterone mood swings). I've taken one for the team by completely changing my diet - it is July and I have not had one single scoop of ice cream this year. I love ice-cream. Ice-cream brings me joy. I haven't touched it. I haven't touched pretty much anything else that might be inflammatory/high carb/enjoyable/not optimal for fertility. I've gone to acupuncture, which I loathe. I've cut back on my own exercise habits and made time for meditation and fertility yoga. I've risked my career progress by stepping out for dozens of medical appointments. I have done all of this because I wanted our team to be able to win, together.
Now I find out that my team-mate, who I thought was on my side, has actually been helping the other guys steal bases and telling them the pitches we're going to throw. And he hasn't done that by accident, he's done that because it's felt good to him, so it's a conscious choice. Suddenly I feel completely alone, my entire sense of being a team is gone. Added to that, this season is my last shot at winning the pennant, or the title, or whatever the appropriate award is for this stupid analogy. It's my last shot because my body can't handle any more seasons, no matter how hard I train. But my team mate? He's young and zippy, and with a few months of training he can join a different team with great odds of winning that pennant. And worst of all, I'll still be stuck laundering that team's stinky uniforms and otherwise taking care of the team behind the scenes because they still can't do it without me. I'll still have to take one for the team, if we do DE IVF, even though I'm not a member of the team any longer.
That pretty solidly sums it up, although I extend my apologies to any sports fans. I have an appointment with a new therapist today. I think that's good and needed. So much complexity, so much hurt. One of the few silver linings of the last few years to me has been the feeling that DH and I were a better team than we've ever been. It made me feel good about the decision to have kids together. I don't want to be a single mom, in name or in practice, so operating as a team was critical to my desire for kids. All of a sudden, I'm questioning if we really are a team when things are at their hardest - when personal sacrifices have to be made. That hurts so badly.
While we haven't talked about it, because I don't think doing so right at this moment would be great for our marriage, I suspect DH is dealing with many emotions, too. Or maybe not. He doesn't read the research, he only listens to me with one ear when I mention it, so maybe he really doesn't understand what a big deal this is. I almost hope that's true. That would be nice.
For a long time now, I've been 'taking one for the team.' I've taken one for the good of the team by doing dozens of injections, and blood draws, and enduring far too many transvaginal ultrasounds. I've shoved pills and suppositories into my vagina for months at a time and lived with the raw, swollen state they create. Despite that raw and swollen condition, I've dutifully done my part when our RE tells us to have intercourse repeatedly. I've taken one for the team with all the medication side effects (doxy nausea, prednisone weight gain, estrogen and progesterone mood swings). I've taken one for the team by completely changing my diet - it is July and I have not had one single scoop of ice cream this year. I love ice-cream. Ice-cream brings me joy. I haven't touched it. I haven't touched pretty much anything else that might be inflammatory/high carb/enjoyable/not optimal for fertility. I've gone to acupuncture, which I loathe. I've cut back on my own exercise habits and made time for meditation and fertility yoga. I've risked my career progress by stepping out for dozens of medical appointments. I have done all of this because I wanted our team to be able to win, together.
Now I find out that my team-mate, who I thought was on my side, has actually been helping the other guys steal bases and telling them the pitches we're going to throw. And he hasn't done that by accident, he's done that because it's felt good to him, so it's a conscious choice. Suddenly I feel completely alone, my entire sense of being a team is gone. Added to that, this season is my last shot at winning the pennant, or the title, or whatever the appropriate award is for this stupid analogy. It's my last shot because my body can't handle any more seasons, no matter how hard I train. But my team mate? He's young and zippy, and with a few months of training he can join a different team with great odds of winning that pennant. And worst of all, I'll still be stuck laundering that team's stinky uniforms and otherwise taking care of the team behind the scenes because they still can't do it without me. I'll still have to take one for the team, if we do DE IVF, even though I'm not a member of the team any longer.
That pretty solidly sums it up, although I extend my apologies to any sports fans. I have an appointment with a new therapist today. I think that's good and needed. So much complexity, so much hurt. One of the few silver linings of the last few years to me has been the feeling that DH and I were a better team than we've ever been. It made me feel good about the decision to have kids together. I don't want to be a single mom, in name or in practice, so operating as a team was critical to my desire for kids. All of a sudden, I'm questioning if we really are a team when things are at their hardest - when personal sacrifices have to be made. That hurts so badly.
While we haven't talked about it, because I don't think doing so right at this moment would be great for our marriage, I suspect DH is dealing with many emotions, too. Or maybe not. He doesn't read the research, he only listens to me with one ear when I mention it, so maybe he really doesn't understand what a big deal this is. I almost hope that's true. That would be nice.
Sunday, July 29, 2018
Monitoring #: Too Many
I had my fourth consecutive monitoring appointment today. Several interesting things came out of it.
First, Amy the u/s tech is a lovely lady, but I will specifically request not to be seen by her in the future. It was another extremely painful u/s, which was bad. Worse, when I was done and asked about numbers, she said my lining was "almost to a 6". I told her I was disappointed that I'd regressed since yesterday's 6.18. At that point, she said, 'oh there were other measurements. One was 6.55, that was better, so we'll use that one.' And then she deleted the 5.85 she had and replaced it with the 6.55.
What. The. Fuck.
When DH and I called her on it, she said it was actually the better of the images she'd taken, so it was good. She also said "your lining can't get thinner, so it must be right."
Given that my estrogen dropped since yesterday, I have proof positive that she's wrong, but not much I can do now. I did have a long conversation giving feedback about this with the nurse when she called me with instructions later. I don't know if it will help, but I was not going to let that pass by.
Next, I got the final ultrasound report from yesterday. Turns out that unlike Amy, who told us I was at 22 and 19 for follicles, the report showed 20.5 and 17. Which completely explains why they didn't trigger me. My irritation level is high.
So, the outcome is that I trigger tonight. Estrogen is dropping, lining probably is too. I may or may not have mature follicles (I really don't trust Amy's measurements).
For comparison, here was the twins' cycle two years ago this month. The difference in response is almost unbelievable.
First, Amy the u/s tech is a lovely lady, but I will specifically request not to be seen by her in the future. It was another extremely painful u/s, which was bad. Worse, when I was done and asked about numbers, she said my lining was "almost to a 6". I told her I was disappointed that I'd regressed since yesterday's 6.18. At that point, she said, 'oh there were other measurements. One was 6.55, that was better, so we'll use that one.' And then she deleted the 5.85 she had and replaced it with the 6.55.
What. The. Fuck.
When DH and I called her on it, she said it was actually the better of the images she'd taken, so it was good. She also said "your lining can't get thinner, so it must be right."
Given that my estrogen dropped since yesterday, I have proof positive that she's wrong, but not much I can do now. I did have a long conversation giving feedback about this with the nurse when she called me with instructions later. I don't know if it will help, but I was not going to let that pass by.
Next, I got the final ultrasound report from yesterday. Turns out that unlike Amy, who told us I was at 22 and 19 for follicles, the report showed 20.5 and 17. Which completely explains why they didn't trigger me. My irritation level is high.
So, the outcome is that I trigger tonight. Estrogen is dropping, lining probably is too. I may or may not have mature follicles (I really don't trust Amy's measurements).
|
18-Jul
|
AFC
|
9
|
||||
|
Day
|
4
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
|
|
L follies
|
9.5, 8.5
|
15, 13.5
|
16, 14.5
|
17, 16, 10, 8
|
20, 18, 9, 9
|
|
|
R follies
|
11
|
16
|
19
|
20.5
|
23
|
|
|
E2
|
691
|
739
|
1232
|
1726
|
1634
|
|
|
P4
|
0.1
|
0.1
|
0.21
|
0.36
|
0.55
|
|
|
LH
|
1.58
|
3.03
|
6.2
|
11.54
|
11.25
|
|
|
Lining
|
5.2 triple
|
5.6 triple
|
5.7 triple
|
6.18 triple
|
6.55/5.85 triple
|
|
|
FSH
|
1000
|
1575
|
1850
|
2125
|
2350
|
|
|
Menopur
|
300
|
600
|
675
|
750
|
825
|
|
16-Jul
|
AFC
|
9
|
||
|
Day
|
4
|
7
|
8
|
|
|
L follies
|
12.5, 8, 8
|
19.5, 13.6, 7
|
22, 18, 7, 4
|
|
|
R follies
|
11, 9, 8.5
|
16.5, 15, 10, 8
|
18, 16, 10, 8
|
|
|
E2
|
803
|
1294
|
1690
|
|
|
P4
|
2.68
|
1.66
|
2.59
|
|
|
LH
|
8.24 miu
|
1.03
|
0.76
|
|
|
Lining
|
6.9 triple
|
6.9 triple
|
7.3 triple, cystic
patches
|
|
|
FSH
|
600
|
1050
|
1200
|
|
|
Menopur
|
|
0
|
0
|