Our first ultrasound was moved up to today. I started spotting brown again this morning, but I'm also throwing up. As far as prognostic indicators go, that seemed to cover all possible bases.
I haven't believed in intuition since I totally miss-guessed Quinn's gender. At the same time, my last two twin pregnancies, intuition said it was twins. This time, same thing. Intuition said twins, even though it was an unmedicated pregnancy and they're so unlikely in that situation.
Intuition wasn't completely off. One gestational sac with a FHR of 120 and a CRL equivalent to 6w1d. One completely empty sac. A vanished twin.
I really, really, really didn't want twins again. I didn't want the extra sickness. I didn't want the hospitalizations and prematurity. I didn't want an in-pregnancy cerclage on a uterus pregnant with twins. I didn't want the financial implications of another set of twins.
I didn't want twins. Why, then, do I feel so devastated about this?
The doctor said everything was perfect. I'm more than a bit concerned about the CRL, but I know that's subject to measurement error. I also know that a heart rate of 120 bodes well. I'll remain nervous until the next ultrasound in two weeks. Hell, I'll remain nervous until delivery. I'll also remain sad about our little Baby A, the one who didn't make it. These were babies 12 and 13, if I'm counting. That's just too many babies to lose and not be sad, no matter what you think of twins. For now, I'm hoping that come August I'll be able to tell myself '13 babies, 3 healthy, living children.'
First of all, congratulations! Second, how could you not be sad about little Baby A? I think you're reaction is perfectly normal. I can't wait to follow along with this pregnancy!
ReplyDeleteYes, very understandable to feel sad about Baby A. Sending care. And also Yay about healthy Baby B! Amazing and exciting! ❤️ Both feelings can be there together. I remember feeling a little sad that both our embryos didn’t make it (on our second IVF-first did not work) but overall the moon about the little bean that did.
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