When my mom was here, I made the mistake of sharing with her that we were considering naming these babies in honor of their big sisters: Alexander Quinn and Zoe Hope. It's an idea I tossed around. While I'm not super serious about it, it's a possibility. It seems like a way to honor our missing children in a positive way for those who are here. I also said that I am a mom to three, soon to be five, and that's not going to change no matter what. I don't foresee myself mentioning the girls much, but I do intend to celebrate their birthdays each year. I don't want these guys to grow up in anyone's shadow, but I still want to honor my girls.
A few weeks later my mom informed me that I shouldn't name the new babies after their big sisters. She said it would be too hard for them and they'd always feel subordinate to their missing siblings. She was pretty adamant about it. Mentioned a family friend who lost her first child to SIDS, and whose second child apparently always felt not good enough compared to his missing sister. I recall the second kid - He struggled with learning disabilities and his mom was both strict and a teacher, so perhaps his feelings had more to do with how that was handled than his sister, but who knows?
While I think we'll chose different names entirely of our own volition, the idea that I shouldn't mention my girls to their siblings to prevent them from being shadowed has really eaten at me.
Last week I attended my pregnancy after loss support group. It's facilitated by a nurse who had a stillbirth many years ago, then two living children. I mentioned the interaction with my mom, and she shared her experience which was super comforting to me. Specifically, she said that she used to celebrate her lost daughter's birthday each year. As her living son got older, he eventually told her that celebrating his sister's birthday made him realize how important HE was - that even if he wasn't there, he'd still be celebrated and loved. For him, it reinforced the notion that family is important, even if not all family members are here with us.
I love that. That's what I want to give all of my children. The facilitator also mentioned that she'd always set the context with her kids that it's ok to feel any emotion. It's ok to be sad that someone isn't there, and it's ok to not be sad, too. That really struck me, because the belief about emotions that I internalized from my mom was that sadness and grief are not ok, ever. You can be angry, you can be happy, but other than that, you should be strong, and strong women don't grieve. I don't know if that's the message she meant to give me, but it's what I got. It's not how I live my life, and it's not what I want for my kids, so the support group experience was so valuable to me.
I think your mom is speaking from a place of discomfort. She doesn’t live with parenting your daughters who are no longer here and is speaking from a culture that promotes stuffing feelings. I don’t think you should follow her advice AND I think you are completely in your right to tell her she’s out of line, even if she thinks she means well.
ReplyDeleteI love that you found someone who has lived through this who is sharing their experience with you. I love that she is giving you a model for honoring your girls. There’s so much value there and I think there’s so much good that will come.
Very sorry that your mom dropped all this judgement on you. Sadly, it’s quite a landline as you pointing that out will likely result in even more drama.
You know, your second to last sentence hit the nail on the head and perfectly summed up my mom: judgment. Everything in her world has a value judgment. Nothing ever just 'is'. I think I'm mostly angry at myself that I shared something I cared about with her, when knowing that she'd have a position (because she ALWAYS has a position). I didn't think she'd feel compelled to share that position, and I didn't think I'd be so hurt by it, but that was a bad misjudgment on my part. Live and learn, I guess.
DeleteWow, that support group experience was great. I love the idea that celebrating the siblings who aren't there makes the ones who are there feel more special. Isn't that perfect? And I hope you can find a way to do that with your children.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes to what Cristy said. To all of it.