I've talked about NICU logistics. That's ignored the elephant in the room, tho: NICU emotions. Every single day we were in the hospital, each time I would lay down in my hospital bed to get a few minutes of sleep, I would think to myself that I wanted nothing more than to start sobbing and just break down for a while. And each time that happened, I would tell myself that it would be OK to cry, OK to let it all out, but not just yet. I'd tell myself I just needed to wait a bit longer. I told myself I could schedule my breakdown for sometime when we were out of the NICU.
Why did I need that outlet so much? Why did I want to sob so badly, night after night for weeks? Well, my life long habit is to do a quick mental evaluation of how things are going before sleep each day. During the NICU stay, the answer was that every single thing related to my pregnancy, to my delivery, to the babies, and to my recovery was not what I'd hoped for, except for the most critical thing: my babies were alive and would someday come home.
It feels awful to complain about how 'bad' things were, when I knew A and T would be ok. Yet, the pregnancy was completely awful, as was what followed. I didn't get to hold my daughter for nearly a week. I didn't get to hold my son for nearly 24 hours. I was in so much pain that the thing I wanted most in life at that moment - to be with my babies constantly - was impossible. I didn't get to keep my babies safe. I had to watch them struggle and have medical interventions that were heartbreaking to see. Breastfeeding was a dud. I wasn't going to get to go home from the hospital with both my children. I had to introduce them to their grandparents amidst proof of flu shots and vats of hand sanitizer. Everything I might have hoped for, I didn't get. Except that they were alive. And that's really the crux, isn't it? I'd have given up any of those earlier hopes to have kept Alexis, Zoe, or Quinn alive. Thus, I was conflicted in the emotional pain I was feeling. Heck, I *still* am conflicted in the emotional pain I'm feeling.
The babies are 13 weeks now, and I no longer feel like sobbing due to dashed hopes. I might feel like sobbing due to lack of sleep, but that's somehow relieving as that's "normal". Someday I'll try to work through these emotions, but for this moment, I'll enjoy the snuggles and the everyday moments with my kids and be beyond thankful that we're all home safe together.
I can definitely understand you having conflicting feelings. Your grief and disappointment about the end of pregnancy/birth experience does not negate your joy and gratitude to have these sweet babies. I hope you can find space soon to process these feelings and maybe have a good cry. Sending lots of care. I also wanted to say how great I think it was that you both were able to stay in the room at the hospital and be with the babies as much as possible. Sounds like you made the best of a super challenging situation and the babies benefited a lot.
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