Vices & Grace

I've said before that I'm a long-game type of person. I make decisions now for my longer term benefit. Grad school, some early jobs, my approach to save vs. spend, all of those weighed longer term happiness over shorter term happiness. Because of that, I know I have the skill set to stay motivated today even though the results may not be seen till a far off tomorrow. Despite knowing that, it's still hard for me right now to keep focused on all the behavioral and lifestyle choices I made when trying to get and stay pregnant during 2016-2018. I'm pretty sure that the main reason for that is because the outcome of any of these choices feels so far removed right now.

I'm on stim day 3 today. Normally that timing would leave me at peak motivation for a clean diet, sound meditation strategy, and carefully crafted exercise plan. Yes, I understand that those things provide an illusion of control rather than actually improving my outcomes. Still, that illusion of control has been so important in the past. Moreover, the ability to feel that I did everything that was within my control is crucial to my long term mental health. In asking myself the 'why am I having trouble staying motivated now', two answers come up. One is that I haven't lost a pregnancy recently. Over the four cycles that led to T and A, I got more and more motivated to maintain strict lifestyle changes after each of those three miscarriages. I don't have that fresh pain changing my behavior right now. The other answer is that the tangible happy outcome is so far off that I can't quite use it to leverage my behavior today.

My crystal ball tells me that my timeline will go something like this, barring any catastrophic failures that end things earlier: 3 IVF cycles @ 2 months/cycle will wrap up in December. Two operative hysteroscopies to clear scar tissue, complete with balloon stent & estrogen, completed by March. New laproscopic cerclage and recovery complete by May. FET attempt 1, July transfer. That means I'm over a year out from the faintest possibility of a pregnancy. I know my July 2021 self will be really damn pissed at my June 2020 self, if I miscarry a euploid embryo from a cycle where I could have been more careful about diet or exercise. I still can't quite bring myself to drop my chocolate chip habit. Yes, chocolate chips in greek yogurt is my one remaining vice. Yes, I feel guilty for not giving it up.

Maybe the outcome of this first round will be enough to motivate me for the next two. Maybe the outcome will be so bad we'll stop here. Or so good that we won't have to do two more rounds. Either way, it's time for me to summon either the motivation to drop my vices, or the grace to forgive my current and future selves for them. I'll get on that, right after I have my yogurt!