Gift Horses and Role Models

 ​​​​​At Christmas, the husband and I had the start of an interesting conversation that I feel the need to unpack and think through. It’s also one that I’d love to hear others’ perspectives on.

As background, if “love languages” exist, mine is NOT gifts. Husband’s is NOT either. When we were younger, I’d put a lot of thought and money into gifts for him, and in our earlier dating years, he often didn’t reciprocate. In marriage, I found myself constantly being the one to have to come up with gifts for all the parents, or watch him scramble and spend double or triple on X-mas eve to get something for his mom and brother. X-mas eve, when I usually needed his help getting the house ready for guests, and since he was out, I didn't get that help. I decided enough was enough and suggested to all family that we stop exchanging gifts. Everyone except for his mom (whose love language might be gifts) was really happy about this.

Now we have kids. I look forward to giving them presents because of the obvious enjoyment. This Christmas the husband suggested that we needed to start giving each other gifts again to ‘role model’ appropriate gift giving to the kids. I had an almost visceral reaction against it, and I needed to process why in writing.

First, I think it’s more important to role model that consumer spending is not necessary, beneficial, or necessarily good. Giving X-mas gifts just to give gifts is probably the biggest example of conspicuous consumption or consumer behavior I can think of us engaging in. It doesn’t add value, it doesn’t bring joy, there is really no benefit at all that I perceive in giving a gift just to give a gift. Or in receiving a gift just to receive one. I don’t want my kids to learn consumer behavior, I want them to learn to identify when spending brings them or their loved ones value, and focus on that spending. 

Second, I wonder what lesson I'd be teaching. The lesson of waiting to the last minute and spending far more than necessary for an item that could have been purchased elsewhere or earlier for less? The lesson of bailing out on helping with joint responsibilities because you put off your own too long? The most charitable interpretation I can give for this last minute approach is that DH is aligning his values (of the convenience and lowered stress of not having to think of anything until the last minute) with his spending. I don't think procrastination is usually a beneficial life skill, so I'm not enthusiastic about modeling that. I am equally unenthusiastic about modeling a situation where one partner, the female one, takes on all the mental and practical load of gift giving. 

I think I'm also bothered by this idea of modeling love as shown through gifts. I have quite a few friends whose families showed love via gifts and not much else. I don't want that. I'm not really worried about that, as I'm pretty confident these kids will know they're loved and that their parents love each other, but it's a trap that I've witnessed too often to feel great about repeating.

There's something else that bugs me about this, and I can't even put my finger on what. Maybe someone else has an idea. Having said that, the great news about being married to a die-hard procrastinator is that I can be confident that unless I decide to do what he's asked and start giving him gifts, he won't actually do it himself, so this is all a moot point! 

As I've let this draft sit, I think I've figured out what the 'something else' is. I think the last, perhaps biggest, thing that bugs me is that we'd be doing this because it's a societal norm. I *really* don't like doing things just because they're norms. I want my kids to learn to evaluate their options and decide based on their own values and preferences what they'll do or not do. I don't want them feeling as if they have to conform just to conform. Not to say that non-conformity is the path to happiness, but I think my life has been vastly easier ever since the point that I stopped giving a damn what other people think about my actions/appearance/beliefs, and focused on what was intrinsically important to me. I desperately hope I can give them the self confidence to find the beat of their own drum and take joy from following it.