Cart, Horse.

This is putting the cart way before the horse, since I don't know if I'll have working tubes or a clear uterus, but if I do, I want to cycle again when my next period starts, probably in another 15 - 20 days. I've been trying to figure out why I want to get going again so badly, and I realized it's a mix of things. I've tried to explain below.

Spoilers

I am someone who always reads the end of a book first. I always look up the spoilers for TV shows I'm watching on Netflix. Why? Because otherwise I get so utterly stressed out about what will happen to the characters that I don't enjoy the book/show. If I find out the ending first, my stress level drops, even if I know it won't be a happy ending. Once I know how things will end, be it happy, sad, or otherwise, I'm able to relax and enjoy the book/show. Yes, I know how stupid this is when we're talking fiction. That doesn't change my experience.

That applies here, too. There aren't going to be any spoilers for how our TTC story ends, so that's not an option. But each extra month I'm not cycling is day that I could have been closer to finding out the ending and relieving the stress. We've said we'll do 3 medicated cycles. After that, we'll consider IVF. Either way, my intent, for my own sanity, is to be done by the end of the year. Either we'll be pregnant, or I'll put an IUD back in and call it done. If we can get there sooner, that's less ongoing stress on me.

Action

My reaction to deep stress is always to become more action oriented. The more stress I'm under, the more likely you are to find detailed to-do lists, a clean house, and an organized life. It's like I know there are things I can't control (e.g., getting pregnant), so I offset that by things I can control (cleaning, housework, finances). Sitting around and doing nothing when I'm stressed makes it worse. So if my tubes are working, I'm ready to stop sitting and take action. I still can't control getting pregnant, but I'll feel vastly better that I'm doing something, rather than nothing.

Anniversaries/Milestones

In the next few months, we have several tough dates coming up. The girls' due date will be in early April. Mothers Day is in May. If I play the wildly over optimistic card, the dates are likely to work out such that a successful March cycle would put our first ultrasound within a day or two of Alexis and Zoe's due date. I know the chances are infinitesimally small, but I would love to know my girls are watching over their siblings on such an important date if we were to get pregnant. Also, the girls' first ultrasound was on the due date from my first loss. I was expecting another MMC, so seeing those two heartbeats felt like the best news in years. I still think the girls' sibling was up there watching over them. It would seem right, in a circular way, to have my next u/s on their due date.

Life

I'm making conscious choices in my daily life for the purpose of getting pregnant. No alcohol. Almost no processed foods, no added sugars. I'm taking 19 pills a day (Ubiquinol x3, L-Agrinine x2, PNV, Pycnogenol, Acai, DHA x2, etc.). I'm utterly sick of the side effects from the PNV. The supplement cost runs over $100/month. It's 100% worth it if it helps avoid another miscarriage or stillbirth, but I want to be done with this as soon as possible. Another month delay means another month of living life prioritizing reducing changes of miscarriage over normal life.

Biking

I enjoy biking. I can not wait for spring to get on my bike and ride. When I ride, it's for hours. But that's not the best idea if I'm trying to get pregnant. If we try March, April, May, then I'll still have June - September to enjoy riding my bike with no concerns about the impact of endurance sports on TTC. Every month we delay is one less month of nice riding weather I can get.

So, I'm ready. I'm ready to try again. Now I hope and pray that my body will allow that.