How it Ended

This is the last part of Zoe and Alexis’s story. I’m going to share what I remember, and what I know must have happened. In light of how sick I was, I’m sure I’ve lost time, and probably some of these memories are inaccurate. I hate that, but then I hate most everything about what happened.

When we arrived at the hospital, they took me down for another ultrasound, to see if Alexis still had fluid. The good news was that she did, but Zoe’s AFI was zero. They told me that Alexis’s water hadn’t broken, which I still don’t believe. They also couldn’t see my cervix, because Alexis’s head was blocking it on the ultrasound. I went back up to L&D triage, and they hooked me up to the contraction monitors. I was having measurable contractions at that point. One of the OBs from my group came in. She told me that I did seem to be having contractions, but since Alexis’ water hadn’t broken, I could go home or she could admit me, it was my choice.

I was honestly confused by this. I was in labor and told her I’d rather stay as I didn’t want to have the babies at home. That seemed dangerous. She agreed it would be better if I stayed. Since it seemed likely I would deliver, we decided to do an internal exam. We hadn’t done one up until then to reduce the risk of infection. However since it seemed like this was the end, the infection risk didn’t matter. She checked me and reported I was 2 cm dilated. Just as she was about done, she said “Wait a minute.” Then she paused, and then she told me, “I can feel a foot.” I had logically known we were at the end before then, but emotionally I’d still been holding out hope. When she told me she could feel Alexis’s foot, though, that was it. We agreed that I’d be moved to a room in L&D and we’d focus on pain management from that point forward. Somewhere in there, someone told me that I should expect to deliver the next morning.

I was taken to a room in L&D. They gave me the last room at the end of the hallway. It was a nice room – two windows and a decent but tiny bathroom. They gave me dilaudid, which made me feel drunk and cut back on the pain. I could feel the contractions, and they weren’t pleasant, but they actually hurt far less than my digestive system did. I’ve known a few people who said their epidurals wore off before delivery, and I wanted to avoid that, so I wanted to delay the epidural as long as possible. I made it about 2 – 3 hours on the dilaudid, and then got the epidural, and it was wonderful to be out of physical pain for the first time in a week. I shook pretty badly right after the epidural was started, but it stopped after a while when I was able to relax.

The nurses encouraged me to get sleep over night, and they’d check me the next morning. DH made a bed on the folding couch in my room, and my Dad and MIL camped out in the hallway next to my room and in the waiting room. I wasn’t in a good place physically or mentally at this point, so I wasn’t super aware of anything happening outside my room.

I woke up early Monday morning to a sunbeam shining in the window, across my belly. Every single day I was pregnant, I’d wake up early (insomnia) and I’d put my hand on my belly and talk to the babies. Seeing the sun across them that morning seemed like some kind of sign, so I spent some time telling them they would always, always be loved, and that their great grandparents would be waiting for them, that I was so grateful to have gotten to be their mom and I wouldn’t ever forget them.

Eventually the nurses and my doctor came in. My doctor checked me and said she could feel Alexis, so I should try pushing. I didn’t track the number of pushes or the time at all, but Alexis Marie was born at 7:45 am. The nurses cleaned her and gave her to DH and I to hold. She was so beautiful. She had a perfect little nose, and mouth and eyes. I’ve never loved anyone so much or hurt so badly. DH invited MIL and my dad in, and they got to hold her and say goodbye too.

At that point, my doctor told me that Zoe hadn’t moved enough to deliver, and I was still only 8 cm dilated. She put me on Pitocin and said she’d check me again later. Thus, Pitocin was started.

At this point, my memory gets really fuzzy. Sometime around 3 that afternoon I had maxed out the Pitocin, and it was determined that I still wasn’t ready to deliver. I don’t remember being checked, and I remember wanting to try pushing although not feeling any need to do so. My doctor (who I don’t remember seeing) ordered a high dose or oral cytotec. She probably did check me, but like I said, I don’t remember any of that. I remember looking at the cytotec pills and being nervous, because they were pills, so if it didn’t go well, I would have to wait for them to wear off. Apparently that was foreshadowing. I also realized the epidural was wearing off, so I asked the nurse about getting it topped off again.

Within minutes of taking the pills, I started having fully body convulsions. It was like the epidural shaking, but so much worse. I couldn’t open my eyes, no matter how hard I tried. I started to hyperventilate, and realized it, so I focused all my energy on calming my breathing, but my whole body was convulsing all over. If I focused with everything I had on relaxing, I could minimize the convulsions, but as soon as a contraction would hit, they’d start again. DH was trying to touch me, but his touching me was like more stimulus to make the convulsions worse. If I paid attention to anything at all other than relaxing, they’d just take over.

Somewhere in there, I thought I might have been pushing, but it was impossible to tell what was real and what was spasms, and talking was nearly impossible too, so I didn’t say anything. I remember hearing them page my doctor repeatedly, but she never came. Because Zoe was born at 5:45 pm, I know I must have pushed her out. It must have been during that period, but I truly don’t know. I remember hearing the anesthesiologist come in. I remember hearing that they couldn’t get my pulse or blood pressure any more. I remember feeling all the contractions. I remember the anesthesiologist taking charge of the room, ordering epinephrine, and getting my blood pressure back. I remember hearing someone say that the placenta wouldn’t deliver, and hearing the anesthesiologist saying that we needed an OR because they couldn’t fix that in the room. I remember hearing him order an OR for us, and telling the people in my room that he wanted that OR ready by the time we got down there, and he wanted blood waiting for us by then, and he wanted an OB waiting, because there wasn’t time to lose.

I remember yelling at DH to tell Zoe I loved her. I still couldn’t open my eyes, and physically trying to talk was so hard, but I needed her to know. I think I also told him to say goodbye to her for me. I remember feeling my bed moving down the hall pretty quickly and feeling it hit the wall hard. There was construction on the L&D floor, and the hallway was partially blocked by it. I remember the doctor saying something about the bed, and everyone getting their hands clear, and we backed up and were moving again. I remember feeling the elevator, hearing the doctor sarcastically ask for “a little help here” to move me from my bed to the operating table. I remember someone taking my sock off, starting another IV, putting an oxygen mask over my face, and then feeling someone’s fingers right at the base of my throat. My last conscious thoughts were “why would someone be feeling my Adam’s apple?” and then “they’re going to intubate me. This must be worse than I thought.”

I woke up in post op around 10 that night. I was told that I had hemorrhaged severely. My OB had done a d&c to remove the retained placenta. They’d done a blood transfusions and when I seemed stable, I’d been taken to post-op and my DH had been informed all was well. At some point after that, before I regained consciousness, I’d started to hemorrhage again. It was bad enough that they didn’t even inform DH, just took me back for surgery again. They were able to stop the bleed that time. Eventually I was taken up to a bed in critical care, and after another blood transfusion there the next morning, I was returned to L&D for one more night, while they kept me on antibiotics to deal with the massive infection I’d had. I never saw or held Zoe. They’d have brought her to me the next day, but I knew she’d have been in the morgue. I didn’t want to remember her cold and still. I just didn’t think I could handle that, so I never saw her. DH tells me she looked like her sister, which is a very “guy” kind of a description, but it’s how I’ll remember her.

Wednesday afternoon I was discharged. My nurse was Jeni – the same lovely woman who had been with me during my first admission. All of the nurses were amazing, but it was nice to see Jeni one last time before leaving. When she wheeled me out to the curb so DH could pick me up, she realized that another nurse and new mom with baby were waiting at the pickup door. Without saying anything, Jeni found another place for me to wait, so I didn’t have to be there with the other happy couple who were taking their baby home. I’m grateful for that.

Those are my memories. They’re not pretty. It took three months for me to be out of constant physical pain. I will always regret that I never saw or held Zoe right after she was born. I know I got extremely lucky that the hemorrhaging stopped and I kept my uterus. It could have easily gone the other way. I feel like I should have some great closing for this entry, but I don’t. The only closing that I have is that I’m a mom to two beautiful girls, and I miss them. Zoe, Alexis – I love you.