Microblog Monday: Something Ugly

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I've tried to be honest in this blog, even about ugly subjects. I feel the need to address one of the ugliest: gender disappointment. I was open during Alexis and Zoe's pregnancy that I preferred girls, and part of my unmitigated joy during their pregnancy was because they were both female.

When I got pregnant with Quinn, I spent the first 12 weeks convinced I was having a boy. There was a constant,  almost physically painful disappointment associated. I felt gutted that I'd gone from a pregnancy that was everything I could have dreamed of - twin girls - to something less - a single boy. Finding out Quinn was a girl brought the most amazing relief and joy. I sobbed sharing the news with family.

Oddly enough, this pregnancy I didn't feel the same level of worry about the babies' sexes. I had a preference for girls, but there wasn't the almost physical need to have two girls that I'd felt with Quinn. Likewise, there wasn't the deep preference I'd felt with Alexis and Zoe. I have no idea what changed, but something did.

The only time I felt really upset about the babies' sexes was when people would comment on how great it would be to "have one of each." I always wanted to respond that it would have been even greater to have the two girls we initially expected and wanted.

Now that the babies are here, there is zero disappointment. Zero regret about having "one of each" rather than two girls. While I can remember how many emotions related to my pregnancies felt, I can't even bring back the feeling of wanting only girls. I can bring back the fear from past pregnancies. I can bring back the grief over loss and NICU time. I can bring back the uncertainty if I'd ever get pregnant, or the anger over DH's SCSA results. I can't bring back anything related to gender disappointment. My family feels absolutely perfect the way it is.

Sometimes things go horribly wrong and work out in ways that are unexpectedly heart wrenching. I think I had forgotten that sometimes they go right and work out in ways that are unexpectedly heartwarming. I am thrilled that the babies I've got fall under the later category.