I mentioned struggling emotionally while in the NICU. That's not the only way I've struggled. Life after loss is complex. There are so many conflicting emotions. My biggest struggle is how to look at past versus present.
I look at A and T and I love them so much. I can't imagine not having them in my life, getting to see them become the people they are going to be. I am so utterly grateful to get this chance. And yet, if Alexis and Zoe, or Quinn had survived, A and T would never have been born. So being completely grateful for them leaves me feeling disloyal to their big sisters.
At the same time, I can't bring myself to wish that A & T weren't here, because they are and I love them more than anything. It feels that no matter how I look at things, I'm being hurtful to some of my children: either Alexis, Zoe, and Quinn if I'm unreservedly happy about A and T, or to A and T if I feel sadness that I'm not getting to experience raising their big sisters.
I know this is all guilt I'm foisting upon myself, but I don't have a resolution for it. Maybe I don't need one, either. Maybe the reality is that life after loss is complex, and emotions are complex, and it's ok to feel what you feel. Maybe someday I'll believe that enough to forgive myself for those feelings.
This is such a real post. i haven't gotten pregnant since my current loss, and I've been feeling super guilty at the thought of trying again.
ReplyDeleteYou did absolutely everything you could to try to save Alexis, Zoe and Quinn. I wonder if what you are feeling is displaced anxiety over A and T. It's terrifying to be a new parent, and maybe you are just worried about your babies. I had two miscarriages prior to my IVF working, and I was terrified throughout my pregnancy. But my experience as a parent isn't primarily about loss (I had two children before age related infertility struck with my third) so it was less anxious for me than pregnancy. Best of luck to you and I hope you are able to get (at least some) sleep.
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