Second, I believe that every child deserves to be loved unconditionally by his or her parents. I know the world doesn't work that way, but I'd like it to, anyhow. As for the child, he or she can feel whatever they want in return.
I grew up with the strong belief that my parents only loved me conditionally. As far back as I can recall, I've known they did not want kids. They didn't even like kids. I was definitely not the exception. Whether intentional, unintentional, inaccurate, or accurate, throughout my childhood I felt that their love only came from meeting certain conditions: perfect grades, perfect behavior, being the child that best matched their wants. Alas, knowing that no child could match their wants made that an impossible task.
I was extremely fortunate because my grandparents retired and cared for me. They gave me all the unconditional love a child could hope for. I am so grateful to them for their presence in my life. . . and I'm also grateful to my parents for all the positive things they gave me that don't fit into this post.
Now, unconditional love isn't the same as unconditional support. If T turns out to be an axe-murderer, or A a Trump supporter, I'll still love them both, but I won't support their decisions. Maybe that's some sort of false dichotomy, but it feels fair to me.
When I look at A and T, I hope they'll know and feel my unconditional love as far back as they can recall. As for how they feel about me, well, my mother in law snapped the photo below of me holding Tess. Given the look on her face, maybe, just maybe, I'm getting a bit of unconditional love in return right now.
I really liked this post. I’ve thought a lot about this topic, as well. My mom passed away when I was young and even though my dad remarried, I felt like a bit of the odd duckling in the family and didn’t have that unconditional love mom relationship. My dad could be fun and loving but was generally pretty emotionally distant. I had my grandparents too, especially my grandma, which did make all the difference. I think it means a great deal for a child to have that security. Even though a child may say they hate their parents, I don’t think they ever stop loving their parents or wanting their love and approval, barring horrific abuse, which I don’t even like to think about. I love that picture and her expression is priceless.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sad to hear that you had a similar childhood experience with regard to love. I think you hit the key word: security. Unconditional love means the security to try and fail and learn from it. I never felt failure was an option, I never had that security. I had a past boss comment that the best CEOs were men whose daddies didn't love them, because they have this drive to always be perfect. Barring the blatant sexism, that always rang a bit too true for comfort!
DeleteI'm so sorry for your childhood experiences, and grateful that you had grandparents who could provide what your parents could not. I love that photo at the end... This beautiful moment of love between parent and child that you can give and receive in your own family. (And I live that your two examples of choices you would not approve of are axe murdering and Trump supporting... Ha!)
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