Then and Now

As the weeks pass with A and T, I'm struck by some of the differences in how I think now versus how I've thought and what I've experienced with past pregnancies. It's been interesting to me to observe the positives and the negatives, the similarities and the differences.

Overall, I'm grateful that my history isn't getting in the way of enjoying every moment with the babies, although it appears to have impacted my view of the future. Perhaps that's a good thing. I've spent so much of my life living for the future (e.g., "when I finish grad school, I'll . . ..", "when I get a promotion, I'll. . .", "when I have a living child, I'll. . ."). Maybe the true positive to come from all the pain and loss is that the now takes priority over the 'when', and is celebrated and savored in its own right.

What's Changed?

After giving birth to Alexis, Zoe, and Quinn, I'd wake up in the morning and after a split second be slammed by the painful realization that they were gone. It hurt, and it would be weeks before each wakening wasn't accompanied by that realization and pain. I hoped for a future 'when' it wouldn't hurt so much.

After giving birth to A and T, I'm slammed by the alarm waking me up to pump after no more than 2 hours of sleep. The middle of the night wakings are painful because I'm so tired, but the instant memory of why I'm doing this -the now that is A and T - makes it worthwhile.

When pregnant with Alexis, Zoe, and Quinn, I often thought about their future and what I wanted for them. I imagined family traditions and activities we'd engage in as they grew older. I looked forward to creating so many memories with them.

With A and T, I've found myself consciously cutting myself off when I think of plans for more than the immediate future. For example, when looking at the fire pit in our yard, I thought for a moment of the fun they might have hosting parties with their friends as teens, but then I forced myself to stop dreaming that far out. I know the reaction is the result of so much pain due to lost future dreams, and while there's no reason to think we won't have a long future with A and T, apparently my brain isn't ready to let me move that far ahead.

What's the Same?
With Alexis and Zoe's pregnancy, from the moment I knew they were healthy girls, despite the morning sickness, I enjoyed everything. With Quinn, I loved every moment of movement, every ultrasound.

With A and T, I'm enjoying every moment, every milestone. Last week the babies started 'talking' and I'm almost awestruck talking back to them and enjoying it all. Tess is smiling like crazy and I'll do just about anything to get to enjoy one of those smiles. Aaron started grinning this week, just after his sister. I enjoy every second. They've both found their hands in the last two weeks, and I am endlessly enraptured by watching them suck their thumbs or lick their fists. It's amazing and wonderful.