Although we've had a good regroup with CCRM, and have a plan for the next few cycles, I'm trying to be really thoughtful about what path to take if those fail. Do we move to DE IVF? Do we stop and enjoy being DIN(living)Ks?
Partly it feels as if I'm back to our original decision: do we want to have kids or not? I know that either path will include extreme joy, extreme sadness, opportunities, defeats, and more. In other words, either path will be good.
With the knowledge that either path will be good, I'm trying to decide what will leave me with the least regret.
If we stop, we get to move on with our lives immediately. No limbo, no more months of waiting for news that might be good or might not. No more spending thousands on medical treatments with nothing to show for it. Heck, we might be able to take vacations, I could have ice-cream again - the possibilities are limitless! That sounds appealing. That sounds relieving. But I've held my baby, and that meant everything to me. I've been pregnant, and felt her move and there's so much I would give to have that again. I see friends with families and the joy that brings. I know there will be regret if we don't try to pursue that option.
If we try DE IVF, we might end up with a living baby. But we might also spend $40k and get no embryos. Or BFNs. Or have another early miscarriage. Or another late loss. When I tell people what we've been through, I mention that only someone who is insane would still be trying, but even as I say that, I'm secretly proud to be that insane person who isn't giving up. When I think about spending $40k to go through another late loss and be forced to have a c-section to deliver - in other words, spending $40k to make my life a living hell and possibly permanently physically compromise myself - I realize it's something only an insane person would do and I'm not sure I'm willing to be that insane. There is no secret feeling of pride when I "try on" that possible future.
Clearly, importantly, this isn't my decision to make alone. DH's opinion is everything. But I'm usually the 'driver' of big decisions. I'm the one with the spreadsheet and the pro/con list and the plan. And part of being that one is that I feel a deep need to have a position of my own on this topic. I don't yet.
Something tells me that this one isn't going to be easy.
Nothing about this is easy. But I'm going to point out that "giving up" isn't a sign of weakness. Is it easier to stay on the treadmill, or to say "enough"? Both are really difficult, and both take courage.
ReplyDeleteIt's not "giving up" either. If you feel, deep down, that you are ready, then it is a positive choice to turn towards life, towards the rest of your life, and is a decision to embrace that.
Thank you. This very much got me thinking, and I can assure that this response is long considered. Where I'm coming from is that any time you stop pursuing something you were working on - whether you're stopping because you have a better idea, or you're stopping because you no longer want it, or you're stopping because it's too much work and you're done - I see that as giving up. No value judgement implied, because you might be giving up for wonderful reasons, but it's giving up the original pursuit, nonetheless. I totally agree that giving up can be a positive choice.
DeleteAs for the question of if it's easier to stay on the treadmill or get off. . . I wish I knew the answer! :) In my life, I've accomplished many things that people (including myself) thought I couldn't accomplish because I was too stubborn to stop trying. With one exception, every one of those situations has worked out well. Being stubborn, and not giving up, they've served me really well over the years, and helped me reach a place in my life that I feel truly grateful to be at. All that positive reinforcement makes it hard to know the right path now. But I also know from that one exception situation, that stubborn can outweigh smart to my detriment. I just don't know if this is another time where my stubborn is outweighing my smart.
This is exactly what makes it all so hard. I think I'm going to steal your words in the future. That at times, stubborn can outweigh smart. Well put.
DeleteI guess my comment on the words "giving up" was that it has such a negative connotation in our society, and pretty much always implies weakness. When I strongly dispute that. So I'm glad that when you use it for yourself, it doesn't come with a value judgement. This process is hard enough without having to deal with that! Wishing you the best.
This is not at all an easy decision but I think your way of taking the path with the least regrets makes the most sense.
ReplyDeleteCan I ask why you're not considering surrogacy (along with all the other options there)?
Maybe don't rush the decision but give yourselves a couple of months to mull over it and see how you feel?
There are several reasons why surrogacy isn't for us. One is financial. With my DOR, we'd be looking at several rounds of IVF for a normal embryo, plus surrogacy costs. That's really not feasible. Another is practical: surrogates lose babies, too. Surrogates get pre-e, and CI, and abruptions. A surrogate would probably be safer than I, but it's not a guarantee. The last one is personal/emotional: I almost died during delivery with the twins. I can't ask another person to take that risk for me. I know the risk is incredibly small, but I've lived it. I have complete respect and total support for anyone who uses a surrogate, and if I hadn't had the experiences I've had, I'm sure I would feel differently. I'm willing to risk another pregnancy of my own because I know that I can survive another late loss. I don't think I could survive if something went wrong for a surrogate carrying my child.
DeleteNever an easy decision and like Mali said, what ever you decide it's okay. Giving up is not a sign of weakness at all. Hugs and sending positive vibes your way.
ReplyDeleteNot an easy decision by any stretch of imagination. Whatever you decide will be the right one for you.
ReplyDelete