Wednesday, April 29, 2020

Moot Point

My prior post focused on the decision to proceed with an attempt for a third. That glosses over the fact that at 40, with an AMH of .5 and IVF as our only option, our probability of having a live birth is probably in the 5-30% range. I am nothing if not a realist, so I know the entire debate over having a third or not could be entirely moot. Still a decision to proceed with IVF (or not) must be made now. If we're going to decide to stick with two kids, then there's no need to proceed with IVF. The end result of all of this is that I feel like I'm constantly putting the cart before the horse when talking about if we should have a third, since the chance is so low, while simultaneously feeling like it's in my best interest to have the cart sorted out before attempting to buy a horse!

My biggest concerns: Money. Physical misery associated with a new TAC/c-section/Asherman's surgeries. Messing up the awesome that is our current life.

DH's biggest concerns: Revisiting the trauma of more hospital time/medical procedures/late losses. Waiting longer to do things important to him, like travel and bike riding with the kids. Getting stuck in the fertility treatments/surgery/waiting loop we've been in for years in the past (this probably boils down to the first two). Disagreeing with me on how to spend money when finances become tighter with another kid.

People, including my therapist, have asked how I can consider the idea of going through the physical hell I've been through before, with TAC/HG/C-section. My only answer is that I've always been a long-game type of person. I'm betting that as hellish as the physical recovery will be, it'll be worth it in the long run to have another child. This morning, I asked T for a hug. She came running over and buried her head in my shoulder. That, right there, that's worth an awful lot of physical misery. So I think my cart is firmly on the 'let's try to get a horse' train. And I appreciate that if the horse doesn't come through, the ache won't be the same as it was before A&T. Now if I can just hold on to that perspective throughout the road ahead.

Monday, April 27, 2020

Complex Choices

I have been mostly silent in this space on thoughts about trying for a sibling. Outside this space, I’ve talked to my therapist, to DH, and to myself. I can’t speak to the therapist, but DH and I find ourselves conflicted. It’s complicated.

 We both agree that we’d be thrilled if another baby showed up on the doorstep tomorrow. At the same time, we both agree that another baby would interfere with some of our hopes and dreams for the future. We disagree on which hopes and dreams, and we’re unclear on how to prioritize the ‘thrilled’ against the ‘postponed/lost hopes and dreams.’ As I said, complicated.

 We also both agree that our family right now is amazing. Everyone said this age is fun, and they were so right. The kids are interactive, funny, and overall delightful. I wanted living kids, but was unprepared for just how awesome they would be. Would a third amp that ‘awesome’ up, or strain it? At least at the moment we have a 1:1 parent to kid ratio. We’d lose that with a third. T is already a great “big” sister to A, would it get better with a true ‘little’ sibling, or would the reduced attention on her cause a negative cascade? It’s complicated.

 I thought that the question might be answered for us medically, but it wasn’t. My first PP cycle came, and I went back to the RE, who by some miracle was still doing testing. My AFC was 9. That’s the best it’s ever been. My AMH was .5. That’s .1 higher than it was 4 years ago. My RE called me “stable” and said she’s game to proceed to IVF if we are. She said our situation is time sensitive enough we could start with my next CD1, despite our state’s SAH orders. DH wasn’t ready. I am ready, but I still wonder if I should be.

 So there you have it. Lots and lots of talking, but no more answers that I had 6 months ago. I *think* we’ll try a round of IVF in May/June and see how I respond. We can make decisions from there. It’s complicated, but that kicks the ball down the road and perhaps gives us a medical answer after all.

Friday, April 24, 2020

Baby Book: 14 Months

T and A turn one year, adjusted, today. It's hard to believe that it's been a full year since we brought them both home from the NICU. Overall, things are going really well. They're growing, developing on track, and are just a pleasure to be around (most of the time). They've caught up to their un-adjusted age's growth curves and seem to be hitting most developmental milestones on an unadjusted track. Eating is the one thing that's challenging, as both are very picky eaters and don't really want any solid solids. Outside of breakfast foods (eggs, oatmeal, yogurt), and fruit (pureed), the list of foods both will eat is near zero. Even traditional kid favorites like Mac N' Cheese or chicken nuggets are often rejected. Veggies are even harder to work in. I'll keep trying and remind myself that they're above the median on their growth curves, so unlikely to starve.

For the milestone list.

  • A is fantastic at standing up unaided. He'll go from crouching to standing, turn around to look at things, lift things, and otherwise be really stable.
  • A has just, in the last two days, started to take unaided steps. As of today he'll routinely take 3-4 steps to someone waiting with open arms. It baffles me how he can stand so steadily, but tips over the instant he tries to walk. 
  • A loves climbing the stairs. If you let him loose, he'll race up to the top, and whoever is waiting up there is greeted with a HUGE grin as his little face peeks over the top step. He'll then crawl off to explore the rest of the house. 
  • A's gotten his first four molars in, and I think there might be a canine about to emerge. 
  • If you don't move fast enough when feeding him, A loves to chomp on the spoon and  hold on for dear life. He also loves to feed himself with the spoon if you put food on it. He is very happy, but it is not the cleanest process ever! ;)
  • A seems to have learned the sign for milk, and will say 'all done' aloud when he's done eating. He still won't sign "more". 
  • A is part puppy dog, and loves to chomp things in his mouth and then crawl off with them. He also drools like crazy and still spits up a lot, so our carpet is covered in blankets we wash every night. He and his sister love to each pull the blanket up off the carpet in different places and wait for mommy or daddy to come grab them up and tell them no. Every morning after their bottles when I leave them alone to run upstairs and start the wash, I'll find them both sitting on the floor, rolled up in the blankets that they've pulled up! It's a favorite game.

  • T is a walking machine. Even when she can crawl somewhere faster, she'll find a wall or person and stand up so she can walk.
  • T can't stand up unaided like A can. She needs something vertical to push off against. 
  • T can point out her nose, her mouth and her tummy. If you ask her to bring you something, she'll find it and carry it over. If you ask her to play music when she's holding a toy that has sound, she'll take whatever action that toy needs to start playing. I continue to be impressed by her receptive language. 
  • During play, T will routinely try to pass toys to her brother or the adult playing with her. She knows he likes to hold things in his mouth, so she always tries to put the toy in his mouth. With an adult, sometimes she wants you to pass them back, sometimes not. 
  • T continues to be the one that needs attention and has strong opinions. She cries when she doesn't get what she wants. I feel bad for her brother because this often means I spend more time with her as he's pretty mellow left on his own, whereas she's meltdown city. 
  • T has gotten good with stacking cups and rings, and is starting to correctly use the shape sorter. She'll bring you her books to read, although she gets distracted immediately. 
  • T is happy to climb stairs, but keeps trying to walk up them instead. She's not quite tall enough and this frustrates her to no end!