Failing My Girls

One of the hardest things about losing Alexis, Zoe, and Quinn was the feeling that I couldn't protect them. I tried, but it was out of my control and I completely failed to protect them.

The other hardest thing was that, at least with Quinn, I knew what to do to protect her, and the doctors ignored/didn't believe/wrote me off.

I am somehow back in the hell of being unable to protect my girls and unable to get medical professionals to take me seriously.

A has had issues with aggression since around age 3.25. We've been seeing a pscyhologist and OT since age 3.5. That gave him new skills, and reduced the aggressions some, but did not eliminate them. I worried that he'd get a reputation as, "that kid" at school when he started K. So we started medication shortly after he turned 5. The medication plus the skills made a huge difference. I could cook dinner for 20 minutes, or clean up after for 20, and let the kids play with each other on the same floor with no one getting hurt. Mornings were even better, with hours of collaborative play.

Then he woke up June 1 as if a light switch had flipped. Now I couldn't step away for 2 minutes, without him really hurting his sisters. He'd be happily sitting at the breakfast table making up Paw Patrol stories one second, then stabbing them with a fork the literal next second. I couldn't walk away to get a second helping if someone asked, or help E use the potty, or get a towel to clean a spill, or anything, without him hurting someone. He'd just transition from happy to violent in an instant. 

MrLines and I tried everything we could think of. More frequent therapy. Emergency medication change. Hours a day of dedicated A and Daddy 1:1 time, in case this was attention seeking behavior. The violence didn't waver at all. A shut T's arm in the door. He pushed E down the stairs. He bruised my ribs by kicking me there, and stabbed me in the hand so badly I couldn't use my thumb for a few days. He and T were still sharing a room, and for the first time ever, he'd wake up early (unsual for him), and before anything at all happened, he'd walk over to T's bed and hit her while she slept.

And just like that, I'm back in the hell where I can't protect my girls. My beautiful, living, breathing, thinking girls, who both now flinch when A runs toward them. It's the damdest thing, because 30% of the time when he comes over, it's to give a hug or a kiss, or to bring them a toy or play. Of course, when they flinch, or I block him because I assume he's going to hit, not hug, it reinforces with him this message that he's not safe, and it makes the behaviors worse. So not only can I not protect my girls, I'm damaging my little boy when I try to do so. He seems genuinely distraught by some of this. He can't figure out what's happening with him any more than we can. He is so sad, as is T, that we moved him into a different room. 

This is long enough I'll save the 'writing me off' part for another day, but I'm struggling. In some very real ways, this is worse than losing the older girls. That was a moment that was out of my control and then a lifetime of missing them. And I don't think they ever actually knew that I failed them. This is an ongoing failure on my part to help any of my kids. The girls are looking to me to protect them, and I can't make it work 100% of the time. Closing T's arm in the door? We were coming home from school and T and A got out of the car first, because they can undo their own buckles. In the time it took me to get E out of her seat, A had done that to T. It doesn't help that T and E won't always follow my instructions like, "stay in the kitchen with me until I put the food away." or "T, come to the bathroom with me while I help E with the potty." They want free range of the house, and in pushing past me to go where they want to go, they make themselves vulnerable to their brother. When they do that, I lose physical separation I'd bee maintaining, and someone gets hurt. So I'm failing, every single day, and I don't know what to do. 

This Sucks

Kids are getting bigger. E will be 3 soon, and she remains easy and delightful. She tells jokes, is silly, and when she gets upset, she's usually quite easy to redirect into happy giggles. She did preschool last year, and although she was the youngest in her class, her teachers said she was ahead of many peers by year end. She's a ton of fun and often the bright spot in my day.

T is 5, and will start K in September. She's got an incredible memory, does great on logic, and generally likes to be helpful. When you're 1:1 with her, she does amazing. She's the biggest delight when she's just with you and not her siblings. She likes dance and music/singing and still loves her stuffed frog. She loves art crafts, and does great with both writing and coloring. She plays, lots of pretend, with A. She's got basic math down, and she's reading a number of words without help. Her teachers say she's a model student, if quite quiet. She struggled making friends in school this year, although she really wanted to be friends with one other kid.

T doesn't like having to share attention with siblings. She'll throw tantrums and is completely resistant to any calming techniques. "That won't work, not anything will work!!" is something she typically yells when upset. The tantrums were down a great deal in frequency, but thanks to increased tension at home, there's been some ramping recently. She also has big reactions. If she's throwing a tantrum and I tell her I need to take her somewhere she can calm down, and would she like to walk or be carried, she'll tantrum more instead of responding. When I pick her up to carry her, she'll inevitably scream louder that, "you hurt me!!" The slightest tap, touch, or bump and she wails about being hurt if she's the least bit unhappy. She also complains on most outings that "my legs are too tired! I can't go any farther! I want to go home." It's not just complaining though, she'll fully collapse on the ground and refuse to move. Of course, if you mention something like, "we'll get icecream when we get to the car," her legs suddenly reinvigorate and she runs there. She constantly challenges me, but in a way that I feel mostly capable of stepping up to. 

A. A will also start K in September. He loves to learn about things. His jam is really exploring new situations where he can learn something. That especially true if it relates to any type of construction, making anything, building, engineering, or sloths. He still loves sloths. A constantly wants to be moving. Thanks to 18 months of therapy (psychologist and OT) and two years of IEP services at school, A's actually really good at naming his emotions, telling people what he needs, and even building relationships with others. He's grown tremendously in that space. He's also still the kid who will hug E if he hears her crying, and think about how to help her. 

But here's the hard part. After starting A on medication in March, and seeing a great improvement in his aggression, suddenly a light switch flipped and he's intensely violent. It was an overnight change. He was doing great, and then one Saturday morning he woke up and he can not be left alone with his sisters for even a second. They both have bad cuts and bruises from him. He almost broke my ribs yesterday by kicking me in the stomach when I was working with him to dry up water he'd spilled on the carpet. Many of the attacks are random. He'll be happily playing with his sisters, or even by himself, and then stop to hurt someone. I sat with him in the back row of our van for a long drive. Just watching his face as he was watching a movie on the drive was surreal. He's completely fine and happy one second, and then this wave of  rage sweeps across him, and he attacks whoever is closest/weakest. Once he feels the need to hurt someone, he will not stop until he's done so. I've had him repeatedly chase me around our kitchen island, as I backed away and tried to redirect him to his safe spot and his beloved stuffies. Touching him to restrain him makes it vastly worse. We've abandonded the break times we've done for years because there's no way for the adult to avoid injury.  Putting him in the safe spot in his room doesn't work either, because unless you lock the door, he'll keep popping out to throw hard or sharp objects at me. I've had to lock him in there twice, because he was so violent and would kick, claw, and bite when I tried to hold him. In those instances, he destroyed T's stuff. He's shut her arm in the door, stabbed both girls with a fork, and then with Magnatiles, and hit them over the head with a wooden toy box. Mr. Lines and I have rearranged our work schedules to make sure there are always two adults if all 3 kids are present. Even then, in the time it takes to help E wash her hands after the bathroom, he can sprint across the room and hurt T. 

This is so. fucking. hard. So hard. I can't keep the girls safe. Honestly, loosing our older girls was easier than this, because it happened and it was over. My body failed us once, and that was that. This is me being faced every single day with not being able to keep them safe. I can't help A, either. My awesome, sweet boy is trapped inside this rage. 

We're changing rooms this weekend, and putting A in E's room, and E in with T. We've already made one emergency medication change for A, with no impact, so we're discussing making another change today. Because of the huge snap in behavior, which does align to an illness, we're getting evaluated for PANDAS in early July. I don't even know how to survive that long. I am just barely holding it together now.