Back in the land of long-ago and far-away, when kids were not on the horizon and disposable income could go to things other than medical expenses, I grew to appreciate wine. I grew up 45 minutes away from Napa, my family and I would drive out there for special dinners. After I left the house and my parents divorced, my dad got really into wine. He and his business partners began an annual trip to Napa to thank their employees for the hard work done that year. Dad invited DH and I, and so for about five of the years we lived in California and the trip occurred, we went.
The trip was always amazing, and relaxing. I began to think of total relaxation as "a Napa state of mind." The down-side of the trip was that I was exposed to some really good wine. Thus, I began to appreciate really good wine. DH and I joined a wine club, and either we bought, or my dad bought for us, some very nice wines. We got a wine fridge, it filled to capacity. We got some wine racks, they filled to capacity. I did my duty to help empty them again! Then this whole 'getting pregnant' business started, and I stopped buying wine, but I also stopped drinking. No drinking while cycling, or while pregnant, or while preparing to cycle again. DH drank the less good wine, but I threatened him with grievous bodily harm if he drank the good stuff when I couldn't.
Having come to the end of our baby making road, this Thanksgiving weekend, I opened one of the bottles of good stuff. A 2008 Rombauer Fiddletown Zin. That's a little old for a zin, but it had aged beautifully. It was smooth. No tannins left. No hardness, no bitterness. Just jammy perfection.
I thought about myself and my own aging since I bought that wine. I've got a few less tannins, too. That is to say, that I'm less bitter about many things. I've drawn new personal boundaries around what the 'small stuff' is, and I don't sweat it any more. Quite frankly, in comparison to losing my girls, a lot of life falls into the 'small stuff' bucket. I am also more thoughtful about my actions and how they'll impact others. Part of that is because of raising children, and part of that is because of all the times after my losses that I thought, "I'll be a better, kinder person if I can just have kids." I don't think being kind brought me kids, but it's not a bad thing to strive for!
Unlike the wine, though, I've not been reduced to jammy sweetness. I've developed a new hardness. When it's important to me, I will push and push and push to get to an answer I'm happy with, if I don't like what I'm being told. I will stand up, in situations I would have sat down for in the past. I may not have aged quite as beautifully as the wine, but I have become something different, and something that I consider to be better than what I started with. Here's to aging well, and being able to find a Napa state of mind when needed!
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