White COVID Guilt

I've heard from several sources, off the record, that my workgroup is unlikely to return to in-person work this year. Given Minnesota winters and cold/flu season, I suspect that means we won't return until next spring.

I am feeling a great deal of cognitive dissonance over this, and over COVID in general. At this moment, my life is much better because of COVID. I get to be home to wake my kids up, and snuggle with them while they have their morning cup of milk. If I'm not in meetings, I get to say 'hi' to them at meals and snacks, when they come upstairs to eat. I get to go on walks with them daily. These are all things that I wouldn't be able to do if I was commuting, trying to batch cook meals, and lay out work clothing each day. I haven't had to set an alarm since mid-March - although that's because I always wake up by 4:30 am. I'm not stressed or rushing to get to work, and then to get home from work before our nanny leaves. Fertility treatments are so much easier when I'm home for all shots and no one sees me leave the office for appointments. On a pure quality-of-life basis, my quality of life has gone up drastically.

And yet people are dying of this disease. Many, many people. Kind, good people who would have so much more to contribute and who can't because of COVID. It's terrible and I can't begin to say that I want it to be here. On a personal note, I'm worried about my job. Our income will be down at least 25% this year. So I struggle. I struggle to reconcile gratitude for all the benefits with the horror of the cost. How can you appreciate something that's killing people? How utterly selfish is that? But I sat this morning, Aaron cuddling into my lap and hugging me tight while he had his milk, in a way that never would have been possible if not for COVID. And how can I not feel at least a bit of gratitude for that opportunity?

Somehow this entire cognitive experience mirrors some of my feelings about the ongoing dialogues on race. I know how lucky I am to have grown up a white woman in a well educated, upper-middle class family. I know that there are systemic factors that made my life easier, that have led me to this point of happiness. While I'm certainly not grateful for those systemic factors, I'm cognizant of the fact that they exist and assisted me. I am grateful for the outcomes in my life, but I feel ashamed at the knowledge that those same systems that supported my outcomes facilitate entirely different outcomes for BIPOC. I question myself, as to what practical steps I can take to dismantle those systems. None of the answers that come to mind feel like enough. 

I'll keep searching. Keep looking for ways to leverage my experience to improve the lives of others. I'll probably keep being crap at it, but I'll also commit to ongoing learning, so hopefully I'll get to be less crap!