Dear Embryologist

 Dear Embryologist,

When you called me with my day 6 update on Saturday, you refused to share the grade of my blast with me. You told me I had to wait for my regroup, in 3 weeks after my CCS results are back. You refused even when I, truthfully, told you that I'd specifically asked Dr. B if I could get grades at the time of biopsy, since I'm banking, and she expressly agreed. 

I know that this is a job for you. Sharing grades with me would slow you down and you were already calling late on a weekend. (Although, to be fair, you were calling me with my egg sheet in front of you, and that egg sheet contained the lone embryo's grade, so simply reading the words "It's a day 6 3bb" wouldn't have taken very long.) You were certainly right in telling me that grade is not a perfect predictor of aneuploidy, although I was also right in mentioning that higher grades are correlated with higher aneuploidy.

I vaguely understand your hesitation. Please allow me to articulate why this was important to me.

Having a child is the single most life-changing activity out there. Sure, your career impacts your life, but you can always change careers. Your choice of spouse or partner can change your life, but you can also change spouses or partners. Having a kid though, fundamentally alters every moment of every day for decades, if not longer. 

Here I am, working on the single biggest event in my life, and because of infertility, I have almost zero control over it. How crazy is that? You control your career choice. You control your partner choice. But in my case, infertility, the most control I have is writing a very large check, taking my medications as instructed, and keeping my body as healthy as possible to maximize my chances. In other words, I have very little control. 

Information isn't control. But information is about as close to control as I can get. Information lets me plan my next steps. It lets me prepare for the most probable outcomes. Information is pretty much the only panacea for the pain that comes from the lack of control of something so fundamentally important.

In the course of a single breath, you have the opportunity to share information that can help. Information that can reduce the pain and anxiety. That ten second inconvenience for you will dramatically reduce days of anxiety for me.

I know that this is a job for you, but it's life changing for me. Please reconsider your response and your actions in the future, and think about how some empathy and kindness could make a world of difference to someone who is hurting.

Regards,

Me